Learning and understanding

Some years ago, the wife of a friend of mine met my group of friends and said, "How did you meet so many strong women?  I've never seen so many in one place!"  It surprised me, because I'd never met any woman who wasn't, by definition, strong.  The women that I knew, and all the ones in my life, had all been good examples to me.  This started with my own family.  My grandmother raised 3 daughters after being widowed at 38 in a time when women weren't encouraged to work outside of the home.  My great-grandmother helped foster many children apart from her own 9.  My paternal grandmother raised 11 children.  My aunt raised a large family working a low-wage job.  Another aunt went to work as a typist to help support the family.  My mother was one of the first non-white employees in an organization where she stayed for almost 40 years.  The list goes on. When I moved to Canada, the other women that I met were equally strong.  Some...

Winston Churchill, among others, noted that freedom of speech for some people means saying what they  think, but taking offence at others.  In the 70 years since his time, we've had many disputes over what constitutes free speech.  Most recently, we've had debates on "being politically correct" and a huge backlash against "progressivism" and "liberalism." I'm not entering into a discussion on the value of euphemisms or political correctness.  Any initiative taken to an extreme is of no value to anyone.  And we can agree that there are people who don't understand moderation, or who think that their view is the only one that matters.  So I'll leave that there. But on the subject of free speech -- I'm inclined to think that we've become lazy debaters, and rude conversationalists.  Too many times I've heard or seen potential discussions deteriorate into name calling and demands to boycott people, businesses and ideas.  We se...

I was at a project management seminar recently, and the talk turned (as always) to projects that don't work as planned.  I asked, "How many people admit to having managed a failed project?"  Unsurprisingly, every one began to argue the definition to put the most positive spin on the result, and to deny failure. Our society doesn't value setbacks, which is what happens when we fail.  We talk  about it -- who hasn't heard about Edison's 10,000 ways not to invent the lightbulb? -- but we don't want to admit to failing.  We also don't want to be associated with anything that doesn't work; one study that I saw that showed that almost 2/3 projects in IT did not succeed, but of all the many thousands of managers none will admit to having led any of them. Add to that the discussion on what constitutes success.  According to some people, success means having a big house, a luxury car, and a beautiful spouse.  For others, it's having stable income an...

Has anyone paid attention to how often we hate something about our bodies?  It really doesn't matter what we really look like, everyone hates her belly, arms, neck, breasts... the list is as long as the number of body parts we have! Then there are the people who spend many thousands to nip, tuck, implant or remove things.  There is (as we all know) a booming industry fed off of vanity. I'm as guilty as anyone.  Having lost about 100lbs during my assorted treatments and illnesses, people now say "Oh, you're tiny!" I look in the mirror and I see the scar that bisects my abdomen, the skin that's loose, the sags and other failings.  I look at my pictures, and I see all of the flaws on my skin -- moles, discolouration, and faint lines.  I don't see myself as "tiny", but I see flaws and I think "Oh, I need to lose some weight!" We need to be kinder to ourselves.  If my friends see me as "tiny" and pretty, why don't I?  Ins...

As I do from time to time, I'm re-reading some childhood favourites.  Some of them hold up very well (Chronicles of Narnia, Laura Ingalls Wilder, Anne of Green Gables) while others... not so much. I always enjoyed Enid Blyton.  I objected to the characterization of her books as racist and sexist, and inappropriate for children.  They may be racist and sexist in some ways, but the elements that make them good are the stories and the believable interactions between the characters, and those are entirely appropriate for children.  Who hasn't wanted to be able to solve mysteries like the Famous Five?  I know that I went in search of secret passages when I visited old houses :)  I also enjoy reading the Chalet School series, which presents a very idyllic school environment, with locations in Austria, Switzerland and the west of England.  It definitely encouraged me to learn French and German, and started a love affair with languages. Rereading these boo...

