Learning and understanding

OK, I confess, I’ve been watching “It’s a Wonderful Life” again.  It’s one of my Christmas traditions, and I admit that I still get teary eyed at the end.  (I also cheer when the postmen deliver the bags of mail to the courthouse, when the Grinch’s heart grows and when Scrooge dances on Christmas morning.)  I do love Christmas traditions, and especially when they’re shared. I know that there are people who consider this time to be “too commercial” and “fake” and “mushy”; I’m not one of them.  I do, though, resent when Christmas trees start showing up in July, and when seasonal songs are being played in mid-September.  I find that the rhythm of the traditions is as important as the celebration itself.  I still maintain that there are certain foods that one only has at Christmas, that there are things that speak of the season directly.  But I also maintain that it’s possible to keep Christmas the whole year through. When we honour trad...

This is the third week of Advent in the Christian calendar.  (I know, I know, these have taken on a more Christian tone lately. Despair not, for I will not force a conversion on you.)  Anyway, the third Sunday of Advent is referred to as "Gaudete" or "Joyful."  I think that we need to spend a little time thinking about joy. I was asked recently "How do you find happiness?" and I thought that was at once a dreadfully sad concept and a wonderfully profound question. the first thing to remember is that happiness is a choice.  We decide, every day, every moment, whether we will be happy, or angry or disenchanted.  I've seen countless books, films, articles and other pieces of advice that talk about how differently we treat things as adults from when we were children -- and in a way we do.  Because as a child, our ideas, responsibilities and choices were childish.  As we grow, we must put aside childish things and pick up those of adults.  T...

This year, starting on December 8, 2015, Pope Francis has proclaimed to be an Extraordinary Jubilee Year of Mercy.  Feel free to look up the details on Jubilee Years (every 25) and Extraordinary Jubilee Years (called by the Pope from time to time); I want to talk a bit about mercy. Mercy is one of those virtues that tends to be overlooked.  It’s often seen as being more “weak” than many of its parallels.  Often, when we speak of mercy, it’s in the context of a lenient judgement.  (Followed by a curse for the defense attorney.)  But the requirement for mercy is specific; the Catholic tradition has 14 distinct acts that are identified as “merciful” – 7 corporal (or physical) and 7 spiritual.  Many religions also make reference to acts of mercy (fairly specifically: caring for the sick, feeding the hungry, almsgiving, burying the dead, visiting prisoners, clothing the naked and sheltering the homeless.)  Instructing, advising, consolin...

It’s the first week of Advent, the beginning of a new Church year.  It’s the lead in to one of the biggest holiday shopping sprees of the year. This year, I thought I would explore Advent a bit more closely.  In the Catholic church, the four Sundays before Christmas are the Sundays of Advent.  Each week, we progress closer to the birth of Jesus and we focus on a different part of the start of Jesus’ story.  The first week begins with a reminder to be ever vigilant against sin, and to wait faithfully for the return of the lord.  Waiting is not something we enjoy doing.  We acquire more and more items to reduce the time that we need to wait – microwave frozen breakfast sandwiches, anyone?  I’ve seen an ad for a “breakfast sandwich machine” that promises to make perfect sandwiches in just 5 minutes.  (I’ve timed myself, and it takes me 3 minutes to cook the same sandwich using “normal” kitchen implements.)  We are persuaded that by having more...

I have a dog.  Well, to be more accurate, a dog has me. We named him Stewie because he seemed to have plots being hatched behind his deep brown eyes and fringe.  He was 4 years old, had come from a family who lived in the country, and was nervous of men, especially those with bags or umbrellas.  Don was the only man he allowed near him.  It took about 2 weeks for him to fully train Don to get up, go for walks, and provide snacks on demand.  When Don took a nap, Stewie took a nap, lying in the same position.  When hockey was on, Stewie sat and watched intently. He learned our routines, and promptly took over.  He would wake me every morning at 6, and paw on the bed until I got up.  He would remind Don of the time to come pick me up from work – and the time to take him for walks. Once we welcomed him into our home, there were certain things that we gave up – the ability to sleep in on weekends; the ability to use the bathroom without a small furry...

Two months ago, the base of my world cracked.  For my whole family, things changed drastically. Two months later, I still have to remind myself that my mother isn’t coming home.  That she won’t be sitting in her usual spot at the table.  That we won’t be doing any of the things that I routinely plan for us to do when she visits.  And a lot of other things that say that nothing will be the same again. I can still hear her voice on the outgoing answering machine message, and I want her to pick up the phone so I can tell her about this horrible nightmare that I’ve been having where she died.  But she doesn’t, and every day the unreality is there.  I miss calling her to tell her about the bargains that I found at the supermarket.  Or about the things that were happening at work.  Or asking for her advice on managing my finances.  Or telling her about a new restaurant, or recipe, or suggesting a TV show to watch.  (I’d call to say “Columbo ...

