Learning and understanding

 ... Today is the 30th birthday of my eldest godson. I'm in shock that he's grown up so completely! I seems not that long ago he was a tiny boy asking loads of questions about everything! I'm honoured, as I've said before, by them. It's so amazing to me that they make time for me, and they are always willing to spend time with me. It's not surprising that many of my fondest memories are of when they were young. His willingness to open up to me has always inspired me. I had to laugh a bit when I think back over the years. As he's grown up, he has, of course, become less inclined to share all of the details of his daily life, but I'm still (mostly) informed of developments as they happen. oh, how I miss them! I'd like it if we were in the same country, but video calls help a lot. .. I've been thinking about them today. Normally, I'd be in Trinidad now, slowly thawing out from winter. It's my third year now, that I haven't been home beca...

  Another pain-filled day. It's annoying. I had planned to do a few things. but my energy didn't allow it, so I took a rest instead. That was not easy, as the truckers have been blowing horns since yesterday afternoon. It got louder and much worse as the day progressed. Jerry is unsettled by the noise and has been trying to find an escape from it. Don was watching the traffic jam on the news until I got too annoyed at the monumental stupidity on display by the people being interviewed. We've been inundated by horns and noise all day! I'm distressed. These idiots are disrupting my day and my serenity. My distress is because I'm angry. I shouldn't allow them to  interfere with my serenity. But the noise... As I said before, mixed in with the misguided idiots who object to being asked to do their part to control the spread of the plague, are other troglodytes who add all sorts of hateful causes. I'd love it if they really were exposed to tyranny and dictatorshi...

  Another day of pain that interfered with my life. Very annoying. I'd like to find a way to eliminate it or at least reduce it to a dull roar. In fairness, I can eliminate the pain, but at the cost of being zoned out. The happy medium of low-to-no-pain and being alert is the goal! I was being cuddled all day by a small black dog who thought that I needed close supervision. I must admit that he was super adorable with his behavior. He left me not long ago to relocate to the sofa (and Don's throw!) I'm heading to bed early to try and overcome the pain. There is a protest happening  today against vaccine mandates. For the last few days police have been warning people to avoid downtown as the idiots were planning to block roads. I've been hearing horns blowing since this afternoon as the lead morons began to arrive. They are  expected to interfere with traffic all weekend. They claim, ironically, that a vaccine mandate infringes on their freedom (to infect their communitie...

  Did I mention that I'm fed up of being sick? I am, really! I slept for 14 hours last night, and I'm ready to go back to sleep already! It doesn't help that my back feels like I've been hung on a rack and there are all sorts of  stabbing pains. Growl. But- to prove that clouds have a silver lining, I've got a bit of uplifting news! My physiotherapist was here to do a reassessment of my condition after about 4 months. She's the same one I had last summer, so we were both pleased with that. She said that I've improved markedly in the interim. The last time she saw me, I'd just been diagnosed with a fractured  vertebra, so she was a little worried that I'd been set back. But I've improved my balance, strength and stability. I felt wonderful, hearing that news, as you can imagine. I'm going to find some celebratory cake, I think! Jerry has been glued to my lap, snuggling up for hugs. He's been extra-affectionate as it's been dreadfully c...

  I had a very early appointment at the hospital for a bone density scan. The tech was very pleasant and explained the procedure in detail and was obviously trying to put me at ease. Not that I needed it-I've done enough tests that my approach is to just get them done. He said that my doctors will get the report in about 10 days, and I'll get a copy at the same time. They took my height and weight, and I've lost in both areas. After the back surgery, I'm now 5" shorter than before. I also lost another 15 lbs in just over a month. In either case, I'm not thrilled. At least  Jerry doesn't care how short I've become. He curled up on my lap and took a nap today when we returned from the hospital. (He spent the whole ride sitting up on my lap.) He eventually moved when Dan came to sit on the sofa, and is now sitting on Don's (sore) shoulder staring at me. I'm fed up with appointments and tests. I'd like to be done with them and I'd prefer a m...

