Learning and understanding

The year 2021 is ending. It's been another full year, and I must confess that the thing that's best is that I and my family are healthy and safe. I'm thankful for that- it was a difficult year in many respects, personally. I took some time to reread my entries from my time in hospital early in summer. and I am beyond grateful to be here to look back. I treasure the days that I have- they all seem too short and too fleeting, but I'm happy and thankful for them. Even when I'm bored or frustrated because I can't do all the things that I'd like, I'm happy to be able to grumble about it! Those of you who have been reading this year know the challenges that I've faced. I'm admitting, again, that I'm extremely grateful for the support and love that I've received. It's something that's kept me going when I was wandering those dark places. I told Don that he kept me going when things got bad, and he replied, "Oh! That was my mistake!...

I'm sitting at the gate, waiting to board my flight back to Ottawa. As you know, I had a fun 2 weeks with the family. This morning. for the first time, I got hugs from both kids! So sweet! We played and read stories and bonded -I hope that the bonding stays. I've learned that I can't leave things lying around as I do at home.  Small, inquisitive fingers, sometimes sticky, will pick up and play with anything that's new or different. And cups of hot tea can become dangerous missiles in their hands (or feet, which are remarkably speedy in climbing up onto coffee tables!) I will miss being peeked at shyly around doors, with a whispered "Good morning, Auntie!" and deliciously wicked giggles. I can assure you that henceforth I will be singing, "Head, shoulders, me toes, me toes..." (that's the most memorable adaptation) My nephew now has several words, and can sing a couple of tunes. He claps along with "If you're happy and you know it......

My back is being difficult. I've got an itch in a spot that I can't reach- and where I have no real feeling-that refuses to go. My sister has been acting as my back-scratcher at times, which sort-of helps, but the itch persists. I also noticed that I have sharp flashes of pain along my left arm with the itching. Because it feels like it's under my skin and I can't get relief, I tried using the door frame as a scratching post- not very helpful. Given where the itch is concentrated, we're now thinking that it's a nerve pain. My doctors had mentioned that the muscles, tendons, bones and  nerves in my back could take up  to a year to fully heal, and it's been 7 months. Aggravating, but I'll live with it. Jerry is still sulking at me. When I call, he looks up for me, then turns his back and doesn't respond to my calling him. He just lies there, not responding. I'm amused that he doesn't move his ears, even! He, instead, jumps on Don and starts, pl...

Merry Christmas! I wish you all the joy, peace and love of the  season. We were up fairly early today-no surprise there!- but the kids don't really appreciate the excitement yet. But they picked up on the reactions from the adults. My niece was the official present- opener for everyone. She seems to  believe that all gifts are hers. It's fun watching her with the gifts, carefully ripping open the paper, and examining the contents. She loves her new doll and has only put it down to eat or to open gifts. I'm glad she likes it. My nephew got a new set of cars, and is happily playing with the box... the house is in a bit of disarray, but it's all good. Breakfast was late, but filling- all of the traditional dishes in evidence. We're now having a little pause while dinner is in the oven and the children are having a short map. I spoke with my boys this morning. They're also having turkey (lunch for a week LOL) and Jerry was happily biting his gift. He  ignored me, as...

I've been at my sister for a week now. My nephew continues to pretend that I don't exist. He will climb over me if I'm in his way, or he will put his toys on me. But he won't answer when I talk to him and cries if I try to pick him up. My niece allows me to attend story time and prayers, and will answer a direct question, but she says. "No, no!" to almost everything I ask. It's probably a good thing that they don't want me to lift them because my back persists in causing pain and discomfort, and they are well-grown toddlers!  Jerry is  still sulking at me for not being at home. When I call, he turns his back to me, with an exasperated huff. Kids and dogs... both are sources of amusement. Christmas shopping is mostly done- at least, I travelled with a suitcase full of kids' gifts! Then I added gifts for the parents- because I'd forgotten their gifts! Anyway, thanks to Amazon, that's sorted. I am not thrilled with relying on them, but overnig...

My throat is itching a bit, which is annoying. I took some cold meds and I'm resting. I have neither the time nor the interest in being sick, so it's NOT an option! I'm having a good time with my family, even if it's a wee bit tiring, but I'm enjoying it. After 2 years of not seeing anyone, it's fabulous being with them! My niece continues to pretend that I don't exist. I know that she will make friends eventually, but she's playing hard to get! My nephew is treating me like one of his toys and uses me to climb, but he's still a bit shy of me. He's recovering from his pneumonia, and his activity levels are increasing. We spent some time yesterday putting up the tree with my niece, who was very proud to show off some ornaments that she had made in day care. They are all proudly hung on the tree, and she's happy to point them out. Tonight she's dancing with one of the videos. My nephew is playing with his truck as his way of dancing. I'...

