Learning and understanding

 I was having a conversation about books the other day. We were discussing books that we enjoyed and it was a conversation we’ve had several times.  Now I know people who don’t read, and who have no books. That, to me, is horrifying.  How do you get through life like that?  Books and stories are so central to me, and I have bookcases that are stuffed to overflowing with material that I’ve read and reread many times... and yet, I know people who use books only as ornaments or, worse, who have no books at all!  I’m stunned speechless... My books are a comfort and a support to me.  There are those that I reread frequently, because they are light, entertaining and do not require a lot of my attention to complete.  There are others that I enjoy and reread from time to time, and the frequency of my rereads varies over time.  For instance, there were several books that I read extensively when I was younger, and they have remained with me (I can quote pas...

 I apologize in advance. This post is likely to be inflammatory, but I think that I need to write it. It is not intended to hurt anyone, but it is based on reality and the people involved will recognize themselves. I won’t identify anyone, I’m not pointing fingers, and this ultimately comes from love and concern. I’m happy to discuss the issues that I raise, but not the individuals.   St. Joseph Youth Group c. 1983  This is a photo of my church youth group.  We met originally during preparation for the sacrament of Confirmation in 1982/83. Classes were for 2 years on Saturday mornings, and our cohort became quite close. Our collective parents found themselves as hosts to a horde of teenagers regularly- almost never one or two! After we were confirmed, we went on to form a youth group, which remained quite active until we began to drift into adulthood and life continued.  The bonds are still there, although obviously not exactly the same. But this picture led to ...

Continuing on the subject of “Forgive us as we forgive” This line has been cause for much debate, at least in my religious experience.  It’s tossed around as indicating that God’s forgiveness is limited; or that God’s behaviour is controllable.  It’s used as an admonition against real human reactions.  And it’s difficult to really grasp.  In my view, it’s not a way of limiting God, it’s a way to stretch ourselves.  Like the injunction to love our neighbours as ourselves, our ability to forgive tells a lot about us.  How many times I’ve heard people say, “I’ll never forgive you for that!”  But doing that gives our tormentors to live on our peace of mind, while they go around unaware. It’s all covered beautifully in William Blake’s 1794 poem The Poison Tree.  Serendipity is real. I encountered that poem earlier this week, and later, my lay minister dropped by, as he tends to do.  The reading that day was from the Gospel of Luke, the Sermon on...

 Everyone who knows me knows how much I enjoy my food.  It is, as I often joke, the key to maintaining my girlish figure  (remarking that a circle is a figure). It’s no surprise, therefore, to learn that I list cooking as a hobby (and have, since my teen years) nor that my cooking classes are a pleasure even after a session of chemotherapy.  (It’s true... I did three classes during my last round of treatment, and told the medical team that their job was to ensure that I could make it and keep the food down.  They did, because they’re awesome and amazing 😉). So yes, cooking is a definite pleasure for me, and I’m quite happy to try new recipes and share them. However, I have to admit that I am not a fan of meal kits. You know what I mean; the kits that promise to make you a gourmet cook with recipe cards, portioned ingredients that are delivered to your home. I understand the appeal of home delivery, especially during this pandemic.  I also understand the fu...

The conversations that we have with others are a constant source of ideas and inspiration. They can challenge our thinking, reinforce ideas and open us to new possibilities. I’ve found that sometimes it’s really easy to fall into a rut, where we only talk to a few individuals, repeating the same information, and not getting any variety. It’s comforting, but ultimately deadly, because we stagnate and we all know that stagnation is death.   I noticed, over the years, that sometimes the same idea can appear in different places around the same time. “Serendipity,” you say,  In the last couple of weeks, people have been raising the idea of the things that we should be doing.  “I should  be doing yoga”; “I should be avoiding carbs”; “I should be blogging more frequently,” and so on. I’m guilty of it, and I’ve found myself feeling guilty because I haven’t done any of the things that I think that I should have done. That’s the problem though; we feel a lot of guilt, then we...

