Learning and understanding

My oxygen machine was collected today and returned to the company. It's encouraging, as my breathing is good again-the humidity is done, so it's easier for me. However, as with every other mental issue, I'm reminding myself that I do not need it. Isn't it odd how your brain can play tricks on you? I'd prefer if my brain got me to be tall, slim, and fully healthy! How do I persuade it to regrow the organs I removed? But as long as I wake up and don't need a lot of treatment, I'm good.   Jerry has been making nests on my lap all day and he makes  himself very comfortable- He's having fun with his newest toy, and is carrying it in his mouth, looking for someone to throw it around. Last night, he packed himself into my knees and wouldn't move. He was comfortable, but I was less so. I can't move if he's napping because I won't disturb him. I know that I'm being silly but it's fine. He's happy, so we're happy. I got a call this ...

Happy Hanukkah to all those who are celebrating. I hope that you're able to enjoy time with family and friends, even if through video calling. The IV made a difference Imo. I was able to eat a bit more, and I actually felt hungry. That's good! We have some minor issues, but I hope they will be quickly sorted. Jerry was on my lap for 2 hours today while I watched a movie. He had his legs stretched out and would pat my tummy from time to time... He rolled over at one point and slipped off my lap. He looked very disapproving as he climbed back up. Silly puppy! Don is continuing to improve slowly, which is good. He still won't see a doctor, but is hyper-vigilant about my appointments! He's trying to watch the CFL games, but Jerry keeps carrying his toy for them to play. Any guesses who will win? My dad was waiting for me to call because he was upset. One of his close friends died suddenly on Friday. He didn't have any details last night, except that Mr. Ali had already ...

At last, the IV is set up finally. It took 3 nurses and 5 stabs to get it in place. I also made some chicken and split pea soup today, which is pretty tasty. I finished the soup a few minutes before the nurse arrived, and I ate a bowlful. My tiny personal nurse complained again about having someone putting in the tubing, and is more irritated because I have the pack with the bag of hydration solution, and he's not allowed on my lap as a result. The sulks are really impressive He's glaring at me when he's not patting my leg for me to make room for him. Just now, both boys are curled up and napping on the sofa. I'm realizing that I'm aging. It's a positive thing-I can't live forever if I'm not aging! And I am also recognizing that the world is changing around me.  Many of the changes are good, and others require that I learn to adjust my thinking. It continues to surprise me just how pervasive and subtle some messages are! It requires a lot of mental alert...

Today was supposed to be the day when I got my IV hydration so I'd hopefully be able to recover my appetite, etc. Let me start with the good news for today. My fasting sugar was in the normal range for the first time in about 10 days. The Ensure Plus has given me a little appetite, and I ate a bit today. So those are all on the up side. The nurse arrived this afternoon and tried to find a vein. My veins are known to be either easy and cooperative or else they hide. Today they hid. The nurse tried 3 times, unsuccessfully, and had to call for another nurse to try and insert the tubing. The second muse arrived, used the last  needle, and postponed until tomorrow. Sigh. This is taking longer than I expected, but when it's done things will be better. At least I don't have to try to sleep with the pump, tubes and bag! Guess who was unhappy with the deliveries, nurses and phone calls and is guarding us while chewing on his new toy? He will also be happy not to  share his bed with ...

  Happy American Thanksgiving to everyone celebrating. I hope that you are able to enjoy time with family-either in person or for Thanks Zooming. 🙂 I wish you wonderful times and many hugs soon!   To my favourite pest-yes, I'm stealing your idea! I spent several hours at the hospital this morning for a doctor's appointment. The doctor was over an hour late getting to me, but she explained that there had been  an accident so that the Emergency room was taking up a lot of  resources, and since I was in the haematology unit... Anyway, the doctor said that I've been doing well, with no recurrent blood clots (despite some scares) and we're reducing my blood thinner meds. My nurse will be here tomorrow to "install" my IV, so I assume that I'll get a delivery of tubing, needles and so forth before he gets here. Jerry will be annoyed, because I'll have the pump and IV bag, so it limits his snuggling space! We've done that before without problems so I expe...