In re-reading The Chronicles of Narnia  this year, I noticed the phrase "take the adventure that's sent to us," several times.  It was usually at a point when a decision needed to be made, whether to go on and fight, or turn back and give up.  No surprise at the decision made! This past year was one that took adventure in stride.  I started off with my usual trip home, but this time my dear friend Jovanka came with me for a week.  It was great fun to see my home through someone else's eyes, and to recognize the beauty that is Trinidad and Tobago.  We did manage to not see any of Carnival, and it's amazing how that has not affected life  😉  This was my first visit where my mother wasn't there.  Still surreal. In April I went to Cuba to celebrate a friend's 50th birthday.  In passing, I am astounded that my friends are approaching or passing their half-century... time flies, doesn't it?  Cuba was gorgeous, with great food and peo...

I've been noticing that we're awash in words that mean very little. We talk about "inclusion" while meaning "how do we choose the people we want to be with us?" We say, "natural, organic" when we mean "morally superior." We say, "amazing" when we mean "everyday." We say, "heart-warming" when we mean "maudlin." Then we say that people don't communicate.

I'm currently in Podgorica, Montenegro, having flown halfway around the world to support my friend's son in a game I don't understand 😊. It's new territory for me, as everyone knows that I am not an athlete.  But when the chance arose, I bought my ticket, got on a plane and here I am! Montenegro is not a place that I ever expected to visit.  In fact, until last month, I barely knew it existed, and if asked, I thought it was Macedonia.  When I did hear about it, it was usually in a joke about slow service, lazy people, and a dormant culture. In 2 days, I've busted the myth of slow service - all of our experience with waiters is that they're prompt, attentive and willing to explain things when they realize that my Serbian is all but non-existent. In talking to dozens of people (trying to get directions) only one was surly; the rest were helpful and chatty.  And I now know more of the language and can make (very basic) sense of signs. Today I attended ...

Albert Einstein, apart from his work in defining the theory of relativity, is also a source of some wonderful quotations.  The title of this post is one of them:  Everything must be made as simple as possible.  But not simpler. And the topic of this post may be summed up as: Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity.  And I'm not sure about the universe. I've written before about our needlessly complicated relationship with food, and the barrage of advertisements that assault us daily.  I've tried to ignore both and focus on other issues, but I can't do it much longer. Everyone has seen the articles about "healthy eating" and been inundated with recipes that promise to give us "guilt-free" indulgences and which tout the magical properties of "superfoods."  So here's the short, super simple guide to food: If you enjoy it, eat it. None of us are getting out alive, so to pretend that eating certain things will w...

It's Ash Wednesday today, and I spent part of the morning in church beginning my Lenten period.  While there, I began to really appreciate the benefits of a pluralistic society which also supports freedom of expression. The fact that I was in a church, freely worshipping, and would leave with ashes marking my forehead to go to malls, to the office, to banks with nobody batting an eye is something we take for granted.  There are people who do not have this unconscious luxury. I have friends who tell of growing up under communist rule who had to hide their religious beliefs. Of not ever breathing a word about prayers that were said at home, for fear of reprisals.  Of the day when they were first allowed to freely worship in public, and how much it touched them. And there are others who ridicule anyone whose beliefs or practices differ from their own.  Who want to destroy the different. Rarely are they overt about it, though, thankfully.  They refuse to accept that...

I'm watching Carnival unfold in its sequinned and glittering splendour. Each costume is expensive, both in terms of time and money.  Each costume represents thousands of dollars and hours for completion. It's worn for two days and then discarded. During those days, though, they are the centre of attention, and they are admired by everyone who sees them. Looking on, thoughts come to mind of how many things are like those costumes; things on which we expend time and money for a brief experience that doesn't last.  The  experience of spending time on our pleasures enriches our lives.  We relax, we expand our way of thinking and we learn new skills.  Sometimes what we learn is temporary- like how to make that special occasion dish that's very finicky but delicious; sometimes it's more long term, like developing knife skills (guess who's been cooking a lot lately?) 😃. Have you got other examples? But the main idea that I've been toying with is that we can spend ...