Today is my official retirement date. It’s 21 years to the day since I began working in the Canadian federal public service.  In that time, I attended the retirement parties for several colleagues and participated in the standard jokes about not working, and thought about what my retirement would be like. I had planned to retire at 60, with 30 years of service and an almost full pension, and then move into my post-retirement role, which would include perhaps some volunteer work, or some contracting or something that would occupy my mind and provide some good to my community. Instead, I’ve learnt the reality of statements like, “Man proposes, God disposes,” and “life is what happens when you’re busy making plans,” among others!  I look back at my career, my plans and dreams about it, and where I am now and I have to accept that things do not always go as expected.  I’m the first to admit that I didn’t always make the best choices, that I’ve not always learned from the expe...

It’s been 10 weeks of lockdown, where our movements have been curtailed to try to slow the spread of the novel coronavirus covid19.  I’ve gone through several stages, from frustration through depression to indifference.  Frankly, I cycle through them so that there are days (or hours) when I feel optimistic, to be followed by a crash and a sinking depression that sucks all of my joy. I’ve had recommendations to document this period, so that I and others can look back on it and remember what it was like living through this pivotal period.  Every time I started, though, the waves of sadness would just wash out my ability to write, or think or share.  I can say that the things that stand out most from the last 3 months are the following.  Bear in mind that I’ve edited them, just because I need this to be able to cope with life, so the worst of it is omitted. Days bleed into one another.  If not for my iPad, I wouldn’t know Monday from Friday.  Weekends...

So here we are in the middle of the COVID19 pandemic shutdown.  I’ve been at home now for 3 weeks, only leaving the apartment to do laundry in the basement and to get mail, and I leave the building to stand outside with the little dog.  So my interactions are by phone, email and WhatsApp.  I’m about ready to leave the house and run into the woods... or more accurately, to move into a mall and wander the stores that are empty of people but full of merchandise! Funny, isn’t it, how contrarian we are as people?  Under normal circumstances, staying at home isn’t a problem.  But being told that we MUST stay in just causes this urge to go out and do something different.  In the past few years, I’ve been protective of my health and avoided crowded places, kept away from anyone who was ill, and avoided strangers as disease-ridden germ spreadersv joa so the requirement for physical distance is not a hardship.  But this shutdown of all the places that I usuall...

There were 2 biblical verses that have been filling my thoughts lately: Love your neighbour as yourself . Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive  those who trespass against us. They are a reminder to me that we really only know God when we interact with other people.  There is no way to say, “I love God” when we also hate people.  Even those who are most different from us, or with whom we disagree.  Frankly, it’s not easy to love people.  They don’t act the way we would want, they do things that are hurtful, or they are inconsiderate.  Even in our families, it’s hard to love everyone.  In larger families, like my own, we are closer to some people than others, and the one we’re closest to changes over time.  I’ve also listened to friends talking about their family interactions, where there will be one person who is ostracized from the rest, and people go years without speaking to their parents or siblings.  (I don’t understand that, bu...

“The thing that I hate,” said this person, apropos of nothing, “is feeling pitied.  I think you’re so strong, and so brave.  I really hate it, though, when people start looking at me with pity.” OOOOK.  As mentioned, that came out of nowhere, and I decided that it would kill that conversation.  I’ve been thinking about it since, and it became important to understand both the statement and its intent.   Pity  means to feel sadness for someone else’s difficult situation.  The other meanings include disappointment ( it’s a pity that... ) and to do something for someone because you feel sorry for them. We all know people who go out seeking pity.  We call them victims , we sometimes think of them as weak, especially when they seem to keep falling into the same rut.  But pity is not a weak emotion, and it can lead to some strong actions.  Not, I must emphasize, in the form described by the  Austrian dramatist, Nestroy. A very rich man...

