Learning and understanding

Irony is a wonderful thing, isn’t it?  So many people are walking, breathing, unaware examples! So, what brought this on?  Well, I was listening to people giving me their unwanted advice on my diet.  “You need to eat healthy!” (Because I obviously sit around sucking poison 24/7) and telling me to avoid meat, chocolate, alcohol, ice cream, rice, bread, potatoes, chicken, curry, fish... my interpretation is that they would prefer that I learn to eat by photosynthesis!  Anyway, these same “eat organic, gluten-free, peanut-free, exotic, all-natural, no fried food” pushers will then head off to a restaurant and inhale deep fried organic-free-range-gluten-free whatever. Or let’s take the question of equity.  For those of us privileged enough to form part of the majority, we can turn our backs on others and say things like, “That’s just the way it is.  Some things will never change!”  If we are gain acceptance into a previously closed group, all too often...

It’s been 19 years since I moved to Canada.  It’s been 19 years of living in a different country, with a different culture, different behaviours.  I’m happy that I moved — don’t misunderstand— and I was considering how I’ve changed in the time.  Growing up in Trinidad, there were several things that were core to me, although I might not always express them overtly. As a country, Trinidad and Tobago was always proud of being multi-ethnic and integrated.  Bishop Desmond Tutu once referred to it as being a “rainbow country.”  The blends of various ethnicities result in people in shades from deep blue-black to creamy white, with even siblings varying in their shades.  I was accustomed to dealing with people at all levels who would be referred to in Canada as “visible minorities.”  It is not, though, free from the evils of discrimination... I remember my grandmother talking about how she was looked down on for being a “dirty Indian” and that my aunts and ...

Martin Luther King day approaches for this year, and his famous “I have a dream” speech is played again.  I think that most people know this speech and its key tenets, ending with, “Free at last, free at last, thank God almighty, free at last!”  It was over 50 years ago, in 1963, that he delivered this speech in Washington DC, capital of the USA.  And still, there are so many strains of inequality that are entwined in our society, and so many people who are blind to them.  The stereotypes are so deeply ingrained that they’re invisible to most people unless we make a conscious effort to identify and change them. But, I hear you ask, we’re in 2018.  Aren’t we past this whole nonsense?  Aren’t the people who keep on about divisions in society just creating problems?  I don’t see colour, just live and let live. My friend, I’m sad to report that racism — and its attendant ills of xenophobia, homophobia and misogyny— is still alive.  While things ar...

I was asked, as many people were, what I would like to see in the new year.  Being able to explain it simply was challenging... then I watched Doctor Who, and found the answer.  I’ve paraphrased to be more reflective of my thoughts, and I hope that this makes sense.  I also hope that it touches something in you, and that you find meaning. I would like, in the years ahead, if we can agree on some essential items: Be brave, and face the challenges of life.  Never be cowardly, especially when it’s easier. Understand that the important things in life are the intangibles.  We can always make more money, buy new things and replace what’s worn out.  We can’t buy time with loved ones or do-over events that have passed.   Hatred is always, always foolish and wrong.  Never act out of hate. Anger may be justified, but never make a decision while angry, especially one that affects others. Forgive those who hurt you, so that you can be free of negati...

It’s almost the end of 2017, and soon the news will be recaps of the past 12 months.  It’s also the time when Christmas newsletters arrive either by post (more rarely now) or online. This year has been another challenging one for me.  It’s not quite an annus horibilis , but it’s certainly not fun. In December last year, my doctor confirmed that the “something” that showed on my scans was a recurrence and spread of my cancer into 2 locations.  This year therefore started with radiation treatments, which were not as hard on me as the last time, but which certainly sapped my strength.  I went home to Trinidad in March and did some recuperating, and returned to work until June, when my doctor advised that I would have to stop working and focus on my health. I fought that ruling, arguing that there were some projects that were dear to me that I wanted to finish... and I lost that battle.  I started chemotherapy in June, and worked with therapists to help me cop...