Well, I've learnt that travel is still a painful process for me. My flight- 1hr 10min- wasn't long, nor was it uncomfortable, but my back was in agony. As my sister put it, I was in a straightjacket for the duration, as the seat position is uncomfortable, so it was a bit of a strain. That aside, though, I'm very happy to be with the family. My niece is not yet accustomed to me, and has spent most of her time saying to me, "No, no, no!" She sometimes will allow me to listen to story time or to watch videos with her.   (I've watched "Blues Clues" and "Tru" and "Coco melon" and I'm filled with brightly coloured characters!) It's a work in progress to get her to  acknowledge me. It's all good; I know that she will get used to me in time. I miss my boys while I'm away. It seems that there are common behaviours, as Jerry refuses to acknowledge me too! When I talk to him on the phone, he pretends to be a statue and doesn...

I woke up this morning with nausea, for the first time in over a week, and with a nosebleed that lasted a few minutes. Both imitating but not really a problem. My appetite is still not great, but I'm hopeful that it will improve. Last night, I was moving  Jerry's Christmas present and I put it on the dining table while I did something else. Jerry snuck up to the table and managed to pull it down. He spent the rest of the evening happily pulling the 2 chew-toys out of their wrappings and then shaking them! He very proudly took one to bed with him. Sadly, neither will make it  to Christmas, as he's already torn holes in them and removed a squeaker. Yes, I know that he's spoilt. And there are other toys for his gifts.  Here he is making off with his loot! I'm writing as I make my first flight in over 2 years. I'm off to Toronto for the holidays. I was a bit nervous about travel in the pandemic, and I hope that everything will go smoothly. Optimism is the watchword!...

I considered sharing a photo of my current IV hookup and splint, so you'd see what we've been doing. But I thought that it's the wrong time of year to share gross medical  images. My hand is immobilized to keep it stable and secure the line. It was rather painful as we used a vein in the back of my hand. I had multiple people here today-the nurse, my care worker, delivery drivers and the building manager doing fire- alarm testing. Guess who was not pleased with this foot traffic? Then he chased pigeons off the balcony. He's tired out now. He was on my lap until he got too curious about the pump and tubing. He's keeping Don company on the sofa making tiny snores. He'll be over to put me to bed in a while-but not before the nurse comes to disconnect me. I'm happily going through my books and rereading a few. It's entirely for comfort, because they are books I've read multiple times. I read them just before I fall asleep, mostly because I don't need...

The nurse was here to install my IV. .. unsuccessfully. She tried twice, and both times my veins  refused to cooperate. We'll try again  tomorrow, with hopefully better luck. Jerry is eating his food for show- he trots over to his bowl, takes a mouthful, walks back to me and crunches his food. His next step will be to bring his bowl over, just to let us know that dry dog food is not suitable for him. He wants people food, and won't ease up on the hints until he's certain that nobody is eating. He'll try to beg bites from our supper, and will complain about not getting any. I've been watching video compilations of resin art. The videos are often relaxing, and the products look cute. I was surprised, though, at the complexity of some items. There are a number of small pieces for jewelry, bookmarks, paperweights and ornaments. Then there are the mixed-media ones, using a whole woodworking shop, a 3-D printer and so on... Those are just relaxing to watch but not really ...

I had a rough night. My blood sugar bottomed out and was in a danger zone. I was up at 2am drinking juice and having some chocolate. It was still low at 9am, so I've been  nursing some Ensure. I'll skip tonight's insulin dose and call the endocrinologist in the morning. We aren't sure why my sugar is behaving like this, but we will keep a close eye on it! Jerry is not giving me ANY privacy! I have a small, fuzzy, black shadow everywhere! He's often lying on his back on my lap with his legs outstretched. If he can, he climbs onto my shoulder and snuggles into my neck. He can seemingly make himself comfortable anywhere! Can you believe that I feel guilty about putting him in the other room (with Don) when my nurse or other attendant is here? It's safer, as he's likely to bank or get underfoot so he's in there-I stress that he's NOT ALONE-giving occasional yips to communicate his  displeasure! His protectiveness has increased with the pandemic, as he ha...