“Have you read ‘the Last Lecture’?  It’s so moving,” asked one of my friends recently.   I explained that yes, I had read it about 10 years ago when it was first presented, before the author died, and incidentally, long before cancer became a part of my life. “You should really read it!  It’s so full of wisdom for someone in your situation.”  In my situation?  You mean as a cancer patient?  Or do you mean terminal?  Or something else? I often feel overwhelmed.  There are cascades of information that just pour over me, most of it useless or irrelevant, but still flooding over me until I feel like I’m drowning.  I’m asked if I’ve tried some combination of herbs/powders/crystals/greens that is circulating on the internet.  If I’ve tried some miracle drug that was mentioned in an article.  If I’ve eaten/avoided meat/sugar/lemons/maple syrup/honey/cinnamon/pepper/kale... Why haven’t I switched to fully organic, vegan, coconut oil-fille...

Growing up I read quite a lot of comics (I read a lot of anything I could get my hands on, really) and there were a number of superheroes (and super villains) who got their powers through radiation.  When I first did radiation treatment 5 years ago, I joked that I should be able to get a superpower.  Now that I’m doing my fourth round of radiation, I thought I’d share the kinds of superpowers that I would like (in no particular order) in the hopes that I acquire one!  You may have to do some research to understand some of the references, but it’s all part of the fun 😁 One of the easier powers I’d like is to be a human Babel fish so that I can read, write, understand and speak any language.  Not just the current 6,000 languages that are active on Earth, but every language that has ever existed and any language that will ever exist anywhere in the universe.  Just imagine how many stories and ideas can be shared, in their original languages.  Imagine meetin...

I have a dear friend who, no matter what news they receive, is firmly convinced that the sky will fall in and the world is doomed.  Several of our conversations leave me feeling drained from trying to counteract their negativity.  In contrast, I have a friend once who was so optimistic about everything that I provided them with a set of pom-poms and made them official cheerleader.  Their energy, while uplifting, was also tiring because of the need to always be “on.” I mention them because they both play important roles in life.  My mood swings from one to the other and back, although I like to think that I largely exist in a happy equilibrium between these extremes.  There are days when I’m the cheerleader for my friends, and cheering up others, and days when I can’t see anything enjoyable in life.  On some of those days, I want to scream at the cheerleaders, “Back off!  I want to be miserable!”  (I don’t, though.  I may turn off my phone f...

In his Good Friday remarks, for many years, Fr. Leo would refer to the “dying side” of Easter.  It is not surprising that the focus of today’s service is death and dying, but it certainly is something to consider.  He always mentioned the sealed Tomb at the end of the Friday, and the sorrow, fear and hopelessness of the apostles after the crucifixion.  By Easter Sunday, of course, we are celebrating the resurrection and the renewal of life, but in between there is the tomb, and all it signifies — the end of this life, the absence of the one we love, a permanent separation, and an inevitable, universal end. I’ve been thinking a lot about death lately.  It’s not being morbid, at least, I don’t think that it is.  I am, though, wondering about death, and what happens to us after.  One view, to which I am not subscribed, is that death is final and is followed by nothingness.  It’s probably the easiest answer to deal with something we don’t know, but I fin...

Anyone have a nickname?  My younger brother gave everyone in the family nicknames when we were kids.  I hated mine, and protested, but brothers being brats (in Bosnian, anyway) he persisted and it stuck — so much so, that some of his friends have only ever heard me called by it and don’t know my actual name.  Nicknames are given to us to provide a sense of belonging; they’re an “in” message, shared only with members of a community.  Although I initially resented mine, it’s now a sign of affection.  Pet names are like that, and we use them with people we love.  There are very few people who do not have a pet name, even if it’s something as common as “dearest” or “honey.”  Names matter.  It’s how we are identified, and what makes us simultaneously an individual and a member of a family. We also use names as shortcuts to describe people.  We can pull out a label and apply it to someone and it assigns all sorts of characteristics.  I used ...

Have you ever noticed that if you’re struggling with a difficult situation you will receive messages from unrelated sources that address it?  For my religious friends, they refer to it as “God speaking to you.”  For the non-religious, it’s “the universe” or sometimes just dismissed.  It’s the feeling in your gut when you’re ill at ease in a situation; the ball of stress that emerges when you’re meeting a toxic person. I have found that I will receive guidance in unexpected ways.  The guidance is never as explicit as I would like; it’s never an email or letter saying, “this is your path.  Follow it.”  Instead, it’s in the form of a random snippet of conversation with a stranger; or the same subject being raised casually by unrelated people.  It may be in a sermon, or a passage flipped to by chance.  It most often comes through a person who makes me question myself and my certainty.  It might be the person who, in the middle of my self-pity, ...