This is not about cancer or illness.  It’s something else that is insidious, though. I was having lunch with some girlfriends recently, and we were pleasantly surprised to find how similar our teen years were despite the fact that we were all from countries thousands of miles apart with no obvious links.  We all grew up having crushes on rock stars; being obsessed with fashion and all specialized in science at school.  We also had moments when we were “different” from the rest of the crowd.  What we shared was the times when we were in groups where size — specifically weight and measurements — were the important things.  Sad, isn’t it, that women around the world are taught that their worth relates to their looks? It seems that women around the world all share moments of insecurity about our bodies.  It’s not made any easier when we’re going through sanctioned hatred.  One thing that is in common for all of us are “women’s” magazines, which feature...

In the past few weeks, I’ve been invited to at least 5 sessions on mindfulness.   That may be the universe trying to give me a message! As we’re starting the Advent season, the readings for each day focus on waiting, preparedness and the “end of days” — the end of the world.  It’s interesting, because this links to the concept of mindfulness in a meaningful way also. There are times when I slip into “what if...” and wonder how different life would be had I made other choices.  (Cue George Michael’s “ A Different Corner ” here!). There are people who spend most of their lives living in the past, full of regrets, bitterness, anger and disappointment.  But the past is fixed, closed and dead.  Nothing that we do will make the smallest change to what has happened, and we miss so much of what is happening if we spend our lives constantly reviewing the past. Then there are times when I think, “once I get to ,” that things will change drastically.  They don’t...

My mother once showed me one of her wedding presents; a set of smoke coloured glasses in about 6 sizes.  It lived in a cupboard, still wrapped in the original paper.  I asked her why she never used it, and she explained that shortly after she and my father were married, they had some friends over, and one glass was broken.  She decided that she would keep them all safe, and they were relegated to the cupboard.  After her death, when my siblings and I went through her stuff, they were there, unused and unenjoyed. In the last few months, I’ve started clearing out things that I haven’t used in more than a year, and there are, sadly, a lot of them.  I was able to part with some of my books by donating them to a Little Free Library , and comforting myself with the thought that they would be read and appreciated by others.  I’ve arranged an auction to dispose of some of my evening dresses, which I no longer wear, and which I couldn’t bear to put in the donation...

I was reading a book recently that talked about the “micro-losses” that we experience as we age.  It starts with giving up our infancy to become children and students — how often have we been told “You can’t do that any more, you’re a big girl now!” (Or, more accurately, how often have we said that to a child?). Then moving from school to university to work — we lose small things.  We gain others in exchange — because we are students, we go out and make friends, learn new things, compete, etc.  At work, we develop skills, we deepen friendships, we contribute to the development of our company and society.  We marry, we gain family... we have a period where we get more of what makes us human. We also develop the idea that independence is critical.  We want to remain independent, to be “not a burden”, to be self-reliant.  And this is a comforting lie that we tell ourselves.  When we’re born, we are dependent on others for everything, and often, at the o...

This is the second part of what happened in 2012 when I was first diagnosed. November 3, as I mentioned, was the meeting with the surgeon and then the anniversary lunch for the parents. The day is still surreal, as I got there determined to celebrate, but mentally stuck on “I need surgery. I may have cancer,” With the family, their instant response was to support. To divide tasks to make it easier for everyone. Sunday, there was nothing to do but wait for the world to restart, and therefore I had some limited time to think. I used it to plan what needed to be done and to reach out to friends. The early part of the week was spent in doing tests, arranging for blood donors, talking to the office and the insurance company.  As the 9th approached, there were tests to be done, scans to arrange, leave to be entered. I’m eternally grateful for my friends at the office, especially Sylvie, who made sure that I was looked after and that I just had to sign documents. They took care of t...

This time of year is very difficult for me.  It was this week in 2012 that my life changed irrevocably.  Every year since then, I find myself reliving this week almost hourly.  I think about the circumstances that led up to this week, and the subsequent activities.  Some of them are easier to handle than others. Back in 2012, I had a minor operation in May which should have meant 2 - 3 days off work.  Instead, I was off for over a week, and then had a persistent infection that had me on antibiotics for most of the summer.  I was tired frequently, and my energy was low.  Checks with my GP suggested that I would need additional tests, but I was diagnosed with malabsorption and put on a special diet to improve my iron, vitamin and other levels. In September, I had planned to visit my friends in Europe, but that was canceled because of a change in their circumstances.  So I thought that I would surprise my parents with a visit home for their 45th ...