I know, January is half over and I’m only now getting to my resolutions.  In my (weak) defense, I was late celebrating Christmas, and it’s not yet the lunar new year, and it’s still January, so… Like everyone else, I make and break resolutions on a regular basis.  I haven’t given up on them yet, and maybe one day I’ll decide that there are some worth doing properly.  In the meantime, I’ve looked at the things that matter, and the things that make me happy, and here are my resolutions for 2016 and onwards. Spend time with my family and friends.  Buy and eat the good chocolate. Drink the good tea / wine / other stuff. Take the trip. Spend less time with negative people.  I don’t need to do too much explaining of any of these, I think.  What if I don’t do all of them all the time?  No problem – I do the best that I can, and then start over as needed.  But my priorities are really centred around relationships and the people...

OK, I confess, I’ve been watching “It’s a Wonderful Life” again.  It’s one of my Christmas traditions, and I admit that I still get teary eyed at the end.  (I also cheer when the postmen deliver the bags of mail to the courthouse, when the Grinch’s heart grows and when Scrooge dances on Christmas morning.)  I do love Christmas traditions, and especially when they’re shared. I know that there are people who consider this time to be “too commercial” and “fake” and “mushy”; I’m not one of them.  I do, though, resent when Christmas trees start showing up in July, and when seasonal songs are being played in mid-September.  I find that the rhythm of the traditions is as important as the celebration itself.  I still maintain that there are certain foods that one only has at Christmas, that there are things that speak of the season directly.  But I also maintain that it’s possible to keep Christmas the whole year through. When we honour trad...

This is the third week of Advent in the Christian calendar.  (I know, I know, these have taken on a more Christian tone lately. Despair not, for I will not force a conversion on you.)  Anyway, the third Sunday of Advent is referred to as "Gaudete" or "Joyful."  I think that we need to spend a little time thinking about joy. I was asked recently "How do you find happiness?" and I thought that was at once a dreadfully sad concept and a wonderfully profound question. the first thing to remember is that happiness is a choice.  We decide, every day, every moment, whether we will be happy, or angry or disenchanted.  I've seen countless books, films, articles and other pieces of advice that talk about how differently we treat things as adults from when we were children -- and in a way we do.  Because as a child, our ideas, responsibilities and choices were childish.  As we grow, we must put aside childish things and pick up those of adults.  T...

This year, starting on December 8, 2015, Pope Francis has proclaimed to be an Extraordinary Jubilee Year of Mercy.  Feel free to look up the details on Jubilee Years (every 25) and Extraordinary Jubilee Years (called by the Pope from time to time); I want to talk a bit about mercy. Mercy is one of those virtues that tends to be overlooked.  It’s often seen as being more “weak” than many of its parallels.  Often, when we speak of mercy, it’s in the context of a lenient judgement.  (Followed by a curse for the defense attorney.)  But the requirement for mercy is specific; the Catholic tradition has 14 distinct acts that are identified as “merciful” – 7 corporal (or physical) and 7 spiritual.  Many religions also make reference to acts of mercy (fairly specifically: caring for the sick, feeding the hungry, almsgiving, burying the dead, visiting prisoners, clothing the naked and sheltering the homeless.)  Instructing, advising, consolin...

It’s the first week of Advent, the beginning of a new Church year.  It’s the lead in to one of the biggest holiday shopping sprees of the year. This year, I thought I would explore Advent a bit more closely.  In the Catholic church, the four Sundays before Christmas are the Sundays of Advent.  Each week, we progress closer to the birth of Jesus and we focus on a different part of the start of Jesus’ story.  The first week begins with a reminder to be ever vigilant against sin, and to wait faithfully for the return of the lord.  Waiting is not something we enjoy doing.  We acquire more and more items to reduce the time that we need to wait – microwave frozen breakfast sandwiches, anyone?  I’ve seen an ad for a “breakfast sandwich machine” that promises to make perfect sandwiches in just 5 minutes.  (I’ve timed myself, and it takes me 3 minutes to cook the same sandwich using “normal” kitchen implements.)  We are persuaded that by having more...