It’s a week into Lent, and like every other Lent I’ve been asked the same question, “so what are you giving up?” with the same suggestions to give up sweets; chocolate; alcohol; meat... basically a diet masquerading as a religious observance.  Then there are the more spiritual suggestions, usually accompanied by a quote from the pope or another leader offering ideas like, “fast from gossip, selfishness,” etc.  I previously wrote a blog entry on fasting, so I won’t repeat what I said there (but you can reread it here) . I do, though, have some additional thoughts about Lent and what we should hope to achieve. Lent is a period of fast and abstinence for christians, lasting for 6 weeks before Easter.   In Lent, we particularly focus on Jesus time in the desert, including his temptations.  We go through this period to focus on our spiritual life and to draw closer to God.  The thing to keep in mind, though, is that the practices followed during this time should no...

In his office, one of my friends has a piece of artwork which is a stylized pair of birds which have their wings outstretched and their necks entwined. I saw them as being in a dance, he saw them as fighting.  It’s really a revelation on the day when you understand that the only person who perceives things the way you do is you.  There are others who may have similar perceptions, but there are always differences from your worldview.  Sometimes the differences are complementary, such as when one of you likes cheese and the other crackers, so you share the appetizer.  Sometimes they don’t matter, like when you like crossword puzzles and they prefer sudoku.  But sometimes they shatter relationships. Usually they relate to some strongly-held beliefs, or some long-standing practices.When these collide, it’s possible to create a deep rift between people.  I know, for example, that my Christian Catholic beliefs are at odds with several of my friends.  As te...

A friend of mine, who owns a small business, was very upset recently because she had received several bad online reviews from people who (by their own admission) had never used her services.  The reviews were written in support of a third party, who had asked people to “rate down” the business.  I watched, unable to do much to help, as she struggled to restore the good image of her business, and learned just how much power rests in the keyboards of users. Everyone has had bad service and bad experiences with businesses.  I will drag out my horror story of the restaurant that made errors in 4 out of 6 meals and failed to deliver a fifth, and then refused to do anything to correct the problem.  (If anyone wants the full details, I’ll happily share with you if you promise never to visit that location.) We’ve all encountered the surly salesperson who is rude and unhelpful; the waiter who messed up orders repeatedly and the restaurant that lost reservations.  As in...

Nostalgia is fun, isn’t it?  Looking back at the golden years gone by, when everything was rosy, life was good and things were rosy.  Things just aren’t what they used to be, are they?  Kids are just not like we  were; people are just so entitled, and nobody wants to work for anything.  Life was better then, not like now with the world being such a horrible place! We grew up hearing how good things used to be.  That there were jobs to be had for the asking, that our education was the door to a comfortable life.  I remember that in high school during the 1980s, we heard that if we studied hard and did well, we would be able to find good jobs that would take care of us for life. It wasn’t that simple.   Even then, that world was collapsing.  More people were educated than before, there was increasing competition for jobs, and automation was making inroads into jobs.  The manufacturing economy in the Caribbean was failing, faced with th...

I have too much time in waiting rooms where I am exposed to some advertising that causes me to wonder about the future of humanity. So apparently gluten is the source of all that will destroy the world.  For people who are affected by celiac and related issues, it is a problem, but for the rest of us, it’s not.  Just to sum up quickly, gluten is a complex of proteins found in wheat, barley and rye.  In a simplistic approach, if a food contains wheat, barley or rye, then there is a likelihood that it will also contain gluten.  Notable exceptions are alcohols (spirits), because protein molecules are not volatile and therefore are not captured in the distillation process.  Foods that do not have wheat, barley and rye are naturally gluten-free, like rice, vegetables, fruit and meat.  So when, this week, I saw an advertisement for “whole grain, gluten-free” popcorn, I had to ask — what on earth is that?  Technically, it’s accurate, since popcorn is a whol...