La Reine

The little dog is again tired out after his outings today, and Don is feeling more like himself, so I am a relieved and happy woman.  A lot of my energy comes from them both being in good health and spirits, so that’s a huge thing for me.  I took the little monster for a shorter walk today as I was feeling unsteady, but he seems to be fine with it (but he was installed on my lap as much as possible). I’ve realized that I need to manage my energy, even though I might feel healthy and energetic, but if I push too hard it will catch up with me a few days later and that’s not good.  I’ve also realized that when I’m due to see my pain management specialist my pain will spike, so I think that it’s probably a case of white coat syndrome.  I’d like to swagger in to my appointment and say, “Ha!  No pain!  Watch me dance!” Instead, I’d be pain free for days, and the day before my appointment I’ll be doubled over in agony.  My next date is Tuesday, so I hope that my pain stays controlled!  I also want my boys to stay in good shape, because that will help keep things going smoothly.

As everyone knows, the only news today is the death of Queen Elizabeth II.  I’m saddened by the passing of Her Majesty, in the sense that she’s shaped history for most of the twentieth century.  I didn’t know her personally; the closest I’ve ever been to her was a tiny face in a crowd when she visited Trinidad in the 1980s.  That being said, I have sympathy for her family as they would have known and loved her, and it’s always difficult to lose a family member.   May she Rest In Peace.  

I find that my crabby self (well, I am a ♋️) pops up more frequently these days… My sense of humour usually emerges to save me from the worst of things, but I’m finding that it’s more challenging these days to find the amusing side of things.  It’s probably stress that’s creeping out past my assorted barricades of “normalcy.”  I know that I have several things that are a source of worry and concern and nobody would fault me for having a day of falling apart, but at the same time I feel like I’m expected to maintain a certain calm facade.  I feel like I’ve created a persona that takes over, where I’m competent, capable and cheerful.  The thing is, that while I’m those things, there are other, less-positive issues that rattle around and emerge into my weak areas when I least expect them.  I’m certain that everyone has moments of self-doubt and they will occasionally yield to them.  For myself, if I give in to those moments, I’m afraid that I won’t be able to find my way out.  I’ve worked with a therapist to be better able to cope, but at the back of my mind is the darkness that threatens to swallow everything.  This is partly why I overload myself with activities, because if I’m busy, then there’s no room for the dark.  Part of me would like to believe that I’m still immortal and invincible.  But instead, I’m more likely to be invisible and inconsequential.  I do like to have control, but I’ve had to learn that I cannot control everything.  Sometimes those uncontrollable things lead to increased stress and anxiety and then I’m more likely to be irritable and touchy.  Many times  I talk myself into calm, and I can get comfortable.  But things aren’t settled and truly calm, and I know that because there will be a small happening that suddenly makes me feel on edge.  Like today, when for no apparent reason, I started feeling the edginess creep in, and it ballooned.  The ballooning had a definite cause, and I’m working to not react to it because it will recur. 

If I ever find a way to be at peace with the inner dark, I’ll be sure to share.  I can’t be the only person who wrestles with demons, nor am I the only one who tries not to let them consume my every waking moment.   It would be good to know that there’s a way to coexist with the Shadow, instead of always battling or hiding or all the tiring things I do in facing my demons.  This is why mythology is so important; it’s full of demons and monsters being conquered — almost never destroyed, though, because they do have their own role to fulfil.  Our ancient ancestors recognized that the forces of good and evil are in perpetual tension, maintaining the balance necessary to keep the universe alive.  So I know that life isn’t all sunshine and sparkles, there’s rain to create rainbows, and the dark that lets the stars shine out.  I won’t complain about  the shadows, nor will I let them consume me, but I do need to keep the light in view always.

Good night, and flights of angels sing thee to thy rest!  I’ve got a small, furry guardian who is reminding me that it’s past his bedtime and he needs to go rearrange my pillows!