Later

These flowers look like fireworks, don’t they?  So pretty!  I just had to share them.  I feel a bit more upbeat and positive this afternoon than I did even this morning — an undoubtedly good thing, to be sure, but I would like to know the cause so I can replicate it on demand!  Jerry disapproved very soundly of me reading my (very thick) book today, pushing himself onto my lap and rabbit-kicking the book away.  He has burrowed into a blanket and has settled in on the sofa, watching me with little teddy-bear-button eyes to ensure that I’m not eating anything or planning to leave or even to get up out of my seat.  Don is glued to a hockey/baseball/something else with a team chasing a thing game, and it feels like rain is imminent.  (The weather channel suggests rain from 9pm, but it feels closer.). My support worker was here today, and we cooked, so I have lunch for a few days.  My lovely, kind, former-neighbour-who-moved-across-country-on-retirement friend shipped me the spice mix and everything I needed to make a nonya curry (including the shallot!!!) so we made it today.  It’s so good, tasty and comforting, and I had a bowlful with some rice.  Unfortunately for him, Don doesn’t like curry, so more for me (maniacal laugh!). I’ve popped half into the freezer for next week, and the rest into the fridge for this.  

I met with my oncologist this morning.  I’d spoken with his resident a couple of weeks ago, to discuss my next steps for treatment, and we’d agreed to this follow up session to be able to make decisions.  The thing is, when I spoke with the resident, I couldn’t make much sense of what he was proposing.  I knew that we were talking about treatment options, but he started off telling me all the risks and side effects, so all I heard was that trumpet sound from Peanuts cartoons when an adult “speaks.”  Then he sent me the drug info sheets on the proposed medications, so I could choose which one I wanted.  All I saw was risks and side effects.  So I became very anxious and couldn’t focus.  So this morning when I arrived, and the nurse checked me in (incidentally, I’ve lost another 3kg in 2 weeks — at one point, I would have thrown a party for reaching my current weight, but not now!) I said to the nurse that I only wanted to see my oncologist, not the resident.  Thankfully he came, and I apologized for throwing off their schedule, but I needed my anxiety to be managed.  It took him under 1 minute to clarify my concerns, and a total of 5 for us to go through the issues and make a series of decisions.  (We talked about other things, too.)  I cannot stress enough the value of a good patient manner!!  Yes, I need to know the details, the risks, potential side effects, but I also need to be reassured that you see me, the patient; the woman going through this, who is human, who doesn’t know all the tiny details, and who is scared even if she’s sitting looking composed and calm.  That sums up the biggest benefit of my oncologist.  Even when he was being paged during my appointment, he didn’t make me feel rushed or like I was an impediment.  He did exit quickly — pages are urgent, after all — but he took time to reassure me that he heard my concerns and was aware that I have fears.   That being said, we have a plan, and we will be working on what’s next for treatment.  That may partly account for my mood, but it’s not the whole of it.

My sugars are still high, but have edged downwards very slightly… I hope that they continue to behave for the next few days while I taper off the rest of the steroids.  My pain remains stubbornly in place, and my doctors have given me permission to increase my meds as needed (within certain bounds) to deal with it.  It will get better, I know.  And after a bowl of curry, I can say that my appetite is in an acceptable level.    I will be heading in to sleep early — I was up so early today that I’m surprised that I’m not dragging at the moment!  But I’m going to try to get some sleep before my tiny boss comes to rearrange my blankets and legs into an awkward twist.  Good night!