Feeling better today. My IV was inserted in the back of my right hand, making it too painful to write, type, cook..-even using voice recognition  didn't work too well since Siri decided not to understand most of what I said, meaning that I had a lot of editing-which hurt. The night nurse disconnected me last night and removed the needle- and I was gushing blood. It took a while -and 3 gauze pads- until it stopped. Plus I had a bit of a nosebleed, which wasn't fun either. At least my blood is now staying inside! I saw my pain specialist on Thursday and he's happy with me. He thinks that my current back pain is mainly due to my muscles healing, and says that recovering from my back surgery will take "a long time" and 6 months isn't really very long. Anyway, hydration has improved my energy level, if not my appetite. Jerry was annoyed that he couldn't stay on my lap with the IV in my hand. I had. to keep him off me to protect the tubing. He seems to know that...

  This will be short. My new IV is inserted in the back of my hand and it's uncomfortable and somewhat painful to write or type. I've still got 2.5 hours left, and a crack-o'-dawn appointment, so bed is very soon! As soon as I can disconnect the bag, anyway! Jerry is upset because he can't be on my lap- the tubes are at risk of tangling, so he's been banished. He huffed and puffed and groused, but he's on Don instead. I'll cuddle him on the weekend when I'm disconnected. I will update more tomorrow. Good night.

  Remember that I went in early last night because I was tired? Well, I didn't fall asleep until almost 4am, then woke at 6am and again at 8. .. at 1am, my blood sugar was very low, so I had some juice and food in hopes that I'd fall asleep easily-not so much. I don't know what triggered that, but I hope tonight is better! I’ve  had no IV for the fourth day now, and found that I was less bloated and less hungry than before. We'll see how things change when I'm hooked up again! Jerry followed me in and out of the bedroom last night, and today posted himself on my lap as much as possible. He's on my ankles now, curled up uncomfortably [for me) and waiting for an opportunity to move onto my lap. Funny, isn't it. how you can go  a long time without seeing  someone, then you encounter them 3 times in a row? Something like that happened today. I've been a bit worried about one friend, with whom I chat regularly. about once a month. I realized recently that we ...

I'm wiped out tonight. .My energy is horribly low, and my eyes won't stay open! I ate a bit of rice and chicken, and a bowl of Cheerios and 2 cups of tea today. Not a lot, I know, but I'm very, very tired. The nurse was here to connect my IV, but the needle leaked, and we tried again twice with no success at finding a vein. I told him that I would prefer that we skipped today so my veins have a chance to recover, so I have no IV until  Wednesday, when I hope that it's improved. My arms are sore from the needles, and we hope that the pause will give my veins a break. Fingers crossed! Also I'm optimistic that I'll sleep well tonight. The forecast threatens some COLD weather this week, so I'll be enjoying cozy sweater and hot drinks! Jerry has only just left me to go sit on Don. He seemed to be spring-loaded.  Every time I pushed him off, he just bounced right back! He likes the snow, but not the freezing rain, and when his feet get wet, he runs extra fast! Tod...

  I had signed up for a talk on Advent taking place this afternoon. I was looking forward to it, as the speaker is interesting. So I logged in to Zoom 10 minutes before the start, and shortly after people had joined so we were able to begin promptly. The talk started, and we were asked to shut off video and sound while the host shared the screen, and I..-fell fast asleep! I was obviously more tired than I realized, because I didn't wake up for almost an hour, when the discussions had started. I'm upset with myself for sleeping through the talk so I couldn't participate in the discussion. Sad. I was able to eat a chicken sandwich and some nice later. I'm almost craving certain items, but not enough to either order or make them. As usual, Jerry spent as much time as possible on my lap or on my feet looking adorable and cuddly. He's hijacked Don's blanket and is rolled into a ball on the sofa. I've been watching the TV adaptation of a much-enjoyed book series. ...

It snowed all day today. By noon, we were buried in a  "mantle of white..." It's later this year for a first snowfall than it's been for the past few years. But I did ask my family and friends in Saskatchewan and in the Toronto area to please. Keep. The. Snow. There! but they  obviously didn't listen. It's at the beautiful, sparkly stage, as it's white and not many footprints in it yet. It's likely to hang around for a few days as the forecast is for cold weather. Jerry hasn't decided if he's happy or not. On one paw, he likes playing in dry snow, but on the other paw, he hates getting his paws wet and cold. We will just have to wait to see what he thinks. For a large part of the day he plunked on my lap and didn't move I finally threw him off when he was causing me too much pain He's now trying to distract Don from watching hockey! I'm increasing what I can eat. The IV is working well for that! I am still eating less than normal, b...