I have a dog.  Well, to be more accurate, a dog has me. We named him Stewie because he seemed to have plots being hatched behind his deep brown eyes and fringe.  He was 4 years old, had come from a family who lived in the country, and was nervous of men, especially those with bags or umbrellas.  Don was the only man he allowed near him.  It took about 2 weeks for him to fully train Don to get up, go for walks, and provide snacks on demand.  When Don took a nap, Stewie took a nap, lying in the same position.  When hockey was on, Stewie sat and watched intently. He learned our routines, and promptly took over.  He would wake me every morning at 6, and paw on the bed until I got up.  He would remind Don of the time to come pick me up from work – and the time to take him for walks. Once we welcomed him into our home, there were certain things that we gave up – the ability to sleep in on weekends; the ability to use the bathroom without a small furry...

Two months ago, the base of my world cracked.  For my whole family, things changed drastically. Two months later, I still have to remind myself that my mother isn’t coming home.  That she won’t be sitting in her usual spot at the table.  That we won’t be doing any of the things that I routinely plan for us to do when she visits.  And a lot of other things that say that nothing will be the same again. I can still hear her voice on the outgoing answering machine message, and I want her to pick up the phone so I can tell her about this horrible nightmare that I’ve been having where she died.  But she doesn’t, and every day the unreality is there.  I miss calling her to tell her about the bargains that I found at the supermarket.  Or about the things that were happening at work.  Or asking for her advice on managing my finances.  Or telling her about a new restaurant, or recipe, or suggesting a TV show to watch.  (I’d call to say “Columbo ...

It’s time for the semi-annual fashion update, Canadian summer edition. It’s warm, it’s sunny, we can finally go outside without the heavy down parkas and other winter wear.  It’s picnic weather and time to be in the park with the dog.  So why am I buzz-killing about fashion? Well, unless you’ve managed a job where you aren’t in an office from April to November, and are instead lounging somewhere near water for 6 months, you still have to be appropriately and professionally dressed.  So here goes: We’ve already established the warm weather means no heavy winter clothes.  Please don’t go to the other extreme and wear your beach clothes to the office!  This is for both men and women (and all variations thereof.) Ladies: No part of your torso below your collarbones should be on display in the office. What that means is: No deep cleavage. No midriff-baring tops. No strapless tops. No spaghetti straps. Your skirt should be no shorter than the tips of your f...

The national motto of Trinidad and Tobago is “Together we aspire, together we achieve.”  (And in my primary school days, we would finish with a chant of “that’s why God made bread and cheese!” just to prove that we knew how to rhyme!)    Disclosure :  I’ve been trying to write this for about a month, now, but each time it emerged from me in a way that did not make me happy, so it sat.  I hope that this version says what is needed. I’m reminded of this because of a slew of really hateful messages that have been filling my email and social media feeds lately.  I’m not going to replicate any of them; I think that oblivion is what they deserve.  But it did make me wonder – why have we become so hate-filled and hateful?  What is the source of all the fear and rage? I was at a session recently where we discussed diversity, and someone said something that made lights go on and bells ring (not the alarm system!)  What she said was: “The diversity p...

“Why do you seek the living among the dead?” How many times have we done that?  Gone in search of something to try to regain what we had?  Gone back to something or someone in the hope of finding that what we had isn’t lost, only to realise that it’s empty.  Some people never leave the tomb and spend much of their lives in mourning, keeping their minds fixed on the past.  It requires a leap in faith to turn away from the empty tomb and see what awaits us. The Easter story brings us that message very strongly.  Jesus’ friends went to the tomb to seek him out, and found the tomb to be empty.  They went away, weeping and afraid.  The gospels say “they did not yet understand” what had happened.  Huddled together in fear and sorrow, they mourned their loss.  Don’t we do the same?  When we have broken with the past, we need some time to mourn the loss. There is a time when we relive what we had, go back to what was, all to make sense of this...

  I saw a challenge recently to “go for a day without complaining.”  I looked at it and thought “Hah!  That’s not a challenge!  Who complains that much that a day seems like a challenge?”  Then I started making notes of complaints.  Well, howdy – there’s a whole litany of complaints throughout the day!  It’s actually, and sadly, easier to go a day without saying “Thanks” than it is to not complain! We start the day with a grumble about the weather… “Oh, it’s too cold.”  (which I will admit has been going on here for the past 7 months.)  “Oh, it’s raining.”  “It’s so hot!” Then there’s the “I don’t know what to wear” group… “Will you hurry up?  We’re going to be late!” “All the lights are red!  And this traffic!” “Who was supposed to do this?” “What is taking so long?” “Why can’t they get my order right?” “Oh that line is so slow!” “This day is dragging!” (or “I haven’t had time to even go to the washroom, I’m so bus...