So - I'm having a less-than-fun day. My nurse was here and he checked my vitals, then immediately called my doctor to order an IV drip. My blood pressure and pulse were out of normal; too low and too high respectively, and my sugar was in the danger zone. I was also dehydrated, and he thought I needed more help.  He said that if he couldn't get the doctor to agree, his next call would have been 911 for admission to hospital. Luckily my doctor was available and responded immediately.  I'm disappointed that my doctor will retire next week, as it will be super challenging from now on. I'll let you know how it progresses.   Tomorrow I have to see my haematologist to ensure that my blood clotting remains normal. I think so, but I'm obviously not to be relied upon... The furry nurse  escaped from his room while the nurse was here and came  bounding out and leapt into his lap, turning off his hearing aid while we kept calling him. No harm done, thankfully. Don continue...

Bit of a downturn today. My back feels like something is torn above my scapula. It's dreadful. And before you ask-Doctor appointment in the morning at 8:30. It's very uncomfortable, as there's a burning feeling along my back, and a dull ache along my arm. Most annoying. Don is a bit better today, although his shoulder remains sore. He's still relaxing, and gets half-time from the furry nurse, who's getting good at hopping from one lap to another! Jerry complained loudly about my personal service worker's arrival this afternoon, especially when she was changing the sheets. When she left, he growled! then jumped on my lap. Spoiled puppy! Today's title refers to the need to stick with your own area of expertise... I thought  that it was apt! I saw one of my neighbours on the elevator today. I was going to the basement, and I was using my cane. She asked why, because I'd "rely too much on it and slow the  recovery." Why do people strain my politene...

Flu shot done! So that's taken care of for the year. I am very pleased that flu (and COVID) shots are freely and widely available, so getting them is not problematic! We both got our shots today so we're covered. Don had a fall after he got his shot, while I was inside getting mine, and hurt his shoulder. He's in pain, but refused (of course!) the paramedics. He's resting, and he has the "nurse" on his lap. Jerry definitely knows who needs his comforting presence and when. While Don was on his computer, Jerry was in position on my lap but since then I've been neglected. I was out twice in 4 days. Isn't that great? Christmas shopping (a bit) on Friday-great fun!-and today to the supermarket-less fun, but still good, less Don's incident. I'm almost  normal! I ate a samosa today, after a boiled egg for breakfast. I was  actually hungry this evening, can you imagine? I'm a little annoyed with my pharmacy, as they were supposed to deliver this p...

It's sad that recovery isn't a straight-line progression, instead of a fractal curve! I spent the day in bed, recovering from a poor night last night and lots of pain. On the plus side, no nausea today! My sugar is stubbornly sitting in the very low area, which is a bit scary. I see my endocrinologist this week, so I hope that it'll be sorted out soon The little dictator let me know that he's not happy with today. When I get up, he jumped into my lap and patted me on my tummy. He's such a loveable little nurse. Award shows and SNL remind me that I'm out of touch with current culture. I have no idea who the majority of performers (neither actors nor singers) are. It would be sad but I'm really not interested. I  realized it with the Jeopardy guest hosts earlier this year, too. I knew some of them, but had no idea of at least half. Thinking back, I realized that I've never been particularly concerned with celebrities, making me even more of a nerd than I w...

I had a rather poor night last night. For some reason, I had a dreadful attack of diarrhoea which kept me up late. Then I slept for an hour, waking to find that my blood sugar was abysmal. When I finally went to bed then, it took a long while to fall asleep and I kept on waking. This afternoon-just after lunch-I bent over to pick up something I'd dropped and there was a horrific flare of pain  along my left side. I've been resting quietly, cuddling a small, black dog, hoping for my meds to take effect. The pain is a bit less, but still present, so I'll keep resting. The tiny  overlord agrees, and is curled on my feet planning some evil deeds... Much to my annoyance, since my radiation, my hair has been falling out. I am NOT happy with that! At least my hair is short enough that I can wear my wig if needed. It's unfortunate to have all of these less-than-positive bits of news today. after I'd had such fun yesterday. I rather like it when stores aren't in full-blo...

I'm very tired tonight, but for a good reason. I went early Christmas shopping with a dear friend. It was fun, but exhausting for me. I don't think that I did a lot, but my body obviously disagreed! But at least I got a couple of gifts for my baby niece and nephew. I also got some items for the tiny dictator... The bags have been put out of reach of his very efficient and inquisitive nose, so there's hope they'll survive until the Day. I have 3/4 of my lunch in the fridge as I could not eat it all. No surprise there! "Wheel of Time" launched today on Amazon Prime streaming. I was torn when I heard about it, because I bonded with that series from the early 1990's until the final book in 2013 (the series was completed by another author, as the original died midway through.) Every film adaptation stresses me, as they all fall short of the written work. "Dune" is another great disappointment; "Ender's Game," "I, Robot." "...

