Rainy days

There’s a major rainfall event forecast for the next couple of days.  I did manage to take Jerry out in a break between showers, where he had a lovely time barking at everything.  For a small dog, he’s really very loud!  Someone said that because he’s small, he wants people to know that he’s there… he’s not easy to miss when he’s letting you know that he’s around!! Don was up and about a bit today; I’m reminding him that he needs to pace himself and not overdo things but he just snickers at me.  Something about me not following my own advice 😂 

My appointment went well this morning.  He says that the pain in my leg is basically because I’ve been starting to walk independently more, and so my muscles are learning to work again after not being engaged much for a couple of years.  He says that it will improve with time and more movement.  I still need to monitor myself, but it’s encouraging.  I was able to report that I slept without needing medication last night, and I managed about 5 hours, so that was good.  I did fall asleep in my chair this afternoon, though, and I definitely feel the need to rest early tonight.

I got weighed today as part of my visit, and I’m pleased to report that my weight remains stable.  I’ve neither gained nor lost any — well, I’d lost quite a bit in hospital and just after my release in June, but I regained that so I’m back to my pre-chemo weight.  Thing is, all of my life I’ve struggled with my weight.  I’ve always been chubby, plump and fat (depending on how charitable one wants to be.)  As long as I can remember, I’ve been on assorted diets, always being looked at disdainfully when I ate, always being told that I needed to lose weight.  I’ve always been measuring my portions, making substitutes for “fattening” ingredients, worked out at the gym… all the things to lose weight, and for years it just kept creeping up on me.  I even was denied a job because the HR manager said that I would cost them in insurance rates.  I was teased in school, and in fact, there’s an entry in my high school autograph book where someone wished that I’d never know what it was like to be “slim, sexy and weightless” (double underlined and capitalized.)  When I accepted that I would never have a boyfriend, with the fatalism of a 16-year-old, I just went about making friends — and then suddenly I was in a relationship.  You all know the result, and thankfully I didn’t become a nun to run away from life!  Anyway, when I first got sick the only real symptom I had was sudden, unexplained weight loss, which I attributed to taking long walks with the Stewie-pup.  My weight bounced up and down since, but I’m over 50kg below my peak weight.   I saw some photos of me when I was at my lowest weight, and I didn’t recognize myself.  I’m not there anymore, but I’m at what the old charts used to call my “ideal” weight. Because of my hernia and my illness, I’ll never have a “perfect” figure, and I can’t wear “form fitting” dresses.   However, after so many years of dieting, my body image is still of the large figure that I used to be.  I’m continually surprised when I try on smaller clothes and they fit; I look at myself in the mirror and hate how I look and then I remind myself that whatever I look like, I’m able to enjoy life, a privilege denied to many.  I’m working on trying not to be so vain; I’ve never been the belle of the ball, so it’s not too hard, but I really need to find a way to be at peace with my appearance.

In my outing recently, I met someone who was visiting his son in Ottawa and was puppy sitting.  As we were talking, I said something about construction that took place before the pandemic, and he said that it was so funny that we measure time based on before or after the start of Covid.  I thought about it for a bit, and realized that there are several moments that define our lives.  The pandemic is a clear, global one, because it was so disruptive.  Before that, we used September 11, notably in relation to air travel.  Can you remember not having to put liquids into tiny containers and pull them out before getting checked at security?  Or not having to remove shoes?  I have a number of grumbles about the security practices and the additional costs, but I’ll leave them except to say that I’m not persuaded that these things actually make it safer to fly!  On a personal level, we have a number of those seminal events too — before and after the baby/ the new job/ the wedding, etc.  I rather like it when the event is a positive one, because then life just seems to acquire an extra glow.  

Whether or not it’s a positive change, we have a few (minor) grumbles about things like losing sleep, or working longer hours or something vaguely stressful.  A negative change, like hearing “you have cancer” is even harder, and I still feel the hollow pain from when I first heard those words, and again every time I heard that it had come back.  It’s a pretty constant feeling, worsening when I have a scan.  I continue to try to keep my focus on the positives, and think about the good things; but you know that there are times when it’s harder than others.  Funny enough, having a positive doctor’s visit can increase my anxiety a little, because I seem to defer my nerves to the next one.  I’ll have to work on that, and remain grounded in the present.  No point borrowing trouble; each day has its own issues that are sufficient.

I’d like to know who taught this dog to tell time?  He’s butting me to let me know that it’s past time for me to go to bed!!  So I’m off.  Good night!