My IV is in place, and it was  secured tightly-so tightly. in fact, that I had to call for a nurse to release it! That's just so wrong. Jerry has installed himself on my lap and despite my eviction efforts, he won't budge. I don't know why, but he's just cemented in place! He just trotted off to snack, and returned with his little tail going at a high rate! He's standing on Don now, trying to get him to play; I'm amused by his tiny tail-it's shorter than my thumb, but when he gets excited he tries to wag his whole hind end! My little spoiled puppy!    I've been nibbling on Cheerios today, plus a bowl of soup. It's pretty decent- I didn't need any Ensure, which I like to skip! Jerry is very hyper, rearranging the throw on the sofa and is staring at me in hopes of getting me to play- I can't because the IV tubes are still in place, but he's not believing me. Did I mention that he's silly? As Christmas approaches, so too are the "id...

I think that it's a good thing that I carry some extra weight. That way, even on my most challenging days, I don't look haggard. There were some photos of me when things were quite rough, and I could see that I wasn't well, but it wasn't obvious. I've lost over 20 lbs in the past month, but Don says that it doesn't show. It's all good. The IV will be reinserted tomorrow- fingers crossed that we find a vein easily! I was able to eat some more today, so that's also good. Jerry spent as much of the day on my lap as he could manage. He climbed up when I sat down, and wriggled around to look in my eyes while I felt his stub of a tail wagging madly. He's such a loving dog when he's ready, and a bossy terror at times. He's very much like Longfellow's little girl-down to the cut on his forehead! I managed to do a load of laundry today, and, as is my habit, I took a look at the books for exchange and was absolutely delighted to find a copy of a bo...

I got my IV done this morning by my regular nurse. The drip worked quite well until I had about an hour to go when I noticed that my sweater sleeve was wet and the pump kept alarming that there was a kink in the line. I took off my sweater and saw that my arm was swollen. I started to freak, stopped the pump and called the agency. The evening nurse came, removed the IV and checked my arm. It's all good, the swelling is going down, and we'll reinsert the needle Friday. I'm sleepy all afternoon but I'll be fine. Jerry was too funny this afternoon. Both of us were on the phone making appointments, and Jerry ran from one to the other, carrying his toy and seemingly expecting that we were going out. He made sure that he guarded us so nobody could sneak off without him. He's assumed his position on the sofa, keeping an eye on me and a paw on Don, so if anyone moves, he'll leap into action! I was browsing my cookbook collection today and daydreaming some meals. My appe...

R It’s a sad day emotionally because my family doctor is officially  retired. I still haven't found a new one, despite searching for the past few months. The 3 clinics that my doctor had recommended are all full and have closed their waiting lists. I registered with the province to be referred to a doctor and now I wait. Meanwhile, my IV situation has moved over to the cancer centre, where my oncologist (a truly wonderful doctor!) set up 3 days a week for at least a month so that I can improve (we hope!) I told him that I'm hoping to travel this winter to see my family and friends. He thinks that it's a great plan, so we'll  focus on making that happen. The tiny monster literally spent the day on my lap, or about 5 cm from my ankle! I evicted him several times, unsuccessfully, and my lap practically has taken on the shape of a small schnauzer. He's right now trying to beg some of our  dinner, and getting into mischief. He just brought his bowl over to Don to show th...

My oxygen machine was collected today and returned to the company. It's encouraging, as my breathing is good again-the humidity is done, so it's easier for me. However, as with every other mental issue, I'm reminding myself that I do not need it. Isn't it odd how your brain can play tricks on you? I'd prefer if my brain got me to be tall, slim, and fully healthy! How do I persuade it to regrow the organs I removed? But as long as I wake up and don't need a lot of treatment, I'm good.   Jerry has been making nests on my lap all day and he makes  himself very comfortable- He's having fun with his newest toy, and is carrying it in his mouth, looking for someone to throw it around. Last night, he packed himself into my knees and wouldn't move. He was comfortable, but I was less so. I can't move if he's napping because I won't disturb him. I know that I'm being silly but it's fine. He's happy, so we're happy. I got a call this ...