    I have noticed that people don’t always seem to understand the difference between a problem and an inconvenience.  So many people go through their days recounting the many “problems” that they faced, seeking some validation of a struggle.  Most of the time they aren’t dealing with problems, but with inconveniences. Why, you ask, do I care?  Well, it’s because in the middle of the “problem facers” are people who are dealing with real problems, and they often don’t say too much about them.  They’re being strong and silent, supporting others around them.  Wouldn’t it be so much nicer if we could do less griping and more encouraging? So what’s the difference?  An inconvenience is a difficulty caused to your comfort or personal desires.  A problem is a situation that is harmful or dangerous and needs to be handled.  Most of the things we encounter daily are inconveniences.  Although, to listen to some people, they are life-alterin...

My late grandmother was a powerhouse of a woman.  She was short – under 5’ tall – and the first adult who was shorter than I was as a child.  (I think I was about 10 when I was taller than she was.)  She was often strict and had some very old-fashioned views (she was born in 1903, so that’s not surprising!)  She was widowed young, with 3 daughters and not much money, but she raised my mother and aunts to be independent in an era when things were very difficult for women of colour. In all things though, we adored her and she returned that with interest.  The anniversary of her death was a few days ago, and I’ve been thinking about the things that I learnt from her that still guide my life. Coconut oil is the best thing to use on your skin and hair.  Everyone needs to know how to cook.  Make your own meals most of the time – you know what you’re eating, it’s cheaper and it’s much better for you than the stuff you buy. But the best that you can afford...

We all have beliefs that we use to sustain ourselves.  We believe that we are competent, capable and caring.  We believe that we can accomplish things, and that we will ultimately succeed.  We believe that we’re not good enough, smart enough or rich enough to matter.  We believe that success is just out of reach because we’re too fat, too lazy or too busy to make a change. Whatever our beliefs are, we live them.  If we believe that the world is essentially a good place, filled with caring people, we will tend to find it so.  We will almost always find that one person who makes the goodness shine out.  If we believe that the world is dark and ugly, then we will find that too.  Doesn’t it make sense, then, to seek out the good in things, and to keep going back to that in difficult times? I know that the world frowns on people who espouse a belief in God.  But for every mocking article, every negative bit of news coverage, there is another wit...

We’ve all got mannerisms that mimic our parents.   Sometimes they’re comforting, sometimes irritating, and most often they’re overlooked until a particular situation brings them out.  I never noticed, for instance, how much my youngest sister sounded like our mother until one day when I happened to call home and she answered.  It took a few minutes to realise that it was she and not our mother.  Most often, people tell me that I’m exactly like my father. My niece comments that it takes her a few seconds to identify which aunt is on the phone because we sound alike.  (Since she started using Skype, that’s not a problem any longer!) When the family is together, the mannerisms aren’t noticeable. They’re part of the tapestry of the family.  It’s when I spend time with my siblings away from the whole that I notice how many times our parents are echoed.  With my younger sisters, they bring our mother to mind.  They imitate her comments, her way o...

Dear Ms. Demeanour, First time writer, long time reader.  I just want to say how fabulous I think you are! Last week, while I was waiting at the doctor’s office for a check-up, people kept giving me dirty, angry looks!  Two people glared at me before moving seats away from me.  An old woman (miserable type, you know the kind?) handed me a tissue and said “Wipe up, dearie!”  Interfering old bat.  And a small child said “Cover your mouth when you cough.”  Don’t they understand that I have a bad flu , and I need to breathe?  What should I have said or done in that case? Sick of it. Dear Sick, What a dreadful experience you had!  First, that you had to get out of your house in that condition; you poor thing!  Then to have all of those people point out your ailment to your face.  I am shocked. Perhaps next time, you could consider staying at home and avoiding contact with people?  You should have all the amenities there – bed, frid...