  Last night I was flat out exhausted, and I was falling asleep in my chair. I woke up this morning feeling like I'd been used as a punching bag! The pain is better now, but it's still there and I'd like it to please stop! My nurse was here today- in positive news, my vitals are all in the normal range. We  noticed that I've apparently got areas on my back where I have no feeling. That's concerning, and we will monitor.. Hopefully it's something temporary. After he left, my lap became a dog bed. Jerry didn't move for over an hour... good thing I didn't have specific plans. Don reports pain in his arm-he'd fallen a couple of months ago, and it hasn't improved. I'd like him to go to the doctor, but... anyway, I hope things improve. I'm still looking for a family doctor for us, and I'll keep on with that. I've mentioned that I've been talking with my niece about university. She's still over a year away from that, but we'r...

  Doing OK today. My back feels a bit stiff, but the pain isn't too bad. I slept well, and got good rest. So yay! As far as my appetite goes, I'm still not able to eat much, but I'm able to have food other  than Ensure. I'm working on it, and I'm doing my best to increase my intake. Jerry would enjoy it if I shared more of my leftovers with him. It doesn't work, though. Don and I are trying to cope with the challenges of weakness and aging, doing things like being able to bend over to get water and food to Jerry. Sigh. This getting old and being sick is not for the faint of heart! Nor is it something enjoyable, but the alternative is inconceivable! I learned this morning that one of my aunts was hospitalized on Thursday after not being able to eat for several days. She's due to have a procedure to treat a condition that was discovered since she was hospitalized. I'll ask those of you who believe to pray for her full and speedy recovery, please. For the r...

  It's birthday season! Today there are at least 3 birthdays to be celebrated... The first is a friend of the family's. A God-loving, upright woman who has demonstrated kindness and caring in everything she does. Happy day, Ms. M!  The second is my dearest friend, who is celebrating along with his twin. He pretends not to want any fuss or notice taken of today, but I know what happens when I listen to him. Besides, today is a MILESTONE birthday-which is a VERY BIG DEAL! Happy birthday to you, Mr. P!  Third is my niece, who is now at the age where her birthday gift from her aunt and godmother is her learner's permit... Her mother is currently reacting to this step towards independence, and is  learning to adapt... Auntie is doing an excellent job pretending to be cool about it. Apparently I'm supposed to be the guide to adulthood-an intimidating concept, to say the least! I don't need much of an excuse to celebrate. I'm of the view that we should take the time to...

  I had a video call with my pain management doctor this morning. On the upside, he said that I looked well, so that was good. We did talk about my waves of nausea, and my spiking pains and issues with bending over will need evaluating. He thinks that my low blood pressure contributes to various difficulties. Worst of all, he made it clear that travelling to Trinidad is out of contemplation for a couple of reasons. Hopefully we can address my pain  challenges soon. I hope that Trinidad improves its situation soon, as that's one reason I'm not allowed to consider it. Most frustrating. Jerry has been super glued to me all day. The only time he wasn't underfoot was while I was on the video call and he was with Don in the other room. He's curled up on the sofa with his toy, watching everyone as he pretends to sleep. There's hockey on now, so I am being ignored... It's all fine! I've got a book and a crochet project and some games so I'll be occupied. I watch...

. I had another broken night last night, so I was sleepy during the day today. In fact, I dozed off in my chair and was sawing logs this afternoon. The pain was a little easier, until I bent down to pick up something. I'm  starting to believe that anything that falls on the ground will just stay there! I mean, the sharp stabbing pain when I bend down is bad  enough, but then add the waves of  nausea from bending... Really, I think that if it falls, it stays there!   Unless I can persuade Jerry to get whatever it is for me-but he'll play with it and probably take it into bed with him! Don had a restful day too; he also had a broken  night but he caught up during the day. The snow is still piled up on my balcony-and on the street - and is likely to be a mess. We went above freezing today, so a bit of melting happened, but it's going down near -20C tonight, so... Messy! My friend dropped by yesterday and left me a care package with some delicious items in it. I ate...