It’s time for the semi-annual fashion update, Canadian summer edition. It’s warm, it’s sunny, we can finally go outside without the heavy down parkas and other winter wear.  It’s picnic weather and time to be in the park with the dog.  So why am I buzz-killing about fashion? Well, unless you’ve managed a job where you aren’t in an office from April to November, and are instead lounging somewhere near water for 6 months, you still have to be appropriately and professionally dressed.  So here goes: We’ve already established the warm weather means no heavy winter clothes.  Please don’t go to the other extreme and wear your beach clothes to the office!  This is for both men and women (and all variations thereof.) Ladies: No part of your torso below your collarbones should be on display in the office. What that means is: No deep cleavage. No midriff-baring tops. No strapless tops. No spaghetti straps. Your skirt should be no shorter than the tips of your f...

The national motto of Trinidad and Tobago is “Together we aspire, together we achieve.”  (And in my primary school days, we would finish with a chant of “that’s why God made bread and cheese!” just to prove that we knew how to rhyme!)    Disclosure :  I’ve been trying to write this for about a month, now, but each time it emerged from me in a way that did not make me happy, so it sat.  I hope that this version says what is needed. I’m reminded of this because of a slew of really hateful messages that have been filling my email and social media feeds lately.  I’m not going to replicate any of them; I think that oblivion is what they deserve.  But it did make me wonder – why have we become so hate-filled and hateful?  What is the source of all the fear and rage? I was at a session recently where we discussed diversity, and someone said something that made lights go on and bells ring (not the alarm system!)  What she said was: “The diversity p...

“Why do you seek the living among the dead?” How many times have we done that?  Gone in search of something to try to regain what we had?  Gone back to something or someone in the hope of finding that what we had isn’t lost, only to realise that it’s empty.  Some people never leave the tomb and spend much of their lives in mourning, keeping their minds fixed on the past.  It requires a leap in faith to turn away from the empty tomb and see what awaits us. The Easter story brings us that message very strongly.  Jesus’ friends went to the tomb to seek him out, and found the tomb to be empty.  They went away, weeping and afraid.  The gospels say “they did not yet understand” what had happened.  Huddled together in fear and sorrow, they mourned their loss.  Don’t we do the same?  When we have broken with the past, we need some time to mourn the loss. There is a time when we relive what we had, go back to what was, all to make sense of this...

  I saw a challenge recently to “go for a day without complaining.”  I looked at it and thought “Hah!  That’s not a challenge!  Who complains that much that a day seems like a challenge?”  Then I started making notes of complaints.  Well, howdy – there’s a whole litany of complaints throughout the day!  It’s actually, and sadly, easier to go a day without saying “Thanks” than it is to not complain! We start the day with a grumble about the weather… “Oh, it’s too cold.”  (which I will admit has been going on here for the past 7 months.)  “Oh, it’s raining.”  “It’s so hot!” Then there’s the “I don’t know what to wear” group… “Will you hurry up?  We’re going to be late!” “All the lights are red!  And this traffic!” “Who was supposed to do this?” “What is taking so long?” “Why can’t they get my order right?” “Oh that line is so slow!” “This day is dragging!” (or “I haven’t had time to even go to the washroom, I’m so bus...

    I have noticed that people don’t always seem to understand the difference between a problem and an inconvenience.  So many people go through their days recounting the many “problems” that they faced, seeking some validation of a struggle.  Most of the time they aren’t dealing with problems, but with inconveniences. Why, you ask, do I care?  Well, it’s because in the middle of the “problem facers” are people who are dealing with real problems, and they often don’t say too much about them.  They’re being strong and silent, supporting others around them.  Wouldn’t it be so much nicer if we could do less griping and more encouraging? So what’s the difference?  An inconvenience is a difficulty caused to your comfort or personal desires.  A problem is a situation that is harmful or dangerous and needs to be handled.  Most of the things we encounter daily are inconveniences.  Although, to listen to some people, they are life-alterin...

