Learning and understanding

I got a message this morning that I'd ended yesterday's blog on a cliff. What happened was that I had written my entry as I usually do while staying awake for my 11PM meds. I usually write for an hour or so, then proof-read the handwriting to type conversion (I really enjoy the Apple Pencil!) and set it to post automatically at 00:01 so I don't need to stay awake. Anyway, I must have started the thought, and I fell asleep! Don woke me up, but he was laughing at the fact that I couldn't keep my eyes open. The good news is that I'm getting more sleep. The ongoing challenge is that I doze off at some less than ideal moments! Today was decent overall. I had a few moments of a sore back, so I napped a little. My medical team advises that in my current circumstances, I may sleep when I feel the need. Once I have regulated my sleep they would prefer that I don't nap in the afternoon, but right now any sleep will do.  (To paraphrase a song from "Dreamcoat") I ...

 I had an early doctor's appointment today, so my insomnia worked in my favour. I was awake for 5:30, so had loads of time to wake up and eat breakfast before leaving for the hospital. It was a lovely, wet day, where I got sprinkled going into the hospital screening area.  I like it when it’s that gentle soaking rain like we had this morning.  It just encourages curling up under a blanket and being cozy.   How do you like the tiny photo bomber?  He decided that losing his lap privileges was worth being in the frame of every photo I took this morning… this was the picture that best captured his wicked plot of taking command of everything! My doctor is pleased with my general progress. He had last seen me about 3 weeks ago, and today I was able to walk in without needing a wheelchair, and I could sit up for my appointment. Both of these are advancements over the last one, where I had to lie down because of my back pain. We agreed that I'm probably likely to feel f...

. Butterflies!  Aren’t they lovely?  I was thrilled to get this picture today showing these beauties!  I was actually looking at some crochet patterns of butterfly decals today and considering a few projects — I’m really going to have to stop coming up with more assignments and plans and just make a few!  I’m also stopping myself from buying more yarn, for precisely the same reason… It’s hard enough making choices and narrowing my options now, it would be far worse to winnow out the wider selection that I see.  So many choices!  So many colours and patterns and designs!  I’ve got my list of the next 3 projects and when I’m done the first one, I’ll add a new one. My list of planned items is already over 20… I have more planned patterns than I could finish in a lifetime.  It will get better, since a number of them are small crochet projects. I'm slowly catching up on my sleep deficit. Like last night, when I fell asleep after composing my email with...

I'm definitely sleep-deprived. It's not surprising, and not news, but it is both annoying and inconvenient! Today, though, I was able to get 3 uninterrupted hours of sleep this afternoon. So lovely. I'm feeling better again, and hoping for more good sleep tonight. It seems greedy, but honestly, 7 hours a night is supposed to be the average for people my age (really, for any adult/teen/child...) so I'll work on getting back up to closer to the average.  I’ve noticed that I’m still far too easily inclined to just fall asleep without warning (known as microsleep) which is unsafe at the least. Jerry, who is a bossy little monster, has parked himself on my lap and is not letting me have much space -LOL. He's been scratching at me and butting me to end up on my lap. He's also been trying to mooch my chocolate cookies, which is not happening. Every so often he smuggles in for a hug and is happy to have me pet his tummy. I had a very busy hour browsing the library's...

Previous  My back continues to ache and I'm convinced that I've pulled a muscle because of how the pain radiates. But I managed a walk around the block with the tiny dictator, who was completely overjoyed to go out and bark at everything. He only agreed to come back in because it was hot and he was thirsty. I'm sure that otherwise I'd probably still be out trying to negotiate his re-entry into the building! He spent most of the rest of the afternoon snuggled up against me, patting my tummy and being cuddled. Last entry, I talked about my integration of non-Christian beliefs into my personal credo. I remember, with surprising clarity, my conversation with our seminarian, on the question of religious beliefs. I said that all religions taught the same core thing. It was largely immaterial, I said, whether you espoused a form of Christianity or something else-it all boiled down to which form of belief you chose, and I could mix and match as I saw fit. He pointed out that if...