I was clearing some closets recently and discovered that I have a veritable graveyard of old technology.  Starting with a Palm V (anyone remember those?) through a mini-laptop and external drives.  I also found a box of old drive cables, including a serial bus cable. I remember when each of these was new, and how excited I was to get them.  The Palm V was supposed to replace my paper diary (it didn’t, not completely) and keep me more organized.  I did use it for the scheduling functions, but it often ran out of power. I think I spent more time playing solitaire on it than tracking my activities. Then I had my MP3 player.  I opted against the iPod, because I had a Zen that provided everything the iPod did for much less.  I used it almost daily for over a year — I even upgraded it — and then it fell into disuse when I changed offices and lost access to the radio feature.  My mini-laptop was my choice over a tablet; it was smaller and lighter than a t...

The first time is special, isn’t it?  To be the one to, pardon the pun, enter virgin territory. The person who is first is special, unlike others, is remembered for this accomplishment. Then there’s a wash of other, lesser mortals who are forgotten and the special nature becomes ordinary. We’re still marking “firsts” even now. Some of them are breakthroughs in science and medicine - first targeted DNA treatments for cancer; first driverless cars; robotic surgery... marvellous innovation!  Some firsts are, well, sadly coming late. It’s 2017, and still we’re looking at first black, first Asian, first woman to be recognized.  We should have had all of those behind us years ago. It adds to the sadness when we actually enter debates about who is the best first. Earlier this year, Canada wanted to introduce a woman, other than the Queen, on the currency.  Debates about the selection raged, with critics saying that while Viola Desmond was worth honouring there were othe...

Channeling some Bob Marley today. I couldn’t avoid this one. I’ve been trying, but it got too big.  So much anger is being displayed against inclusion, and my brain is not coping well. In my opinion, equity is essential to society. There is no argument for denying access to people that makes sense.  We’ve used all kinds of excuses:  women are too emotional to be in business; nursing is not for a man; black people don’t have the capacity to be academic; Chinese are good for mining work, and so on.  As time passed, we’ve gradually realized that these are all very stupid, weak and disgusting excuses for protecting the privilege of a few. Sadly, humans are human, and we can justify anything using any argument.  We have used texts that speak of love to excuse horrible behaviour, and then used more of the texts to condone more atrocities.  We have a web of illusion that allows us to pretend that “others” do all the wrong and we are blameless, but if we’re h...

I was thinking about the core myths we use daily.  In my case, they include the belief that I am the master of my fate: that I can control the outcome of my life choices.  To a degree, that’s true.  If I decide to eat a salad, there are consequences to that choice.  In my case, it would mean a day or so of “digestive distress”, a polite way of saying that I’ll be unfit for human company! This served me well in many circumstances growing up. My determination (what some people called stubbornness) helped me through many difficulties and enabled me to achieve my goals. It has been such a central part of my psyche for so long that teenage me received a poster that commemorates it! Over the years, this pushed me out of my comfort zone to take on different roles, up to working on my communication style and changing some behaviours. Now, my willpower is not enough to get me through this.  I rely on it for a lot of strength, and it helps me to set goals, to plan and...

As everyone knows, I'm an avid and voracious reader.  I was rereading some of my old favourites -- this time Asimov and Clarke -- and I was struck by how much things have changed. Science fiction has gone through many iterations from the early days (Jules Verne and H.G. Wells spring to mind).  It's always been a place to explore humanity separated from "reality" (No, I won't go into a discussion of Star Trek here!  I'll save that for another time  🙂). Issues like racism, morality and politics are all addressed using aliens, unusual situations (end of the world, leaps through space...) But the thing that stuck out most in my latest reading was the role of women and societal mores. Asimov, Clarke, Heinlein and Silverberg wrote during the "golden age" of science fiction, at a time when there were few, if any, women leads.  In fact, most of the books featured no female characters.  If they did, they were either vapid housewives who were an inconven...

This week, I officially ended working.  It was a day that I knew would come, but I had planned it for "someday when I'm older." I had mixed feelings about going in to empty my office.  One part of me was hurt that my coworkers hadn't sent a card to wish me well, and I didn't want to meet any of them because I didn't want my hurt to show.  Another part of me cringed from the finality of emptying my office -- of giving in and admitting that things have changed.  The third part wanted to be back with people that I've worked with for over 10 years, and who are an extra support system.  Then, of course, was the part of me that wondered "what am I going to do with all the stuff in my office?" So last Thursday -- August 31, the end of the month, and (symbolically) Independence Day -- I headed in, carrying my laptop, phone and pass for the last time.  The comforting familiarity of being there, going up the escalator, walking past the line at Tim Hort...