My late grandmother was a powerhouse of a woman.  She was short – under 5’ tall – and the first adult who was shorter than I was as a child.  (I think I was about 10 when I was taller than she was.)  She was often strict and had some very old-fashioned views (she was born in 1903, so that’s not surprising!)  She was widowed young, with 3 daughters and not much money, but she raised my mother and aunts to be independent in an era when things were very difficult for women of colour. In all things though, we adored her and she returned that with interest.  The anniversary of her death was a few days ago, and I’ve been thinking about the things that I learnt from her that still guide my life. Coconut oil is the best thing to use on your skin and hair.  Everyone needs to know how to cook.  Make your own meals most of the time – you know what you’re eating, it’s cheaper and it’s much better for you than the stuff you buy. But the best that you can afford...

We all have beliefs that we use to sustain ourselves.  We believe that we are competent, capable and caring.  We believe that we can accomplish things, and that we will ultimately succeed.  We believe that we’re not good enough, smart enough or rich enough to matter.  We believe that success is just out of reach because we’re too fat, too lazy or too busy to make a change. Whatever our beliefs are, we live them.  If we believe that the world is essentially a good place, filled with caring people, we will tend to find it so.  We will almost always find that one person who makes the goodness shine out.  If we believe that the world is dark and ugly, then we will find that too.  Doesn’t it make sense, then, to seek out the good in things, and to keep going back to that in difficult times? I know that the world frowns on people who espouse a belief in God.  But for every mocking article, every negative bit of news coverage, there is another wit...

We’ve all got mannerisms that mimic our parents.   Sometimes they’re comforting, sometimes irritating, and most often they’re overlooked until a particular situation brings them out.  I never noticed, for instance, how much my youngest sister sounded like our mother until one day when I happened to call home and she answered.  It took a few minutes to realise that it was she and not our mother.  Most often, people tell me that I’m exactly like my father. My niece comments that it takes her a few seconds to identify which aunt is on the phone because we sound alike.  (Since she started using Skype, that’s not a problem any longer!) When the family is together, the mannerisms aren’t noticeable. They’re part of the tapestry of the family.  It’s when I spend time with my siblings away from the whole that I notice how many times our parents are echoed.  With my younger sisters, they bring our mother to mind.  They imitate her comments, her way o...

Dear Ms. Demeanour, First time writer, long time reader.  I just want to say how fabulous I think you are! Last week, while I was waiting at the doctor’s office for a check-up, people kept giving me dirty, angry looks!  Two people glared at me before moving seats away from me.  An old woman (miserable type, you know the kind?) handed me a tissue and said “Wipe up, dearie!”  Interfering old bat.  And a small child said “Cover your mouth when you cough.”  Don’t they understand that I have a bad flu , and I need to breathe?  What should I have said or done in that case? Sick of it. Dear Sick, What a dreadful experience you had!  First, that you had to get out of your house in that condition; you poor thing!  Then to have all of those people point out your ailment to your face.  I am shocked. Perhaps next time, you could consider staying at home and avoiding contact with people?  You should have all the amenities there – bed, frid...

Continuing with Lent. There are two archaic expressions that are beautifully descriptive for the situations where you have apologised, or you have forgiven, and you want to show that your change is real.  We’ll look each of them as examples of the change. You have done something wrong, and you have apologised.  How do you show that were sincere about not doing it again?  I’m sure that you’ve heard of the expression “to wear sack cloth and ashes” (or variations thereof.)  This is an ancient ritual which involved the penitent person wearing a shirt made of stiff goat hair (with the hair worn against the skin) and smearing their face with ashes.  The point was to have the person undergo some suffering and public shaming for a defined period to show their remorse.  Some religious groups continue the practice, by wearing uncomfortable shirts to remind themselves of their failings.  (And I think that some women do this by wearing some very uncomfortable sh...

How many times must I forgive? If someone has hurt me, why should I forgive them?  And if they do it more than once?  Everyone – Christians and non – knows Matthew 18:22.  (“I say to you, not seven times, but seventy times seven.”)  We’ve heard stories of those superhuman people who forgive offenses against them.  Immaculée Ilibagiza, who survived the Rwandan genocide and forgave the people who killed her family.  Nelson Mandela, who was imprisoned for 30 years and forgave his captors and led South Africa into a more inclusive democracy.Corrie Ten Boom, a Holocaust survivor.  The list is surprisingly lengthy.  All of them have a common message:  “I forgave them, and I was free.”   It is not easy to forgive others, especially when the hurt is great.  We look at the offender and think, “I trusted you, and this is what you did to me?”  Many of us have also said, “I’ll never forgive you for this!” and probably meant it, too....