I'm having one of those days, when my shoulder aches a LOT  and I feel it radiating down my back and shoulder. I know it's from that awkward movement a couple of days ago, when I moved suddenly and felt pain blazing across my back. I'm beyond annoyed with it. Plus it's humid, so breathing is a bit challenging.     My cooking plants are starting to grow. I'd like to pretend that I'm growing them, but Helga sent me seeds for pimentos and chado beni. Don planted them while I was in hospital, and they are starting to grow. It will be a great moment when I can pick my peppers and make my own green seasoning! I can sometimes find ingredients at the Chinese grocery or if I make it to a Caribbean supermarket, but it's great  to have a supply of fresh herbs to supplement when I have in my pantry.   I'm still not able  to go out as I'd like and I've been restricted to being home and getting deliveries to supplement my meals- but I'm not thrilled with t...

  We'll return to my religious inclinations in a bit. Today I started feeling better. I slept longer, and went back to having a nap mid-morning, which helped. I also managed to sneak a piece of the ice-cream cake (one slice left in the freezer for the birthday boy!) and totally enjoyed it! Gotta love cake and ice cream, even more when combined! I also discovered a frozen sticky toffee pudding today- excavating the depths of the freezer can be rewarding!! (Note to the anti-sugar crowd: none for you! It's all mine! 😈😜) I had a lovely, long conversation with my niece today. We don't often get to have long chats, because, well, teens and life, but I do enjoy them when we can. Part of this one was about confirmation preparation, and as her godmother I try to encourage her to ask as many questions as she can so we can talk about thorny or touchy subjects.  The class was about vocations and discernment. I threw my mind back almost 40 years ago to when I did that session, and I w...

This will  be part 1 of several parts, possibly 3 in all. This one covers my teen and formative years; the others will come.  Be prepared for triggers, since this relates to my religious beliefs and it’s quite personal. You know that my religious and spiritual beliefs are very central to my self. I have a strong, but quiet, faith all of my life.  Anyone who has known me as I grew up also knows that I've been a practicing Catholic as long as I've known myself.  My grandmother would pray her rosary every night before bed, a habit that I  inherited along with her chaplet (which I also use nightly)  Her father, my great-grandfather, converted from Islam to Catholicism at the time of his marriage to my great-grandmother, and by all accounts, he was an irreverent adherent.  I’m not inclined to proselytize or attempt to convert people, and although I have attended a few loud prayer meetings, they are not my style.  My beliefs were questioned because my a...

Six hours of uninterrupted sleep! Absolutely marvellous. Then today my body reminded me that 6 hours doesn't erase weeks of sleep deprivation, so I have been dozing on and off all day. I imagine that it will be a few days before I get to a level of "normal-ish" sleep. But I'm looking forward to it. My nerd side is also enjoying the challenge of using spreadsheets on the iPad, since there's no mouse and restricted keyboard use. The Apple Pencil is helpful, but there's still a learning curve. It's fun, though, to have this as a goal. I'm trying to understand the thinking of those who are using this pandemic to leverage political gain at the expense of innocent lives. It's really tragic, watching how people were misled and encouraged into dangerous behaviour. I read that some individuals argued that the restrictions were stricter and more unfair on young adults because they deserve to be out on weekends and denying them time at pubs is unfair.. Oh, an...

I'm learning, slowly, that there are some movements that will cause me significant pain, and un/fortunately, I won't know in advance what they are. Sometimes, an incautious jerk - like grabbing my pen before it falls to the ground - will send a searing pain along my back. More often, my hands will  just jump and I'll spill my glass of water. Doing my assigned stretches usually do not cause any. difficulties, but then doing my marching in place will have my knees go all wobbly. It becomes a guessing game as to whether I'm following instructions carefully or regressing into teenage crush-on-the -hottie mode! Although for that to work, I need a pin-up to ogle! 😝 (one, small, furry dictator complaining of neglect and starvation for you to coo at!  Yes, I’m in a rut!) I'm going to get a phone call or text in the morning about this next bit. I have this one friend who has a habit of asking whether I regret my decisions, particularly those related to surgery. For example,...