I was listening to some Beatles music recently, and one of the songs was Eleanor Rigsby .  I always found that song exceptionally sad, and this time wasn't any different.  It got me thinking about all of the "invisible" people we encounter daily, and how many there are. I realized, in my visits to the hospital, that I encounter at least 15 people on any visit, but I wouldn't remember their names.  There's the receptionist -- who changes each time; the nurses; the orderlies; the technicians... Add to those the volunteers, the security officers, etc, and it's easy to see how they add up.  I started thinking about how many people I encounter daily, and then I wonder how many of them remember me? We all like to think that we're remarkable, special and that we leave a strong positive impression. To our families and loved ones, we are.  But outside of that charmed circle, we're another face in the crowd, or a shadow that passes.  We're invisible to o...

This is post 💯!  Woo! For reaching this lovely, round milestone, I've been reflecting on the changes in me over the past 7 years. The early posts on this blog contain the comments that I had found hard to believe.  They are all true, no matter how outrageous they seem.  I had collected them to highlight the absurdity of many everyday activities.  There are lots more, but the world has become much less civilized and the need for those has decreased. Then I tried online journaling as my blog.  Let's just say that I am not Samuel Pepys.  The discipline needed escaped me. Plus, I thought people would be bored reading about my meals 😀  The current incarnation is a series of thoughts about various topics.  These change depending on my mood or what enters my mind at random times.  And here's what I was thinking today. A few weeks ago, I attended a project management seminar. I used to do these regularly, but have slipped off lately.  ...

I am angry.  It's a deep, simmering anger, that I've been refusing to acknowledge for months.  In fact, it's been brewing since the day 6 months ago when my doctor said, "Your cancer is incurable.  We can still treat it, but the goal is now to make sure that you're comfortable and manage your symptoms." I thought that I was managing it.  I found things to do, focussed on work, dealt with issues, learned new things... went through radiation treatment, travelled, visited people.  But it keeps popping up.  At 2am when I woke up and the dark hovers over me, my imaginings include accidents, yelling at random strangers... when I went out, I hoped for opportunities to pick fights.  I thought I was managing it.  I listened to people being awkward with their comments.  "You look fabulous, you must be feeling fine!"  No, actually, I'm not.  "Oh, I'll see you back in the office in 2 weeks!"  I don't think so.  "Have you tried...

Some years ago, the wife of a friend of mine met my group of friends and said, "How did you meet so many strong women?  I've never seen so many in one place!"  It surprised me, because I'd never met any woman who wasn't, by definition, strong.  The women that I knew, and all the ones in my life, had all been good examples to me.  This started with my own family.  My grandmother raised 3 daughters after being widowed at 38 in a time when women weren't encouraged to work outside of the home.  My great-grandmother helped foster many children apart from her own 9.  My paternal grandmother raised 11 children.  My aunt raised a large family working a low-wage job.  Another aunt went to work as a typist to help support the family.  My mother was one of the first non-white employees in an organization where she stayed for almost 40 years.  The list goes on. When I moved to Canada, the other women that I met were equally strong.  Some...

Winston Churchill, among others, noted that freedom of speech for some people means saying what they  think, but taking offence at others.  In the 70 years since his time, we've had many disputes over what constitutes free speech.  Most recently, we've had debates on "being politically correct" and a huge backlash against "progressivism" and "liberalism." I'm not entering into a discussion on the value of euphemisms or political correctness.  Any initiative taken to an extreme is of no value to anyone.  And we can agree that there are people who don't understand moderation, or who think that their view is the only one that matters.  So I'll leave that there. But on the subject of free speech -- I'm inclined to think that we've become lazy debaters, and rude conversationalists.  Too many times I've heard or seen potential discussions deteriorate into name calling and demands to boycott people, businesses and ideas.  We se...