I had a small attack of vomiting today, which lasted quite a while, and I was a bit shaky for the day. You know that my furry nurse was on high alert! He kept me company until my personal service worker arrived to help me, then he complained bitterly for a while. I'm resting and trying to eat a bit in hopes that my sugar levels will be better tomorrow.. Dear Mad Men (yes, it's a dated reference, but a really good show!) you do realize, don't you, that you don't have Don Draper working for you, right? How about you step  back and take a moment? Because you're repetitive, noisy and any new approach someone develops, suddenly becomes the rubber stamp for all other ads in that category? Or in every category? For instance, the gimmick where 10 people each repeat the same line or parts thereof? You know, where a group of 8 people who all read "I am going to read a line." "I," "I am,"  "I" and so on. Most boring and very annoying typ...

My nurse was here today and noted that my BP persists in being low. He's a bit concerned about that, and my continued  low blood sugar readings. He got on the phone to my doctor and pharmacy to get my meds sorted out. (We giggled a bit at the reaction to him saying, "I'm the home care nurse for Ms. Crosby,".  There was a marked increase in the response quality!) Hopefully my meds will arrive tomorrow. There was apparently a missing form that my doctor had to complete and didn't submit, and I think that the nurse's call helped speed up the resolution. As you can guess, Jerry wasn't happy with the longer visit and the phone calls, and hopped onto my lap as soon as he was let out of the bedroom. He hugged me and snuggled up very protectively. He's trying to mooch, as usual, unsuccessfully. Last night he decided to sleep on my tummy- not comfortable for me, but he was happy, and apparently that's the important part! I'm going to be a bit of a bore ...

Day 2 of the grave application programme finished about an hour early. It was another tiring but interesting day. We actually reduced the number of applications to 20, and dropped one more during the day. I got a complimentary D M from one of the organizers for a comment that I made- we'll discuss in a bit. Jerry was very excited when I came out after the call ended, and he was wriggling and almost tied in knots from excitement. He's curled up next to Don, with his new chew toy under his paw. He's been carrying it around since last night, perfectly happily, and bringing it to be thrown so he can run after it. He ran himself tired, so he's napping quietly. He will recharge, and I'll have a hyperactive puppy later... So the first application of the day spoke about using 3D printed organs. I'm completely awed at the technology and ideas being proposed. I'm certain that there aren't the latest, most cutting-edge ideas, which is even more awe inspiring. The s...

. I have an annoyed little dictator sitting uncomfortably (for me) on my feet, because I need my lap to write. I took part in a panel  discussion hosted by the Canadian Cancer Society to review grant applications from researchers. I volunteered to participate as a Patient/Survivor/Caregiver reviewer on the panel. It's a group of ~ 40 people, mostly scientists and  researchers, and we each had to view 5- 6 applications (3 scientists and a PSC.) We're spending 2 days to go through 55 total, and it's fascinating. I, sadly, don't understand the details of the science, but I'm learning loads. I learnt, for example, that marijuana contributes to breast cancer in men, and it's almost impossible to replicate male breast cancer in mice. Of course, the first lesson was the rate of that cancer in men! Anyway, I spent the day on a Zoom call, so no puppy! Hence tonight's sulks. There are 275 applications that made it past the first screening, and maybe 40 will be funded ...

Today's Jerry Chronicles cover his total domination of my lap. I had my weekly visit from my lay minister this morning, and that's the only time that I didn't have my lap occupied by Jerry-and right now, as he's moved over to interrupt Don's  watching of sports. He makes himself  very comfortable, sprawling across laps, and snoring! His ears go up if he hears bread being sliced, and he'll stand guard at the fridge, just to remind me that he's there. When I don't feel well, he comes into the bathroom with me, and runs off to get Don if I start to vomit. Such a good little nurse! I know that I talk about him a lot, but he's such a loveable companion! His 6th birthday is tomorrow-I'm amazed at how much time has flown since Dan brought home the spunky, fist- sized puppy in the middle of an ice storm! That's all for now. I'm tired still, and I'm annoyed with myself for it. It's not my fault, I know. I need rest, and my body is still re...