  Today was very hot, muggy and humid, broken by a massive thunderstorm this afternoon. The thunder actually woke me out of a sleep, which is a good thing because I was in an uncomfortable position in my chair. Don celebrated his 81st birthday today. Paul kindly collected the ice cream cake and delivered it just before lunch, so that was fabulous timing! I know that we will be doing more birthday celebrations soon- Heidi’s own is next Wednesday. then Daddy on the following Sunday. That leaves us with my new nephew's birthday on August 13 when he will be a year old. For me, that’s long enough for me to have not met him, so I'm trying to go to a point where I can travel 4+ hours to be able to join the family and celebrate! I hurt my back and shoulder again today bending over to pick up a ball that Jerry took out to the balcony and I didn't want the risk of the ball falling 20 floors down to the parking lot... not a good idea! Anyway, my back and shoulder are royally sore I wi...

Today has been decent, on balance. My sleep is still erratic, which is unfortunate. On the up side, my pain seems to be better managed and I have more time when I'm not in agony. So that's a definite plus! I'm able to walk a bit again, even though the heat and humidity are still high. That's one of the signs that my meds are doing well-a week ago I'd have been in blinding pain due to the heat, instead of just having swollen feet and feeling sluggish. I'm working on maintaining my levels of gratitude, which is a tad challenging! I've also reached the point that I didn't expect to reach for a few years. I've been actually using my walker to go for walks, and I've taken the dog with me. That's an indication that I'm adapting to changes that I don't particularly like. People tried encouraging me to use it, saying that it might be helpful to me to adjust to using it, but I was very uncomfortable with the concept of relying on a very obviou...

Today wars an absolute day of rest. No ifs, ands or buts. Between my straining myself on Friday, my outing yesterday and miscellaneous other activities, I needed that. Tomorrow will also be a slow day, because I can feel that there will be a need for additional R&R. This is my fourth week at home after being released from rehab. I know that I am improving, and that I am making progress, even if I think that it's slow. Take today, for instance. I had my usual weekly visit for communion at 9:30 this morning. That should not have made me tired, but because of my earlier activities, I was barely able to stay awake for any length of time. Once again, my body has this game where I sleep for 20- 30 minutes and I think that glue slept for hours, but then I realize that I've catnapped, and my sleep is more broken. I'm in the delightful state of having a fridge full of food, thanks to my friend and her mom. So that reduces some of the demand on me. No cooking required for about 2...

  I attended my first post-lockdown party today. It was a Hawaiian-themed 17th birthday for a young man who I knew before he was a twinkle in his mother's eye. She was my first hairdresser when I moved to Canada all those years ago, and we became friends. I look back at the last 20+ years, and I am again amazed at the passage of time! I remembered when we were told of the impending arrival of this young man, and planned excitedly for his coming. It was also lovely to have a chance to catch up with my friend, her mom, and the rest of the family. We haven't, of course seen anything of each other in the last 18-20 months, and the lifting of restrictions yesterday meant a chance to gather in her back yard and interact at a safe distance. I'm honestly delighted to be able to celebrate with them, and to share in these family moments.  I'm touched that my friends have made it possible for me to share  their family moments over the past 20+ years that I've been in Canada. I...

  Today was very painful. I'd like to blame it on all kinds of things, but honesty demands that I admit to having over-exerted myself. I wanted to do several things, and I didn't wait for help but went ahead and tackled them myself. I'm paying for that. I feel the aches along my back that are overwhelming the pain meds, so I will go to bed early and get the rest that my body is demanding.. Thanks again for the several flower photos there-I got today. I'm really enjoying seeing them, even as I acknowledge that I'm going to miss most of the summer blooms this year. And another thank you to my high school friend who sent me pictures and video of her 2-year- old granddaughter ! dancing. She's a beautiful baby, but it's odd to realize that we're now of the age where some of us can be grandmothers! Age just sort of sneaks up on us, doesn't it? I mean, one day we're arrogant know-it-alls of 15 & 16, ready to conquer the world, invincible and immorta...