I was at a project management seminar recently, and the talk turned (as always) to projects that don't work as planned.  I asked, "How many people admit to having managed a failed project?"  Unsurprisingly, every one began to argue the definition to put the most positive spin on the result, and to deny failure. Our society doesn't value setbacks, which is what happens when we fail.  We talk  about it -- who hasn't heard about Edison's 10,000 ways not to invent the lightbulb? -- but we don't want to admit to failing.  We also don't want to be associated with anything that doesn't work; one study that I saw that showed that almost 2/3 projects in IT did not succeed, but of all the many thousands of managers none will admit to having led any of them. Add to that the discussion on what constitutes success.  According to some people, success means having a big house, a luxury car, and a beautiful spouse.  For others, it's having stable income an...

Has anyone paid attention to how often we hate something about our bodies?  It really doesn't matter what we really look like, everyone hates her belly, arms, neck, breasts... the list is as long as the number of body parts we have! Then there are the people who spend many thousands to nip, tuck, implant or remove things.  There is (as we all know) a booming industry fed off of vanity. I'm as guilty as anyone.  Having lost about 100lbs during my assorted treatments and illnesses, people now say "Oh, you're tiny!" I look in the mirror and I see the scar that bisects my abdomen, the skin that's loose, the sags and other failings.  I look at my pictures, and I see all of the flaws on my skin -- moles, discolouration, and faint lines.  I don't see myself as "tiny", but I see flaws and I think "Oh, I need to lose some weight!" We need to be kinder to ourselves.  If my friends see me as "tiny" and pretty, why don't I?  Ins...

As I do from time to time, I'm re-reading some childhood favourites.  Some of them hold up very well (Chronicles of Narnia, Laura Ingalls Wilder, Anne of Green Gables) while others... not so much. I always enjoyed Enid Blyton.  I objected to the characterization of her books as racist and sexist, and inappropriate for children.  They may be racist and sexist in some ways, but the elements that make them good are the stories and the believable interactions between the characters, and those are entirely appropriate for children.  Who hasn't wanted to be able to solve mysteries like the Famous Five?  I know that I went in search of secret passages when I visited old houses :)  I also enjoy reading the Chalet School series, which presents a very idyllic school environment, with locations in Austria, Switzerland and the west of England.  It definitely encouraged me to learn French and German, and started a love affair with languages. Rereading these boo...

In re-reading The Chronicles of Narnia  this year, I noticed the phrase "take the adventure that's sent to us," several times.  It was usually at a point when a decision needed to be made, whether to go on and fight, or turn back and give up.  No surprise at the decision made! This past year was one that took adventure in stride.  I started off with my usual trip home, but this time my dear friend Jovanka came with me for a week.  It was great fun to see my home through someone else's eyes, and to recognize the beauty that is Trinidad and Tobago.  We did manage to not see any of Carnival, and it's amazing how that has not affected life  😉  This was my first visit where my mother wasn't there.  Still surreal. In April I went to Cuba to celebrate a friend's 50th birthday.  In passing, I am astounded that my friends are approaching or passing their half-century... time flies, doesn't it?  Cuba was gorgeous, with great food and peo...

I've been noticing that we're awash in words that mean very little. We talk about "inclusion" while meaning "how do we choose the people we want to be with us?" We say, "natural, organic" when we mean "morally superior." We say, "amazing" when we mean "everyday." We say, "heart-warming" when we mean "maudlin." Then we say that people don't communicate.

I'm currently in Podgorica, Montenegro, having flown halfway around the world to support my friend's son in a game I don't understand 😊. It's new territory for me, as everyone knows that I am not an athlete.  But when the chance arose, I bought my ticket, got on a plane and here I am! Montenegro is not a place that I ever expected to visit.  In fact, until last month, I barely knew it existed, and if asked, I thought it was Macedonia.  When I did hear about it, it was usually in a joke about slow service, lazy people, and a dormant culture. In 2 days, I've busted the myth of slow service - all of our experience with waiters is that they're prompt, attentive and willing to explain things when they realize that my Serbian is all but non-existent. In talking to dozens of people (trying to get directions) only one was surly; the rest were helpful and chatty.  And I now know more of the language and can make (very basic) sense of signs. Today I attended ...