I'm happy to report that I slept well last night and there are no side-effects from the vaccine. My appetite is a little better-I had some oatmeal, and a piece of roti and a spoonful of curry to eat as breakfast and lunch respectively.   Dinner was tea and toast-overall, more than I've had for a while. I'm taking the anti-emetics regularly, not just waiting for the nausea to hit. The tiny dictator, as usual, was parked on my lap as much as possible. He'd prefer that I didn't evict him so I could eat, especially since he can't mooch. He was so funny earlier-he'd finished the food in his bowl, and decided that we weren't attentive enough. So he picked up his bowl and carried it to Don, dropping it on his lap and scratching at him as if to say that he was a neglected, starving puppy who needed attention! we were laughing too hard to respond quickly enough, so he jumped onto  Don and got in his face.   He's scratching at me to be patted, and isn't pl...

Today I got my covid booster shot. The policy is for cancer patients whose second shot is 6 months ago is eligible. So I had gone to get a flu shot last week but they had  finished for the day and the pharmacist recommended getting the booster, so we booked an appointment. I still have to get my flu shot, as they were  concerned that if I got a reaction they couldn't determine the cause. My arm was sore for about a minute- just long enough to register-and that was it. Jerry was attached to me for most of the day, and when I got back from my job, he hasn't left me alone. He jumped on my lap when I was on the phone with my family. and was obviously  guarding me. It's silly, but it's real. I'm struggling. Amazon Prime will be releasing a new series on November 19 based on a series of books that I really like. It was supposed to be a trilogy, then a 5- part series and ended up with 14 books and a "bestiary" that illustrates all the creatures created in the sto...

Today did not begin favourably. I was bringing up bile when I woke up, and it took until about noon before my stomach settled enough for me to even look at a cup of tea. Happily, it's stayed settled since then. Because I stayed in bed with the door closed, Jerry was almost doubled up with excitement when I finally got up. I had to carry him for a while to help him calm down, and since then he's only left my lap to eat or drink. He's on the sofa as I write, . with an eye fixed on me and the other on Don, who's watching hockey. From past experience, if his team scores, Jerry will climb on his lap and distract him from the game. He seems to know which team Don is supporting and wants the attention back on him. So funny! It's Remembrance Day today. Every year I watch the ceremony- some years I've walked to the Cenotaph to take part in person, but the views are better on TV. I'm fortunate enough to watch the fly past from my balcony, and, if the wind is right, to...

Hmm... Today I had difficulty waking up and staying awake. That's hard. My nurse arrived at 10, but I struggled to wake up by 9:15... the rest of the day I had problems with nausea and staying alert. Sigh. Jerry had no problem with being awake to jump on my lap and leaping around on me. He, and his tiny tail, were getting into mischief all afternoon! I'm thinking that having multiple birthdays might be a little over the top. I celebrate my birthday-June 26- for about a month. I also celebrate July 13 for a week (yes, there's overlap) because I was  in a medically induced coma for a week after my mega surgery. Of course, November 9, so that  makes 3. I'll probably add May 24 - the day of my most recent surgery. I don't count minor ones, like Dec 23, when we removed the blood clot.   So that's 4 "birthdays" 3 of which relate to surgeries tied to cancer. I'd prefer fewer cancer related incidents, frankly. I know that on balance, things are good. But i...

I had a late start today. I woke up very late, and it was a bit rough. My sleep was interrupted, but it was one of those mornings. I was a bit sluggish, to say the least. It's one of these mornings! I had several waves of nausea, and had to take a couple of my anti-emetics. Not fun. I had Jerry napping on me for a lot of the afternoon-he just makes himself very comfy and kicks me with his little jackrabbit kicks. He's right now "attacking" Don, playing tug o' war with him! He's pretend growling and nibbling on his  sleeve. Being a very silly little dog. He already tried (and failed) to mooch any of my dinner bao, so he transferred his attention to Don to persuade him to share his meal. Today marks 9 years since my first surgery. It's 9 years of living without my left kidney-and a 30-lb tumour. I'm glad that's gone, although I'd prefer to have kept my kidney.  obviously. I remember so many  details of that day, it's almost unreal. I can reca...

Oof! I needed to lie down for a minute while my back was having spasms-and wound up asleep for 4 hours ! Apparently I was really tired! And I'm cracking my jaws now, so it's likely that I'll sleep easily tonight. Jerry was giving me his schnauzer eyes a moment ago trying to mooch part of my  scrambled egg. He was very disappointed that he didn't get any, although he was hoping for leftovers. My doctor has given me a prescription for "Ensure" so I'd have my nutrients, even if my appetite remains small. I expect the delivery tomorrow, so that should help. I think that it's past time to end daylight savings time. It really serves no useful purpose any longer. I mean, a hundred years ago, it might have had a raison d‘erred, but now..-not at all. Taking advantage of extra daylight hours is less of an incentive than it was, now that we effectively run in a 24/7 environment. The accidents that occur with the time change are practically a reason in themselves....