Let's start off with the great news that I saw two of my friends this afternoon for 5 minutes, shall we?  Fouad passed by to drop off some hair product for me, which was lovely, and he was accompanied by Marcel, who I haven’t seen in a long time. So wonderful to see them both! I’m looking at this as a sign that I’ll be able to see my other friends soon, and we’ll be able to get together and share good times again. In fact, there are plans for an upcoming dinner soon… details remain under wraps until the reopening is better in place!  I’m excited to see things moving in the direction of allowing more interaction! I was hoping that I could have made it to the end of the week before I became angry, but I could not. I'm sorry. I heard today this horrific story about a nurse who refused to get the Covid vaccine, and then contracted the virus and transmitted it to their patient, who died. I was so furious when I read that!!! How DARE you put your patient in harm's way like that? ...

I'm definitely in the "cautiously optimistic" category for my pain meds. Today was hot and humid, but my pain was reasonably managed. YAY!! I dozed off a lot this afternoon, so I feel more rested. And I went for a walk again with the tiny dictator, who at least managed not to get tangled in the walker, although he did  bark at everything and everyone.  He enjoyed it, which is the whole point. It was a hot day, but not brutal, and I'm again a little sorry that I can't walk as far as I'd like. The rule that we established in rehab is even more important now- however far I walk, I have to walk back- so I need to gauge my energy very carefully, as I'd be on my own if I had a problem. Jerry is now curled up on the floor by my feet, having a nap before he decides that it's time to herd me to bed.  Apparently it's not a good time for my friends. I've received text messages from no fewer than 6 who have all asked for time to recover because they're...

Seven years ago today I woke up from an induced coma 5 full days after my major surgery. As I've said, I count this as an extra birthday, and it's a celebration. So I had, not cake, but a custard-filled chocolate croissant from a Portuguese bakery. Absolutely  delicious! I had it with a cup of tea. I'll definitely keep that bakery in my directory!. It was a busy day also, with my physiotherapist; my PSW, conversations with my oncologist and a surprise drop off of supper.  I'm cautiously optimistic that my new pain meds are working, as I'm not in a lot of pain although it's been hot and humid. It's a win.  I need to switch a bit. My atheist friends can skip the rest. Consider yourself provided with a "trigger warning.”   To me, it is obvious that my continued presence is entirely by divine inspiration. I don’t  know for what purpose I'm here, nor do I know what benefit I bring. I do know that I am happier and more serene than I’ve been in the last 9 ...

I have no idea what happened to my last blog post. I went to look at something, and it suddenly wasn't there! Oops... so I will attempt to recreate it, but not now. I went for a walk around the block today, being pulled by the tiny, furry dictator. I'm happy that I was able to go, but it was tiring, because he has so much energy!  He had a great time although he definitely thought that his walk was too short, even though he was starting to get thirsty 😁 There are days when my level of happiness and comfort with the world is less than optimal. Some days a comment from a well-intentioned person can send me into a bit of a spiral and it takes a lot of effort to recover my equanimity. I got one of those today, when I was told, "You need to be more positive." Really ? I do? It got me annoyed, which of course affects my cheerful positivity level.  . My closest friend commented to me later that I'm obviously recovering, since both my sarcasm and my snappy responses ar...

 

Today was another painful day.  I had a lot of difficulty falling asleep-I was awake until 3am, then I was awake again at 5am. The result of course, was that I was drowsing off in the middle of the day, and falling asleep in my chair. Not the most comfortable way to nap!  Although, as my dad pointed out-if you can sleep in a position, then it's at least temporarily comfortable, so… I need to remember that the surgery itself was very successful. I'm able to walk again, and I was at real risk of being paralyzed if I did nothing.  The challenge is really that I now have a torn tendon, which is dreadfully painful so it's a wholly different issue. It would be better if I did not have that issue but it's one of those things, I guess. Let's be honest-I'm frustrated with the level of pain I've been dealing with this week. It feels like all I've been talking about is the hurt in my back, and I'm fed up with it. Between that and my insomnia, I feel like a mise...