  Happy 3rd birthday to my little niece! I'm sorry that I'm not there in person to celebrate, but I'm very happy to have been on the video call for cake and presents. I wish you a long, happy and healthy life. full of love and excitement and  fun challenges that help you grow into a lovely, intelligent and  caring person. May you never experience hatred, cruelty or violence. That's your birthday wish from your godmother. I'm being betrayed by my body again.  I have been waking up feeling like I've been beaten, and I've actually had to take extra medication for pain management. I was trying to do a few things today, so I was on my feet for about 15 minutes  continuously and that's led to agony. I rather wish that my body would stop doing these awful  cancer-related things, and allow me to live a pain-free life. My personal support worker was here today and we tackled my linen closet, which is now a thing of beauty. Jerry was annoyed that somebody was in h...

  Last night I was suffering some  dreadful pain, and I went to bed fairly early, although the pain kept me awake for a few hours. I finally fell asleep and woke up rested but sore. I've opted to use today to rest instead of getting into some chores... those will wait. And if this pain persists, I'll begin calling around for help. When I awoke this morning, the view from my window was... white! It had started to snow last night, and it's continued today.   Deep snow, of the light blowing kind, which makes for poor  visibility. Another reason to be happy to stay in! Even my nurse agreed, and he'd called to cancel. He explained that he'd almost been trapped at a client. Since I am not considered critical (Thank God!) we agreed to delay my visit until Wednesday.   Don was relieved that he didn't need to wake up too early, while Jerry was sprawled on my lap, only moving for better petting. He's currently trying to beg ice cream from Don, without much success. I ...

  I woke up in more pain this morning than I've had for a few days. Most distressing. No idea of the cause, and I've been  resting as much as possible in hope of easing the pain. Not  really successful, unfortunately, nor have the meds been useful. My little lap cushion (small, black and furry) has been a special comfort to me, as he's just  snuggled up for hugs. I'm a weekend sports widow, as there are seemingly-unending games on beginning (it feels) early in the morning and going on and on... I have, though, decided to stream movies and shown to get past the games and to ignore the -30C weather. I've definitely become a wimp, as I can not be persuaded to go out in that cold! Anyone who wants to freeze can go  ahead-without me! I am asking this of the wrong group, I know, but I'm sure that your collective, awesome powers can help me understand this issue. Why do people think that it's appropriate to send threats to those with whom they disagree? You know wh...

  Happy Orthodox New Year! May it be full of health, happiness and success. I was reminded of this date today while talking with my dear friend. She said that it was auspicious that I began my life in Canada on New Year's day. As you know, I need very few reasons to break into celebration, so I say-let's celebrate good times! Any objections? No, I didn't think so. I'll open a bottle of juice and drink to long life. heart, prosperity and many  good friends around us. In the last day, I got messages from my fellow immigrants reminiscing on their landing in their new home. It's a moment that is embedded in the psyche and it takes very little to have the stories pour out. I love that these are all happy stories, where we can look back and realize that we've changed- for the better, and we've changed for good. (Helga and Sylvie, you should recognize that song.) I'm glad to have the friends I do. They are good at uplifting my spirits when I'm feeling low a...

  Today marks my 23rd anniversary of moving to Canada. It's been a long, mostly fun, time. Part of me thinks that I've done a lot, and part of me thinks that I should have done more. It's like that for everything, isn't it? Part of you criticizes everything. Don and I were reminiscing about my life here, laughing at most of the memories. The last 10 years have been both the most challenging and some of the best. I'm very grateful for the many friends that I've made in this lifetime. Many  are work friends who made the transition to personal friends. Some I met on courses, or at dinner, or in random places. One of my closest friends I met while  shopping for clothes, and this year makes it 20 years that we've known each other. Another very close friend I met at work, and  we've been practically inseparable for over 20 years. It's wonderful to know that these people - and others - are an integral part of our lives. I honestly have only praise for my fr...

