Learning and understanding

My mother once showed me one of her wedding presents; a set of smoke coloured glasses in about 6 sizes.  It lived in a cupboard, still wrapped in the original paper.  I asked her why she never used it, and she explained that shortly after she and my father were married, they had some friends over, and one glass was broken.  She decided that she would keep them all safe, and they were relegated to the cupboard.  After her death, when my siblings and I went through her stuff, they were there, unused and unenjoyed. In the last few months, I’ve started clearing out things that I haven’t used in more than a year, and there are, sadly, a lot of them.  I was able to part with some of my books by donating them to a Little Free Library , and comforting myself with the thought that they would be read and appreciated by others.  I’ve arranged an auction to dispose of some of my evening dresses, which I no longer wear, and which I couldn’t bear to put in the donation...

I was reading a book recently that talked about the “micro-losses” that we experience as we age.  It starts with giving up our infancy to become children and students — how often have we been told “You can’t do that any more, you’re a big girl now!” (Or, more accurately, how often have we said that to a child?). Then moving from school to university to work — we lose small things.  We gain others in exchange — because we are students, we go out and make friends, learn new things, compete, etc.  At work, we develop skills, we deepen friendships, we contribute to the development of our company and society.  We marry, we gain family... we have a period where we get more of what makes us human. We also develop the idea that independence is critical.  We want to remain independent, to be “not a burden”, to be self-reliant.  And this is a comforting lie that we tell ourselves.  When we’re born, we are dependent on others for everything, and often, at the o...

This is the second part of what happened in 2012 when I was first diagnosed. November 3, as I mentioned, was the meeting with the surgeon and then the anniversary lunch for the parents. The day is still surreal, as I got there determined to celebrate, but mentally stuck on “I need surgery. I may have cancer,” With the family, their instant response was to support. To divide tasks to make it easier for everyone. Sunday, there was nothing to do but wait for the world to restart, and therefore I had some limited time to think. I used it to plan what needed to be done and to reach out to friends. The early part of the week was spent in doing tests, arranging for blood donors, talking to the office and the insurance company.  As the 9th approached, there were tests to be done, scans to arrange, leave to be entered. I’m eternally grateful for my friends at the office, especially Sylvie, who made sure that I was looked after and that I just had to sign documents. They took care of t...

This time of year is very difficult for me.  It was this week in 2012 that my life changed irrevocably.  Every year since then, I find myself reliving this week almost hourly.  I think about the circumstances that led up to this week, and the subsequent activities.  Some of them are easier to handle than others. Back in 2012, I had a minor operation in May which should have meant 2 - 3 days off work.  Instead, I was off for over a week, and then had a persistent infection that had me on antibiotics for most of the summer.  I was tired frequently, and my energy was low.  Checks with my GP suggested that I would need additional tests, but I was diagnosed with malabsorption and put on a special diet to improve my iron, vitamin and other levels. In September, I had planned to visit my friends in Europe, but that was canceled because of a change in their circumstances.  So I thought that I would surprise my parents with a visit home for their 45th ...

I was clearing some closets recently and discovered that I have a veritable graveyard of old technology.  Starting with a Palm V (anyone remember those?) through a mini-laptop and external drives.  I also found a box of old drive cables, including a serial bus cable. I remember when each of these was new, and how excited I was to get them.  The Palm V was supposed to replace my paper diary (it didn’t, not completely) and keep me more organized.  I did use it for the scheduling functions, but it often ran out of power. I think I spent more time playing solitaire on it than tracking my activities. Then I had my MP3 player.  I opted against the iPod, because I had a Zen that provided everything the iPod did for much less.  I used it almost daily for over a year — I even upgraded it — and then it fell into disuse when I changed offices and lost access to the radio feature.  My mini-laptop was my choice over a tablet; it was smaller and lighter than a t...

The first time is special, isn’t it?  To be the one to, pardon the pun, enter virgin territory. The person who is first is special, unlike others, is remembered for this accomplishment. Then there’s a wash of other, lesser mortals who are forgotten and the special nature becomes ordinary. We’re still marking “firsts” even now. Some of them are breakthroughs in science and medicine - first targeted DNA treatments for cancer; first driverless cars; robotic surgery... marvellous innovation!  Some firsts are, well, sadly coming late. It’s 2017, and still we’re looking at first black, first Asian, first woman to be recognized.  We should have had all of those behind us years ago. It adds to the sadness when we actually enter debates about who is the best first. Earlier this year, Canada wanted to introduce a woman, other than the Queen, on the currency.  Debates about the selection raged, with critics saying that while Viola Desmond was worth honouring there were othe...