Albert Einstein, apart from his work in defining the theory of relativity, is also a source of some wonderful quotations.  The title of this post is one of them:  Everything must be made as simple as possible.  But not simpler. And the topic of this post may be summed up as: Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity.  And I'm not sure about the universe. I've written before about our needlessly complicated relationship with food, and the barrage of advertisements that assault us daily.  I've tried to ignore both and focus on other issues, but I can't do it much longer. Everyone has seen the articles about "healthy eating" and been inundated with recipes that promise to give us "guilt-free" indulgences and which tout the magical properties of "superfoods."  So here's the short, super simple guide to food: If you enjoy it, eat it. None of us are getting out alive, so to pretend that eating certain things will w...

It's Ash Wednesday today, and I spent part of the morning in church beginning my Lenten period.  While there, I began to really appreciate the benefits of a pluralistic society which also supports freedom of expression. The fact that I was in a church, freely worshipping, and would leave with ashes marking my forehead to go to malls, to the office, to banks with nobody batting an eye is something we take for granted.  There are people who do not have this unconscious luxury. I have friends who tell of growing up under communist rule who had to hide their religious beliefs. Of not ever breathing a word about prayers that were said at home, for fear of reprisals.  Of the day when they were first allowed to freely worship in public, and how much it touched them. And there are others who ridicule anyone whose beliefs or practices differ from their own.  Who want to destroy the different. Rarely are they overt about it, though, thankfully.  They refuse to accept that...

I'm watching Carnival unfold in its sequinned and glittering splendour. Each costume is expensive, both in terms of time and money.  Each costume represents thousands of dollars and hours for completion. It's worn for two days and then discarded. During those days, though, they are the centre of attention, and they are admired by everyone who sees them. Looking on, thoughts come to mind of how many things are like those costumes; things on which we expend time and money for a brief experience that doesn't last.  The  experience of spending time on our pleasures enriches our lives.  We relax, we expand our way of thinking and we learn new skills.  Sometimes what we learn is temporary- like how to make that special occasion dish that's very finicky but delicious; sometimes it's more long term, like developing knife skills (guess who's been cooking a lot lately?) 😃. Have you got other examples? But the main idea that I've been toying with is that we can spend ...

I know, January is half over and I’m only now getting to my resolutions.  In my (weak) defense, I was late celebrating Christmas, and it’s not yet the lunar new year, and it’s still January, so… Like everyone else, I make and break resolutions on a regular basis.  I haven’t given up on them yet, and maybe one day I’ll decide that there are some worth doing properly.  In the meantime, I’ve looked at the things that matter, and the things that make me happy, and here are my resolutions for 2016 and onwards. Spend time with my family and friends.  Buy and eat the good chocolate. Drink the good tea / wine / other stuff. Take the trip. Spend less time with negative people.  I don’t need to do too much explaining of any of these, I think.  What if I don’t do all of them all the time?  No problem – I do the best that I can, and then start over as needed.  But my priorities are really centred around relationships and the people...

OK, I confess, I’ve been watching “It’s a Wonderful Life” again.  It’s one of my Christmas traditions, and I admit that I still get teary eyed at the end.  (I also cheer when the postmen deliver the bags of mail to the courthouse, when the Grinch’s heart grows and when Scrooge dances on Christmas morning.)  I do love Christmas traditions, and especially when they’re shared. I know that there are people who consider this time to be “too commercial” and “fake” and “mushy”; I’m not one of them.  I do, though, resent when Christmas trees start showing up in July, and when seasonal songs are being played in mid-September.  I find that the rhythm of the traditions is as important as the celebration itself.  I still maintain that there are certain foods that one only has at Christmas, that there are things that speak of the season directly.  But I also maintain that it’s possible to keep Christmas the whole year through. When we honour trad...

This is the third week of Advent in the Christian calendar.  (I know, I know, these have taken on a more Christian tone lately. Despair not, for I will not force a conversion on you.)  Anyway, the third Sunday of Advent is referred to as "Gaudete" or "Joyful."  I think that we need to spend a little time thinking about joy. I was asked recently "How do you find happiness?" and I thought that was at once a dreadfully sad concept and a wonderfully profound question. the first thing to remember is that happiness is a choice.  We decide, every day, every moment, whether we will be happy, or angry or disenchanted.  I've seen countless books, films, articles and other pieces of advice that talk about how differently we treat things as adults from when we were children -- and in a way we do.  Because as a child, our ideas, responsibilities and choices were childish.  As we grow, we must put aside childish things and pick up those of adults.  T...