  Happy dance! Don got his Covid booster today. He's had no reaction to it, which is good, and we're happy that he's fully vaccinated. Jerry was annoyed, as he was left at home for the 40 minutes that it took for us to go to the pharmacy and get Don vaccinated. He complained about being left, and even more when we got home. We have now been forgiven, and he's exchanging laps every few minutes. My pain is somewhat better, in that I'm not in agony, but there are some movements that I can't make as there are shooting pains along my arms. My appetite continues to be erratic, but I can taste and smell my food! I just have no real urge to eat. I was surprised today. There was a news item looking back at  "The Big Ice Storm" of 1998. It's still fresh in the memory of people who had experienced it because of the damage it left behind. Some families lost power for weeks in the middle of winter. The reporter made a comment about, "the 24th anniversary o...

Hmm... after a few nights of solid sleep, last night I had a very broken night. I finally feel asleep around 5am for 4 hours, and had to get up because Jerry wanted to get going. <sigh> Surprisingly, I didn't fall asleep on myself until the early evening, when I realized that I was falling out of my chair! Nothing to worry about; I woke myself up and made a cup of tea. It will be an early night tonight-for all of us! The boys are both saving logs on the sofa, so we'll all benefit from retiring early. It is brutally cold today. It only made it to -18°C from an overnight low of -36°C. That was definite "stay at home and keep warm" weather. It's miserably cold, but it's a beautifully sunny day. It would've been lovely if it were a bit warmer. I admit that going outside in these temperatures does not appeal to me. Never has, and as I get older, the appeal falls even further! This is when I'm normally in the Caribbean with my family. It's the thir...

  The world is an unusual place! I've noticed before that there's a level of serendipity to some things. In some cases it's algorithm- based, where Amazon provides  suggestions for items you were considering. In my case, it is that sometimes I get a call from someone who I needed but hadn't contacted. Like today, when I got a call from a counsellor who provided some practical advice and some possible supports. I was  surprised and happy to get that call as I needed that. Among her tips was a website that's new to me, but is a definite resource. I hadn't reached out for the help yet, although I had planned to discuss it with my team. So it's definitely one example of how the universe is well-ordered. My nursing schedule, which was  increased to every other day during my isolation, will be returned to once a week after it ends later this  week. I had my first virtual visit today, which is a good sign! We'll resume in person when we go back to weekly visits...

I apologize for taking up so much of your time talking about my depression. I only realized that I'd done that when a few people messaged me about it. There's no need to worry, my friends. I'll be OK. It's a bit of a concern as I'm struggling with winter and all that means, as well as a bit of the tiresomeness of my ongoing disease. It's really not worse than before, and I'll be good. The winter miseries will pass, and it won't last. But I will discuss it with my awesome pit team and we'll find a solution! We agreed a while back that I've got a brilliant pit crew, like a Formula One prizewinning car, and they look after me very well. I also know that, no matter how awesome my team, it's useless unless I keep them up to date on me, so we will discuss this adjustment in my mood. Have no fear! The tiny pup seems to know when I'm down, and he settles in for an extra snuggle. Don picks up quickly on his mood, so they care for me. I'd love ...

  What an unusual day... I fell asleep in my chair for over an hour. Add in that my back is stabbing me, and it's draining my energy. I'm hopeful that I'd be able to rest freely. The pain in my back is severe, and I'm trying to find relief. Jerry is napping now-he had been carrying his dinner bowl in his mouth to advise that he was an abused, ignored dog who was forced to consume dog food! It's a tragedy of major proportions 😂 . After carrying it for a while, he dropped it and then curled in a ball and fell asleep. Don had a busy morning. doing some chores and is now having a relaxing time half-watching hockey. Everyone is resting up. My niece and I are having discussions on university choices. She's not clear on what she'd like to do, so we're starting with the "I definitely do NOT want to do..." lists. Some options were direct and easy, while others are, "I don't know what that means. "which is fair. We'll go through severa...

