Future thoughts

 Saw my doctor early this morning.  He was able to explain both my pain and my depression.  Briefly, the pain caused the depression (as several of you had suggested) as prolonged pain interrupts your neurochemistry and leads to feeling blue.  As for the pain, my nurse had said that the side of my back with the pain felt different, and my doctor said that it’s visibly swollen.  There’s a lot of scar tissue in that area from last year’s back surgery, and that can lead to spasms that are quite severe, and also accounts for my shortness of breath.  It’s something of a relief to hear that there are explanations for my symptoms.  We’ve adjusted my meds a bit, and suggested a few other options.  Annoyingly, and sadly, I’m still not allowed to get a massage, but I’ll remain optimistic!  Jerry had some time running around a park, and even more cuddling — he moved from me to Don and back several times! — so he’s been definitely hugged and petted all day!  Don is watching some sport or other, so I am able to get into mischief easily.

Every so often there are experiences that seem to be coordinated… I spend some time every day meditating on a couple of texts, which vary and are unrelated.  I was fretting this morning about plans that didn’t materialize, and some which are likely to be challenging to execute.  Today’s texts — both of them — spoke about the folly of living in the past or the future.  They stressed the value of being fully in the present to appreciate what you’re living through, rather than regretting or reminiscing about the past or dreaming about the future.  Before people start writing me notes about living an unexamined life, or making plans, that’s not what I meant (nor what I interpreted from the readings.)  I’m thinking of people who spend their time wishing for things that they don’t have or missed out on.  I mean, when I was stopped from working, I spent a while feeling sorry for myself and regretting not being at work.  It took some time with a therapist for me to come to terms with the very sudden change in my life circumstances but then I (mostly) accepted things and over time I found things to occupy myself when my energy allows.    I’ll admit that there are times when I feel useless, but those are the days when I’m mired in the past or regretting things that I won’t be able to accomplish.  When I can make (small) definite plans, so I have something to look forward to, or have just completed something, I feel pleased with myself, but the best days are when I am fully present enjoying time either with loved ones or by myself.  

There’s an old Chinese story in which a woman was given a choice to either live perpetually in the best day of her past or to live each day as it happened.  She chose to live in the “perfect day” and for the rest of her life, she went through that day over and over.  Her family, though, were at first confused because she was out of step with what was happening around her, then they realized what happened and her children left as soon as they could, while her husband died of a broken heart.  That, incidentally, popped up today again — I’d read it years ago — and it drove home what happens when we live too much “out of step” wit the present.  I mention this because somehow these parables / readings appeared in my meditation practice, so it serves as a reminder that being here now is the best thing to do!

OK, I’m all done preaching 😊  I’ll leave that there and let you enjoy your time.  Here’s hoping that all is good with you and that your weekend will be lovely.  Good night!