Channeling some Bob Marley today. I couldn’t avoid this one. I’ve been trying, but it got too big.  So much anger is being displayed against inclusion, and my brain is not coping well. In my opinion, equity is essential to society. There is no argument for denying access to people that makes sense.  We’ve used all kinds of excuses:  women are too emotional to be in business; nursing is not for a man; black people don’t have the capacity to be academic; Chinese are good for mining work, and so on.  As time passed, we’ve gradually realized that these are all very stupid, weak and disgusting excuses for protecting the privilege of a few. Sadly, humans are human, and we can justify anything using any argument.  We have used texts that speak of love to excuse horrible behaviour, and then used more of the texts to condone more atrocities.  We have a web of illusion that allows us to pretend that “others” do all the wrong and we are blameless, but if we’re h...

I was thinking about the core myths we use daily.  In my case, they include the belief that I am the master of my fate: that I can control the outcome of my life choices.  To a degree, that’s true.  If I decide to eat a salad, there are consequences to that choice.  In my case, it would mean a day or so of “digestive distress”, a polite way of saying that I’ll be unfit for human company! This served me well in many circumstances growing up. My determination (what some people called stubbornness) helped me through many difficulties and enabled me to achieve my goals. It has been such a central part of my psyche for so long that teenage me received a poster that commemorates it! Over the years, this pushed me out of my comfort zone to take on different roles, up to working on my communication style and changing some behaviours. Now, my willpower is not enough to get me through this.  I rely on it for a lot of strength, and it helps me to set goals, to plan and...

As everyone knows, I'm an avid and voracious reader.  I was rereading some of my old favourites -- this time Asimov and Clarke -- and I was struck by how much things have changed. Science fiction has gone through many iterations from the early days (Jules Verne and H.G. Wells spring to mind).  It's always been a place to explore humanity separated from "reality" (No, I won't go into a discussion of Star Trek here!  I'll save that for another time  🙂). Issues like racism, morality and politics are all addressed using aliens, unusual situations (end of the world, leaps through space...) But the thing that stuck out most in my latest reading was the role of women and societal mores. Asimov, Clarke, Heinlein and Silverberg wrote during the "golden age" of science fiction, at a time when there were few, if any, women leads.  In fact, most of the books featured no female characters.  If they did, they were either vapid housewives who were an inconven...

This week, I officially ended working.  It was a day that I knew would come, but I had planned it for "someday when I'm older." I had mixed feelings about going in to empty my office.  One part of me was hurt that my coworkers hadn't sent a card to wish me well, and I didn't want to meet any of them because I didn't want my hurt to show.  Another part of me cringed from the finality of emptying my office -- of giving in and admitting that things have changed.  The third part wanted to be back with people that I've worked with for over 10 years, and who are an extra support system.  Then, of course, was the part of me that wondered "what am I going to do with all the stuff in my office?" So last Thursday -- August 31, the end of the month, and (symbolically) Independence Day -- I headed in, carrying my laptop, phone and pass for the last time.  The comforting familiarity of being there, going up the escalator, walking past the line at Tim Hort...

I was listening to some Beatles music recently, and one of the songs was Eleanor Rigsby .  I always found that song exceptionally sad, and this time wasn't any different.  It got me thinking about all of the "invisible" people we encounter daily, and how many there are. I realized, in my visits to the hospital, that I encounter at least 15 people on any visit, but I wouldn't remember their names.  There's the receptionist -- who changes each time; the nurses; the orderlies; the technicians... Add to those the volunteers, the security officers, etc, and it's easy to see how they add up.  I started thinking about how many people I encounter daily, and then I wonder how many of them remember me? We all like to think that we're remarkable, special and that we leave a strong positive impression. To our families and loved ones, we are.  But outside of that charmed circle, we're another face in the crowd, or a shadow that passes.  We're invisible to o...