  Merry Christmas to my Orthodox friends. May it be a happy, holy day filled with joy and family. My back has been acting up again, and the pain is just... annoying. I'd like to have it go away, and be able to move freely. But it seems that I'll have to put up with it for a while. I have been trying some different pill combinations to see what could alleviate the pain. Unfortunately, nothing works for any length of time. I have found some relief from over-the-counter medications which let me skip my narcotics, so good. We are happy when I don't need to rely on the big guns. My sleep is still a bit erratic, but at least I'm getting a couple of hours continuously. Don has managed to injure his arm again, playing with Jerry. They are now both curled up on the sofa, relaxing. I'd prefer that he didn't have that pain-one of us with limited  movement in the family is enough! I'm in a little conundrum. I'd promised to crochet some items for the kids. I dug thro...

Happy Day of the Kings. It's the end of Christmas for another year-except that tomorrow begins the Orthodox Christmas season. Isn't celebrating fun? There are so many things to be happy about, and sharing the fun -just makes it better. Apparently, being in isolation while in palliative care means that my nurses come to visit every other day. They were here yesterday. and I got a call about an hour ago to tell me that the nurse would be here at early o'clock in the morning! The boys expressed their displeasure in their unique ways-Don by making a face and Jerry by jumping on my lap and growling at the phone..- we're all trying to keep apart, although it's a challenge. But we've managed to maintain a distance, and I haven't been able to get my back rubs.  I get lots of puppy snuggles though. I'm off to an early night. My energy is a bit low, and I'm struggling with some bouts of depression-. It's harder to address that when I'm tired, so rest b...

  Tonight is a short entry. I'm still tired and I've fallen asleep in my chair a few times today. Don was enjoying himself, taking pictures of me sleeping with my iPad in danger of falling from my fingers. He was trying to get Jerry to jump on my lap and wake me up, but Jerry wouldn't co-operate; instead, he was pouncing on Don and trying to get him to play. Jerry did, eventually, climb into my lap for a tummy rub, so life is back to normal. I had a visit from a nurse today to check on me. That was followed by another delivery of PPE- so I've got enough gloves for all the residents of my condo building! (I'll be  keeping the KN-95 masks for us, though!) The nurse checked my temperature (which was normal), updated my chart and left. He came over an hour later than he'd said, which added to my tiredness today. I was half-watching a clip on the news in which someone had apparently made an observation that the characters in a (popular, older, kids') movie appear...

I had several broken nights since my return from Toronto. I couldn't fall asleep, and when  I did, I couldn't stay asleep. So I went through the days in a daze, and I'd fall asleep in my chair..- The night before last I was so tired, I tried to sleep and nothing; last night I feel asleep early in my chair, then when I woke up I went to bed. I took the maximum dose of my sleep meds last night, and it seemed to help. Plus my sister provided a recording of my nephew's 2am "concert" as she said I clearly missed being awoken by a restless infant! Anyway, it should be better and I'll settle-down soon. Don complained that he was up most of the night, but in all fairness, he was napping during the afternoon, so he was catching up. And Jerry... is tiny, bossy and adorable. T hat tiredness is what interfered with my posting, but I'm otherwise ok. Yesterday morning, though, my day got a shock. I got a call from the agency to tell me that "someone who was in ...

  Happy New Year! The first day of a brand new year, with 365 possibilities for new, wonderful and exciting things. The year ahead beckons with a tantalizing set of prospects winking into the mists of the future. So exciting!  What lies before us in 2022? There are some things that I'm sure we all are thinking-like an end to the plague, or the ability to resume gathering. I'd love that; to meet up with my friends and family and celebrate many of the events that have been on hold for the last 2 years. Somewhat selfishly, I'd like to throw the retirement party that I had to postpone and really relish being retired. (I don't need a reason for a party, I just want an excuse to celebrate, noisily, some accomplishments!) I hope that this year will give me a break from cancer treatment. I'm sick of being sick, and it would be marvellous to not need chemo or radiation! It's not the most realistic hope, but what good is it to only hope for  realistic goals? While I'm...