We’ve all seen them.  The lurking articles that are headed “You won’t believe…” or “This is the most astounding…” and so on.  Click-bait.  The teaser lines that are supposed to grab your attention so that you click to read the article or view the clip.  Then you see that the story links to something else that “You must see…” or that “Doctors hate…”, etc. This made me think a bit about human nature.    I’ve seen several that claimed, for instance, that they contained information that “the establishment” wanted to bury. There’s a flood of stories about celebrities in unflattering photos.  There are articles that promise instant weight loss, cures for every disease in existence, miraculous transformations, promises to make you immediately rich, and invitations to “catch the perfect partner.”  We know that they are time thieves at best, and at worst, they may be viruses or other spyware.  They promise new, life-changing information.  O...

I was visiting my family in Trinidad & Tobago recently, and almost pulled my hair out over the antics on the road.  Here’s what I observed: Never turn on your indicator. Letting other people know your intentions just ruins your advantage. Stop signs, speed limits and red lights are for wimps. Nobody and nothing tells you what to do! Never yield right of way. Even if you're in the wrong. If you have a choice between allowing someone to pass or causing a 15-mile backup, see previous rule. If you have to pick up or drop off a passenger, or you see a friend going the other way, stop in the middle of the lane. No pulling to the side, or someone might get ahead of you. Even if you're 3' tall, buy the largest SUV you can find. Then drive down the middle of the street.  You’re stylin’! Using mirrors is only for checking hair, makeup and the effect of the spoiler on the trunk. When merging into traffic or overtaking, just pull out.  The other cars will just stop. If ...

When we have hurt or offended someone, we need to ask their forgiveness.  Sometimes, the only thing that’s required is a sincere apology but if the offense is great, we may need to do more in order to reconcile the relationship.  Both repentance and reconciliation are necessary steps in healing the hurt caused by the offense.  Call on your honest friend again, and undertake a review of yourself to find the wrongs that you have done. Honest repentance means that we are first aware of our failing and that we have a sincere desire to correct it and not repeat it.  What is the failing that you have committed?  Buddhism identifies that there are 10 negative karmas that are often the basis for all wrongdoing, including killing, theft, lying, deceit, spreading hatred, craving, adultery, “dissembling speech that is untruthfully florid”, false view and doing harm.  Once we have identified our failing, the next thing to do is to admit it.  Out loud.  In...

Do you remember a time when you faced a choice of either battling through a difficult, painful situation or leaving it?  What were the factors that you considered before coming to your decision? This happens to each of us regularly.  The choice of whether to stay in a familiar job or take a new one; the choice of whether to remain in a relationship; the choice of whether to say something kind or cruel.  Every time we make a choice, it shapes who we are.  Each time we opt for anger over understanding, we become more angry.  When we choose to smile instead of frown, we become more cheerful. The power that our choices have on us is staggering.  We can choose to build successful, loving relationships by working together and finding common ways to resolve issues.  Or we can choose to be unhappy by working independently and assigning blame.  We can choose to stay in difficult, painful situations or we can break old habits and free ourselves. Making ...

What is a sin? I’ve asked this many times, and the answers change with each respondent, but at the core, there are these definitions:  sin separates us from God; sin is anything that you enjoy; sins are the flaws within us; sins are inevitable and inescapable, so you might as well just do what you want.  How’s that for confusing?  I think, though, that the best and clearest explanation that I ever got was from a priest (who has since passed on) while I was at school.  He said that a sin is a pleasure that has been taken to excess, and which is carried out to the exclusion of others.  Doing so destroys a piece of ourselves, because we lose the capacity for true appreciation. All good things bring us pleasure, which is intensified when we share with others.  Food is a pleasure, especially when shared with loved ones.  But food as an obsession – when we are more concerned about the appearance, provenance, volume or exclusivity of the food – is much le...

I confess to a guilty pleasure in watching infomercials, especially those for kitchen equipment.  I am entertained by the hosts (all of whom are “World Famous” even though I’ve never seen or heard of them before) who gush enthusiastically over the AMAZING BREAKTHROUGH!!!! represented by the product.  It’s intriguing to note that without the new product, I (as the average kitchen user) have spent thousands of hours and dollars doing everything WRONG.  This new product, they assure me, will solve the clutter in my cabinets; redeem counter space; slice, dice, mince and chop; cook meats from frozen and ultimately make me the envy of my neighbours, who will congregate at my house to be dazzled by my newfound kitchen wizardry. Then there are the beauty products, which guarantee to give me the looks of a supermodel, if I buy the product (shipped with amazing regularity.)  Or the fashion item that will take 15lbs off my waist if I wear it (modelled by a size 00 individual) ...

