arguendo

I went for a walk today, this time with a friend who flat-out insisted that I slow down my  pace, that I sit to rest while he ran a quick errand, and we ate a relaxed snack. I was much less tired than my earlier walk, we took a slower stroll back home, and I have been resting since.. A much better time! (of course, having company definitely improved things)  I will remember to be careful in future. It's a pity, but I still can't eat much. My lovely chicken & avocado burger is in the fridge, minus I bite... I'm hoping that things improve soon

Later, I had a lovely video chat with my sister and her family. My 2-year-old niece actually said, "Hi!" to me 3 times! That's a big deal, because she normally ignores me. On the other hand, my nephew, who normally has multi-megawatt smiles for me, just chewed on his bib and ignored me. It's all fine! I'm still eager to plan a visit to them, but I still have a way to go to get back my strength. I'll take my time to recover. I'm also eager to return to travel, and be able to visit my family. I hope soon!

I realized again today that I'm struggling with bouts of depression. Part of me struggles with having to admit that, because I am uncomfortable with admitting that. I had a short chat with my brother who actually asked me if I was struggling. At once I admitted that, and I felt a sense of relief that I didn't need to pretend. It's not easy, as everyone knows. I have tools to help me cope, even if I'm not keen to use them. I prefer to find ways to be seen as the strong one; the one who copes, the one who's in charge. Even knowing that I have reasons for feeling the way I do, that I have a supportive team and that I have tools to help. I have moments of flat out panic, and times when I feel such complete despair that waking up and getting going is an insurmountable obstacle. Then I can get to a point where I can make sense of things and it's manageable. I also know that I need to alter my thought processes when I feel these feelings crowding in on me. It will improve, I know, and I will make use of my tools to get better.

Don't worry; I will get out of this slump. It's challenging now for several reasons. I am expecting to hear that I'll need to start chemotherapy soon, and I'm not looking forward to that conversation. My oncologist is absolutely great at those talks, and he explains things well. I'm sure that it will be better after our chat, but it's still a challenging time. I'm going to hide behind my vanity briefly and I'll do my best to joke about it. But in the meantime, there are some difficult moments.

Anyway, I wish everyone a restful night. I hope that your dreams are lovely and you enjoy things. Take care!