Yesterday, and the day before, and today, I've been dealing with lots of pain. It hasn't been quite that bad in a while, but from the location it's most likely to be tumour-death pain. I'm still monitored by radiation oncology, so they'll get a call. tomorrow. My appetite is still not present but I'm eating small amounts, I'd like to be able to eat a Patraj or Ali or Hosein's roti:  curry chicken, alloo, pumpkin, bhaji and paratha. Even at my best, I could never manage to eat a whole one, but I am craving that now! Talk about your eyes being larger than your  stomach- mine are in fantasy land! Jerry has been surgically attached to me, and climbs (or jumps) on me whenever he has a chance. I can't evict him, so I'm adjusting to bring a dog bed! He's on Don now, so I have a few minutes to scribble! My aunt always commented that if I wasn't reading, I was seriously ill and it would be a reason to worry. I realized this weekend that that's...

Ironically, tonight I'm in horrible pain. After getting a metaphorical pat on the back yesterday for improved pain management. It's bad enough that I can't tolerate Jerry on my lap nor can I sit up for long. Super frustrating! Until tomorrow. Good night.

I saw the pain management specialist today. He's generally pleased with  my progress, as the pain is gradually improving. He's less happy with my appetite (I've lost 15 lbs in 2 weeks-not a recommended approach!) nor with the level of my tiredness. He reminded me that I've been through a very difficult time in the past 6 months what with  surgery, a fractured vertebra, a torn tendon and then a high dose of radiation. It's a lot for a person to handle... It's a bit challenging, to say the least. Jerry  is again being attentive, and mostly curled up on my lap. When we got home from the hospital, he  crawled into my lap and petted me on my tummy (like I pet him) and snuggled in. He's so affectionate when he's ready. My appetite persists in being annoying. we'll see how it can be managed. I'm eligible, or will be, for the COVID booster. I'm questioning the ethics of 3rd shots when there are countries that are still waiting for their first! The  s...

  My life is a dog bed. He's attached to my lap so I have no freedom! The dog just jumps on my lap, assumes a position, and that covers my plans! My appetite is still pathetic, but I'm grazing a bit, so that's an improvement. My friends, God bless them, asked me if there's a meal that I'm craving, but unfortunately not. The nurse was here today, and I was showing a slight temperature and very low blood pressure_No idea why. Annoyingly, the sensor for blood oxygen level refuses to work on me-it works even on the nurse's gloved finger, but won't read mine; that's been going on for almost a month now. Strange! I'd like to thank all of the people who reach out and check on me. I appreciate it. You're such wonderful supports and your messages and calls are both comforting and inspirational. It's great to know that I'm not forgotten. Good night all. My energy is up and down, and I'm heading to sleep soon.`

The Jerry Chronicles today cover that the tiny monster jumped on my lap as soon as I sat down and wriggled himself into a comfortable (to him!) position from which he refused to shift. I got up to do something, and as soon as I sat down again, he leapt back up. He also sat on the remote so I couldn't fast forward or change channels. Did I mention that he can be a tiny pest? Because he can It's All Souls Day, or Dia de los Muertos today. It's a day to  remember those who "have gone before us, marked with the sign of faith." Growing up, this was a bigger deal than Halloween. We would go to the graveyard, light candles and pray for the souls of the dead. It was a fun outing, where the whole family gathered, and we met relatives we rarely saw otherwise. Family legend says that at least one couple met over a grave on an All Souls Day. They used to say that they met and would part over a grave. The kids would run around on the graves, playing a bit, and would be excited...

Days of not feeling normal are not fun. I'd like to be able to feel energetic, but it doesn't seem like an option. Jerry spent as much of the day on my lap  as he could manage. He's very affectionate and loving I am so fond of him, tiny monster that he is! I'm trying to find distractions that don't require much focus for a few days. I'd like to be able to find something that keeps me from letting my mind dwell on things that happened 9 years ago. It can sometimes help to have a TV show that occupies my mind; reading doesn't help, though, unfortunately. Don't misunderstand. I'm very thankful to be alive and to be able to look back, but I'd like to be free of the cold fingers that seem to clutch at my heart. Part of me would like to sit and absorb the chill so I can feel "normal." In some way, being able to maintain a facade is necessary. Good night!  I’m falling asleep on myself again 😩