This is post 💯!  Woo! For reaching this lovely, round milestone, I've been reflecting on the changes in me over the past 7 years. The early posts on this blog contain the comments that I had found hard to believe.  They are all true, no matter how outrageous they seem.  I had collected them to highlight the absurdity of many everyday activities.  There are lots more, but the world has become much less civilized and the need for those has decreased. Then I tried online journaling as my blog.  Let's just say that I am not Samuel Pepys.  The discipline needed escaped me. Plus, I thought people would be bored reading about my meals 😀  The current incarnation is a series of thoughts about various topics.  These change depending on my mood or what enters my mind at random times.  And here's what I was thinking today. A few weeks ago, I attended a project management seminar. I used to do these regularly, but have slipped off lately.  ...

I am angry.  It's a deep, simmering anger, that I've been refusing to acknowledge for months.  In fact, it's been brewing since the day 6 months ago when my doctor said, "Your cancer is incurable.  We can still treat it, but the goal is now to make sure that you're comfortable and manage your symptoms." I thought that I was managing it.  I found things to do, focussed on work, dealt with issues, learned new things... went through radiation treatment, travelled, visited people.  But it keeps popping up.  At 2am when I woke up and the dark hovers over me, my imaginings include accidents, yelling at random strangers... when I went out, I hoped for opportunities to pick fights.  I thought I was managing it.  I listened to people being awkward with their comments.  "You look fabulous, you must be feeling fine!"  No, actually, I'm not.  "Oh, I'll see you back in the office in 2 weeks!"  I don't think so.  "Have you tried...

Some years ago, the wife of a friend of mine met my group of friends and said, "How did you meet so many strong women?  I've never seen so many in one place!"  It surprised me, because I'd never met any woman who wasn't, by definition, strong.  The women that I knew, and all the ones in my life, had all been good examples to me.  This started with my own family.  My grandmother raised 3 daughters after being widowed at 38 in a time when women weren't encouraged to work outside of the home.  My great-grandmother helped foster many children apart from her own 9.  My paternal grandmother raised 11 children.  My aunt raised a large family working a low-wage job.  Another aunt went to work as a typist to help support the family.  My mother was one of the first non-white employees in an organization where she stayed for almost 40 years.  The list goes on. When I moved to Canada, the other women that I met were equally strong.  Some...

Winston Churchill, among others, noted that freedom of speech for some people means saying what they  think, but taking offence at others.  In the 70 years since his time, we've had many disputes over what constitutes free speech.  Most recently, we've had debates on "being politically correct" and a huge backlash against "progressivism" and "liberalism." I'm not entering into a discussion on the value of euphemisms or political correctness.  Any initiative taken to an extreme is of no value to anyone.  And we can agree that there are people who don't understand moderation, or who think that their view is the only one that matters.  So I'll leave that there. But on the subject of free speech -- I'm inclined to think that we've become lazy debaters, and rude conversationalists.  Too many times I've heard or seen potential discussions deteriorate into name calling and demands to boycott people, businesses and ideas.  We se...

I was at a project management seminar recently, and the talk turned (as always) to projects that don't work as planned.  I asked, "How many people admit to having managed a failed project?"  Unsurprisingly, every one began to argue the definition to put the most positive spin on the result, and to deny failure. Our society doesn't value setbacks, which is what happens when we fail.  We talk  about it -- who hasn't heard about Edison's 10,000 ways not to invent the lightbulb? -- but we don't want to admit to failing.  We also don't want to be associated with anything that doesn't work; one study that I saw that showed that almost 2/3 projects in IT did not succeed, but of all the many thousands of managers none will admit to having led any of them. Add to that the discussion on what constitutes success.  According to some people, success means having a big house, a luxury car, and a beautiful spouse.  For others, it's having stable income an...

Has anyone paid attention to how often we hate something about our bodies?  It really doesn't matter what we really look like, everyone hates her belly, arms, neck, breasts... the list is as long as the number of body parts we have! Then there are the people who spend many thousands to nip, tuck, implant or remove things.  There is (as we all know) a booming industry fed off of vanity. I'm as guilty as anyone.  Having lost about 100lbs during my assorted treatments and illnesses, people now say "Oh, you're tiny!" I look in the mirror and I see the scar that bisects my abdomen, the skin that's loose, the sags and other failings.  I look at my pictures, and I see all of the flaws on my skin -- moles, discolouration, and faint lines.  I don't see myself as "tiny", but I see flaws and I think "Oh, I need to lose some weight!" We need to be kinder to ourselves.  If my friends see me as "tiny" and pretty, why don't I?  Ins...