Happy Hanukkah to all those who are celebrating. I hope that you're able to enjoy time with family and friends, even if through video calling. The IV made a difference Imo. I was able to eat a bit more, and I actually felt hungry. That's good! We have some minor issues, but I hope they will be quickly sorted. Jerry was on my lap for 2 hours today while I watched a movie. He had his legs stretched out and would pat my tummy from time to time... He rolled over at one point and slipped off my lap. He looked very disapproving as he climbed back up. Silly puppy! Don is continuing to improve slowly, which is good. He still won't see a doctor, but is hyper-vigilant about my appointments! He's trying to watch the CFL games, but Jerry keeps carrying his toy for them to play. Any guesses who will win? My dad was waiting for me to call because he was upset. One of his close friends died suddenly on Friday. He didn't have any details last night, except that Mr. Ali had already ...

At last, the IV is set up finally. It took 3 nurses and 5 stabs to get it in place. I also made some chicken and split pea soup today, which is pretty tasty. I finished the soup a few minutes before the nurse arrived, and I ate a bowlful. My tiny personal nurse complained again about having someone putting in the tubing, and is more irritated because I have the pack with the bag of hydration solution, and he's not allowed on my lap as a result. The sulks are really impressive He's glaring at me when he's not patting my leg for me to make room for him. Just now, both boys are curled up and napping on the sofa. I'm realizing that I'm aging. It's a positive thing-I can't live forever if I'm not aging! And I am also recognizing that the world is changing around me.  Many of the changes are good, and others require that I learn to adjust my thinking. It continues to surprise me just how pervasive and subtle some messages are! It requires a lot of mental alert...

Today was supposed to be the day when I got my IV hydration so I'd hopefully be able to recover my appetite, etc. Let me start with the good news for today. My fasting sugar was in the normal range for the first time in about 10 days. The Ensure Plus has given me a little appetite, and I ate a bit today. So those are all on the up side. The nurse arrived this afternoon and tried to find a vein. My veins are known to be either easy and cooperative or else they hide. Today they hid. The nurse tried 3 times, unsuccessfully, and had to call for another nurse to try and insert the tubing. The second muse arrived, used the last  needle, and postponed until tomorrow. Sigh. This is taking longer than I expected, but when it's done things will be better. At least I don't have to try to sleep with the pump, tubes and bag! Guess who was unhappy with the deliveries, nurses and phone calls and is guarding us while chewing on his new toy? He will also be happy not to  share his bed with ...

  Happy American Thanksgiving to everyone celebrating. I hope that you are able to enjoy time with family-either in person or for Thanks Zooming. 🙂 I wish you wonderful times and many hugs soon!   To my favourite pest-yes, I'm stealing your idea! I spent several hours at the hospital this morning for a doctor's appointment. The doctor was over an hour late getting to me, but she explained that there had been  an accident so that the Emergency room was taking up a lot of  resources, and since I was in the haematology unit... Anyway, the doctor said that I've been doing well, with no recurrent blood clots (despite some scares) and we're reducing my blood thinner meds. My nurse will be here tomorrow to "install" my IV, so I assume that I'll get a delivery of tubing, needles and so forth before he gets here. Jerry will be annoyed, because I'll have the pump and IV bag, so it limits his snuggling space! We've done that before without problems so I expe...

So - I'm having a less-than-fun day. My nurse was here and he checked my vitals, then immediately called my doctor to order an IV drip. My blood pressure and pulse were out of normal; too low and too high respectively, and my sugar was in the danger zone. I was also dehydrated, and he thought I needed more help.  He said that if he couldn't get the doctor to agree, his next call would have been 911 for admission to hospital. Luckily my doctor was available and responded immediately.  I'm disappointed that my doctor will retire next week, as it will be super challenging from now on. I'll let you know how it progresses.   Tomorrow I have to see my haematologist to ensure that my blood clotting remains normal. I think so, but I'm obviously not to be relied upon... The furry nurse  escaped from his room while the nurse was here and came  bounding out and leapt into his lap, turning off his hearing aid while we kept calling him. No harm done, thankfully. Don continue...

Bit of a downturn today. My back feels like something is torn above my scapula. It's dreadful. And before you ask-Doctor appointment in the morning at 8:30. It's very uncomfortable, as there's a burning feeling along my back, and a dull ache along my arm. Most annoying. Don is a bit better today, although his shoulder remains sore. He's still relaxing, and gets half-time from the furry nurse, who's getting good at hopping from one lap to another! Jerry complained loudly about my personal service worker's arrival this afternoon, especially when she was changing the sheets. When she left, he growled! then jumped on my lap. Spoiled puppy! Today's title refers to the need to stick with your own area of expertise... I thought  that it was apt! I saw one of my neighbours on the elevator today. I was going to the basement, and I was using my cane. She asked why, because I'd "rely too much on it and slow the  recovery." Why do people strain my politene...