Continuing with Lent. There are two archaic expressions that are beautifully descriptive for the situations where you have apologised, or you have forgiven, and you want to show that your change is real.  We’ll look each of them as examples of the change. You have done something wrong, and you have apologised.  How do you show that were sincere about not doing it again?  I’m sure that you’ve heard of the expression “to wear sack cloth and ashes” (or variations thereof.)  This is an ancient ritual which involved the penitent person wearing a shirt made of stiff goat hair (with the hair worn against the skin) and smearing their face with ashes.  The point was to have the person undergo some suffering and public shaming for a defined period to show their remorse.  Some religious groups continue the practice, by wearing uncomfortable shirts to remind themselves of their failings.  (And I think that some women do this by wearing some very uncomfortable sh...

How many times must I forgive? If someone has hurt me, why should I forgive them?  And if they do it more than once?  Everyone – Christians and non – knows Matthew 18:22.  (“I say to you, not seven times, but seventy times seven.”)  We’ve heard stories of those superhuman people who forgive offenses against them.  Immaculée Ilibagiza, who survived the Rwandan genocide and forgave the people who killed her family.  Nelson Mandela, who was imprisoned for 30 years and forgave his captors and led South Africa into a more inclusive democracy.Corrie Ten Boom, a Holocaust survivor.  The list is surprisingly lengthy.  All of them have a common message:  “I forgave them, and I was free.”   It is not easy to forgive others, especially when the hurt is great.  We look at the offender and think, “I trusted you, and this is what you did to me?”  Many of us have also said, “I’ll never forgive you for this!” and probably meant it, too....

We’ve all seen them.  The lurking articles that are headed “You won’t believe…” or “This is the most astounding…” and so on.  Click-bait.  The teaser lines that are supposed to grab your attention so that you click to read the article or view the clip.  Then you see that the story links to something else that “You must see…” or that “Doctors hate…”, etc. This made me think a bit about human nature.    I’ve seen several that claimed, for instance, that they contained information that “the establishment” wanted to bury. There’s a flood of stories about celebrities in unflattering photos.  There are articles that promise instant weight loss, cures for every disease in existence, miraculous transformations, promises to make you immediately rich, and invitations to “catch the perfect partner.”  We know that they are time thieves at best, and at worst, they may be viruses or other spyware.  They promise new, life-changing information.  O...

I was visiting my family in Trinidad & Tobago recently, and almost pulled my hair out over the antics on the road.  Here’s what I observed: Never turn on your indicator. Letting other people know your intentions just ruins your advantage. Stop signs, speed limits and red lights are for wimps. Nobody and nothing tells you what to do! Never yield right of way. Even if you're in the wrong. If you have a choice between allowing someone to pass or causing a 15-mile backup, see previous rule. If you have to pick up or drop off a passenger, or you see a friend going the other way, stop in the middle of the lane. No pulling to the side, or someone might get ahead of you. Even if you're 3' tall, buy the largest SUV you can find. Then drive down the middle of the street.  You’re stylin’! Using mirrors is only for checking hair, makeup and the effect of the spoiler on the trunk. When merging into traffic or overtaking, just pull out.  The other cars will just stop. If ...

When we have hurt or offended someone, we need to ask their forgiveness.  Sometimes, the only thing that’s required is a sincere apology but if the offense is great, we may need to do more in order to reconcile the relationship.  Both repentance and reconciliation are necessary steps in healing the hurt caused by the offense.  Call on your honest friend again, and undertake a review of yourself to find the wrongs that you have done. Honest repentance means that we are first aware of our failing and that we have a sincere desire to correct it and not repeat it.  What is the failing that you have committed?  Buddhism identifies that there are 10 negative karmas that are often the basis for all wrongdoing, including killing, theft, lying, deceit, spreading hatred, craving, adultery, “dissembling speech that is untruthfully florid”, false view and doing harm.  Once we have identified our failing, the next thing to do is to admit it.  Out loud.  In...