As I do from time to time, I'm re-reading some childhood favourites.  Some of them hold up very well (Chronicles of Narnia, Laura Ingalls Wilder, Anne of Green Gables) while others... not so much. I always enjoyed Enid Blyton.  I objected to the characterization of her books as racist and sexist, and inappropriate for children.  They may be racist and sexist in some ways, but the elements that make them good are the stories and the believable interactions between the characters, and those are entirely appropriate for children.  Who hasn't wanted to be able to solve mysteries like the Famous Five?  I know that I went in search of secret passages when I visited old houses :)  I also enjoy reading the Chalet School series, which presents a very idyllic school environment, with locations in Austria, Switzerland and the west of England.  It definitely encouraged me to learn French and German, and started a love affair with languages. Rereading these boo...

In re-reading The Chronicles of Narnia  this year, I noticed the phrase "take the adventure that's sent to us," several times.  It was usually at a point when a decision needed to be made, whether to go on and fight, or turn back and give up.  No surprise at the decision made! This past year was one that took adventure in stride.  I started off with my usual trip home, but this time my dear friend Jovanka came with me for a week.  It was great fun to see my home through someone else's eyes, and to recognize the beauty that is Trinidad and Tobago.  We did manage to not see any of Carnival, and it's amazing how that has not affected life  😉  This was my first visit where my mother wasn't there.  Still surreal. In April I went to Cuba to celebrate a friend's 50th birthday.  In passing, I am astounded that my friends are approaching or passing their half-century... time flies, doesn't it?  Cuba was gorgeous, with great food and peo...

I've been noticing that we're awash in words that mean very little. We talk about "inclusion" while meaning "how do we choose the people we want to be with us?" We say, "natural, organic" when we mean "morally superior." We say, "amazing" when we mean "everyday." We say, "heart-warming" when we mean "maudlin." Then we say that people don't communicate.

I'm currently in Podgorica, Montenegro, having flown halfway around the world to support my friend's son in a game I don't understand 😊. It's new territory for me, as everyone knows that I am not an athlete.  But when the chance arose, I bought my ticket, got on a plane and here I am! Montenegro is not a place that I ever expected to visit.  In fact, until last month, I barely knew it existed, and if asked, I thought it was Macedonia.  When I did hear about it, it was usually in a joke about slow service, lazy people, and a dormant culture. In 2 days, I've busted the myth of slow service - all of our experience with waiters is that they're prompt, attentive and willing to explain things when they realize that my Serbian is all but non-existent. In talking to dozens of people (trying to get directions) only one was surly; the rest were helpful and chatty.  And I now know more of the language and can make (very basic) sense of signs. Today I attended ...

Albert Einstein, apart from his work in defining the theory of relativity, is also a source of some wonderful quotations.  The title of this post is one of them:  Everything must be made as simple as possible.  But not simpler. And the topic of this post may be summed up as: Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity.  And I'm not sure about the universe. I've written before about our needlessly complicated relationship with food, and the barrage of advertisements that assault us daily.  I've tried to ignore both and focus on other issues, but I can't do it much longer. Everyone has seen the articles about "healthy eating" and been inundated with recipes that promise to give us "guilt-free" indulgences and which tout the magical properties of "superfoods."  So here's the short, super simple guide to food: If you enjoy it, eat it. None of us are getting out alive, so to pretend that eating certain things will w...

It's Ash Wednesday today, and I spent part of the morning in church beginning my Lenten period.  While there, I began to really appreciate the benefits of a pluralistic society which also supports freedom of expression. The fact that I was in a church, freely worshipping, and would leave with ashes marking my forehead to go to malls, to the office, to banks with nobody batting an eye is something we take for granted.  There are people who do not have this unconscious luxury. I have friends who tell of growing up under communist rule who had to hide their religious beliefs. Of not ever breathing a word about prayers that were said at home, for fear of reprisals.  Of the day when they were first allowed to freely worship in public, and how much it touched them. And there are others who ridicule anyone whose beliefs or practices differ from their own.  Who want to destroy the different. Rarely are they overt about it, though, thankfully.  They refuse to accept that...