It’s the Christian season of Lent, and a time of fast and abstinence.  Fasting has a long history in all cultures, and is associated with drawing closer to the Almighty, or cleansing for the body and spirit.  At some point, everyone does a fast.  Whether it’s a self-imposed one the day after heavy indulgence (often accompanied by the groan “Never again!”) or deliberately done as part of another ritual (for religious, health or protest reasons) everyone has done it. Why do we do it?  Essentially, a fast allows us to better appreciate the abundance that surrounds us.  It can provide a better understanding of what is needed to sustain life, and what is a luxury.  Fasting is an indicator of plenty, because it is a choice to avoid something (a food or an activity) that surrounds us and which we normally share.  It’s a self-imposed deprivation, and should be entered into with joy and a desire to improve. The Bhagavad Gita calls fasting upavaasa , from the...

I was asked “Shall we pretend that only fairy tales exist?” Yes.  Because fairy tales (or folk tales, nursery tales, Anansi stories or myths) are the tools that we use to let others know how to deal with problems.  Which would you rather?  Explain to a child that the world is harsh and evil, that wicked people are everywhere and that they are powerless against the harm or explain that although the world can be hard, there are good things to be found?  Would you rather tell someone that they are useless, worthless, wastes of time, or tell them that they have intrinsic value?  Because that’s what fairy tales do.  They take the dark, cruel, hard world, which is pitted against small, powerless you, and show that you can overcome by hard work, kindness and some luck. The tales compiled by the brothers Grimm, with which most of us are familiar, are dark and often terrifying.  They speak of cannibalism, murder, rape, incest, hatred and all of humankind’s ...

(Notice a theme setting up here? ) It’s the year of the sheep, (specifically the Green Wood sheep), and as we’ve done for several years, my friends and I headed out for dim sum.  (Which is not exclusively a New Year event; it’s also a regular-weekend outing.)  Dim sum, rather like mezze and tapas, is a shared eating experience.  Lovely little plates of food are placed in the centre of the table, and everyone reaches in with her chopsticks to pick up her share.  (For the very fastidious types, we actually use serving chopsticks to pick up the dumplings and transfer to our bowls, then dive in with our personal ones.)  It makes for a sometimes messy meal, with the occasional friendly dispute over who gets the last har gow and trade-offs for the sui mai and jiaozi .  It’s family-style dining at its best.  Sharing a meal is one of the major bonding situations in life.  When we sit to eat with others, we’re providing nourishment, physically, emotio...

"If we cannot end now our differences, at least we can help make the world safe for diversity." John F. Kennedy Like every other Trinidadian, I grew up in a diverse society that was basically homogeneous.  .  National holidays include Easter and Christmas and Diwali and Eid.  My neighbours were Hindu on one side, Muslim on the other, and Orisha across the street.  My classmates (at a Roman Catholic school) included not only Catholics, but Muslims, Hindus and a closet atheist.  We all spoke English; our families had been born and raised in the Caribbean for at least 5 generations, and we had a shared heritage of colonialism, with all its attendant facets.  Then, as an adult, I moved to Canada, where I fully experienced a diverse society.  This was one where people were not only of Indian ancestry, they were Indian immigrants.  There were religions that previously had been only names… and there were people who had never experienced what I consider...

The latest addition to my cookbook collection are several French Caribbean books on desserts (including cakes, confectionery, pastries) – there are 3 books in all, each of which focuses on one area.  I have long ago admitted that many of my books are for display only as there is not enough time in a human life to try all of the recipes, although they certainly work for inspiration!  But these desserts may actually make it into reality.  The really enjoyable thing about them is that they take tropical fruits and turn them into delightful confections.  What would you say to a curry and grapefruit tart?  On the surface, it seems counterintuitive, but on reflection, the curry does work well with the strong tang of a grapefruit.  (full disclosure:  it’s a pinch of a mild curry powder into 1 1/2 cups of grapefruit pulp.)  I love the mixtures that are highlighted in this series. Anyone who enjoys cooking has also managed to have some experiments that...

This is part 4 of the discussion on meetings. Committees and working groups Talk about your bad rap!  Almost nobody wants to be part of a committee or a working group.  In fact, some of the funniest quotes about meetings are about committees.  I’m sure you’ve heard some of these quotes before! But there is no need for committees to be that painful!  (And no, I don’t enjoy them any more than the average person.)  Should you ever be asked to set up a committee or a working group or a task force (all variants on a theme.  Also included are “tiger teams”; “JAD groups” and “special assessments”) then please keep these considerations in mind: What exactly are you trying to accomplish?  You should know, before setting up the first meeting, what it is that you will be doing.  Are you advising on something?  Are you organizing something?  Are you reviewing?  Are you a community-based organization?  Be as clear as possible in defi...