I'm watching Carnival unfold in its sequinned and glittering splendour. Each costume is expensive, both in terms of time and money.  Each costume represents thousands of dollars and hours for completion. It's worn for two days and then discarded. During those days, though, they are the centre of attention, and they are admired by everyone who sees them. Looking on, thoughts come to mind of how many things are like those costumes; things on which we expend time and money for a brief experience that doesn't last.  The  experience of spending time on our pleasures enriches our lives.  We relax, we expand our way of thinking and we learn new skills.  Sometimes what we learn is temporary- like how to make that special occasion dish that's very finicky but delicious; sometimes it's more long term, like developing knife skills (guess who's been cooking a lot lately?) 😃. Have you got other examples? But the main idea that I've been toying with is that we can spend ...

I know, January is half over and I’m only now getting to my resolutions.  In my (weak) defense, I was late celebrating Christmas, and it’s not yet the lunar new year, and it’s still January, so… Like everyone else, I make and break resolutions on a regular basis.  I haven’t given up on them yet, and maybe one day I’ll decide that there are some worth doing properly.  In the meantime, I’ve looked at the things that matter, and the things that make me happy, and here are my resolutions for 2016 and onwards. Spend time with my family and friends.  Buy and eat the good chocolate. Drink the good tea / wine / other stuff. Take the trip. Spend less time with negative people.  I don’t need to do too much explaining of any of these, I think.  What if I don’t do all of them all the time?  No problem – I do the best that I can, and then start over as needed.  But my priorities are really centred around relationships and the people...

OK, I confess, I’ve been watching “It’s a Wonderful Life” again.  It’s one of my Christmas traditions, and I admit that I still get teary eyed at the end.  (I also cheer when the postmen deliver the bags of mail to the courthouse, when the Grinch’s heart grows and when Scrooge dances on Christmas morning.)  I do love Christmas traditions, and especially when they’re shared. I know that there are people who consider this time to be “too commercial” and “fake” and “mushy”; I’m not one of them.  I do, though, resent when Christmas trees start showing up in July, and when seasonal songs are being played in mid-September.  I find that the rhythm of the traditions is as important as the celebration itself.  I still maintain that there are certain foods that one only has at Christmas, that there are things that speak of the season directly.  But I also maintain that it’s possible to keep Christmas the whole year through. When we honour trad...

This is the third week of Advent in the Christian calendar.  (I know, I know, these have taken on a more Christian tone lately. Despair not, for I will not force a conversion on you.)  Anyway, the third Sunday of Advent is referred to as "Gaudete" or "Joyful."  I think that we need to spend a little time thinking about joy. I was asked recently "How do you find happiness?" and I thought that was at once a dreadfully sad concept and a wonderfully profound question. the first thing to remember is that happiness is a choice.  We decide, every day, every moment, whether we will be happy, or angry or disenchanted.  I've seen countless books, films, articles and other pieces of advice that talk about how differently we treat things as adults from when we were children -- and in a way we do.  Because as a child, our ideas, responsibilities and choices were childish.  As we grow, we must put aside childish things and pick up those of adults.  T...

This year, starting on December 8, 2015, Pope Francis has proclaimed to be an Extraordinary Jubilee Year of Mercy.  Feel free to look up the details on Jubilee Years (every 25) and Extraordinary Jubilee Years (called by the Pope from time to time); I want to talk a bit about mercy. Mercy is one of those virtues that tends to be overlooked.  It’s often seen as being more “weak” than many of its parallels.  Often, when we speak of mercy, it’s in the context of a lenient judgement.  (Followed by a curse for the defense attorney.)  But the requirement for mercy is specific; the Catholic tradition has 14 distinct acts that are identified as “merciful” – 7 corporal (or physical) and 7 spiritual.  Many religions also make reference to acts of mercy (fairly specifically: caring for the sick, feeding the hungry, almsgiving, burying the dead, visiting prisoners, clothing the naked and sheltering the homeless.)  Instructing, advising, consolin...

It’s the first week of Advent, the beginning of a new Church year.  It’s the lead in to one of the biggest holiday shopping sprees of the year. This year, I thought I would explore Advent a bit more closely.  In the Catholic church, the four Sundays before Christmas are the Sundays of Advent.  Each week, we progress closer to the birth of Jesus and we focus on a different part of the start of Jesus’ story.  The first week begins with a reminder to be ever vigilant against sin, and to wait faithfully for the return of the lord.  Waiting is not something we enjoy doing.  We acquire more and more items to reduce the time that we need to wait – microwave frozen breakfast sandwiches, anyone?  I’ve seen an ad for a “breakfast sandwich machine” that promises to make perfect sandwiches in just 5 minutes.  (I’ve timed myself, and it takes me 3 minutes to cook the same sandwich using “normal” kitchen implements.)  We are persuaded that by having more...

I have a dog.  Well, to be more accurate, a dog has me. We named him Stewie because he seemed to have plots being hatched behind his deep brown eyes and fringe.  He was 4 years old, had come from a family who lived in the country, and was nervous of men, especially those with bags or umbrellas.  Don was the only man he allowed near him.  It took about 2 weeks for him to fully train Don to get up, go for walks, and provide snacks on demand.  When Don took a nap, Stewie took a nap, lying in the same position.  When hockey was on, Stewie sat and watched intently. He learned our routines, and promptly took over.  He would wake me every morning at 6, and paw on the bed until I got up.  He would remind Don of the time to come pick me up from work – and the time to take him for walks. Once we welcomed him into our home, there were certain things that we gave up – the ability to sleep in on weekends; the ability to use the bathroom without a small furry...

Two months ago, the base of my world cracked.  For my whole family, things changed drastically. Two months later, I still have to remind myself that my mother isn’t coming home.  That she won’t be sitting in her usual spot at the table.  That we won’t be doing any of the things that I routinely plan for us to do when she visits.  And a lot of other things that say that nothing will be the same again. I can still hear her voice on the outgoing answering machine message, and I want her to pick up the phone so I can tell her about this horrible nightmare that I’ve been having where she died.  But she doesn’t, and every day the unreality is there.  I miss calling her to tell her about the bargains that I found at the supermarket.  Or about the things that were happening at work.  Or asking for her advice on managing my finances.  Or telling her about a new restaurant, or recipe, or suggesting a TV show to watch.  (I’d call to say “Columbo ...

It’s time for the semi-annual fashion update, Canadian summer edition. It’s warm, it’s sunny, we can finally go outside without the heavy down parkas and other winter wear.  It’s picnic weather and time to be in the park with the dog.  So why am I buzz-killing about fashion? Well, unless you’ve managed a job where you aren’t in an office from April to November, and are instead lounging somewhere near water for 6 months, you still have to be appropriately and professionally dressed.  So here goes: We’ve already established the warm weather means no heavy winter clothes.  Please don’t go to the other extreme and wear your beach clothes to the office!  This is for both men and women (and all variations thereof.) Ladies: No part of your torso below your collarbones should be on display in the office. What that means is: No deep cleavage. No midriff-baring tops. No strapless tops. No spaghetti straps. Your skirt should be no shorter than the tips of your f...

The national motto of Trinidad and Tobago is “Together we aspire, together we achieve.”  (And in my primary school days, we would finish with a chant of “that’s why God made bread and cheese!” just to prove that we knew how to rhyme!)    Disclosure :  I’ve been trying to write this for about a month, now, but each time it emerged from me in a way that did not make me happy, so it sat.  I hope that this version says what is needed. I’m reminded of this because of a slew of really hateful messages that have been filling my email and social media feeds lately.  I’m not going to replicate any of them; I think that oblivion is what they deserve.  But it did make me wonder – why have we become so hate-filled and hateful?  What is the source of all the fear and rage? I was at a session recently where we discussed diversity, and someone said something that made lights go on and bells ring (not the alarm system!)  What she said was: “The diversity p...

“Why do you seek the living among the dead?” How many times have we done that?  Gone in search of something to try to regain what we had?  Gone back to something or someone in the hope of finding that what we had isn’t lost, only to realise that it’s empty.  Some people never leave the tomb and spend much of their lives in mourning, keeping their minds fixed on the past.  It requires a leap in faith to turn away from the empty tomb and see what awaits us. The Easter story brings us that message very strongly.  Jesus’ friends went to the tomb to seek him out, and found the tomb to be empty.  They went away, weeping and afraid.  The gospels say “they did not yet understand” what had happened.  Huddled together in fear and sorrow, they mourned their loss.  Don’t we do the same?  When we have broken with the past, we need some time to mourn the loss. There is a time when we relive what we had, go back to what was, all to make sense of this...