First weekend

It is the feast of the Epiphany, also known as the Dia de los Reyes, and the end of the Christmas season!  Tomorrow begins Orthodox Christmas, so we’ll begin with more wishes then!  It’s a full on winter day with the threat of a nor’easter in the offing.  So far, we don’t have any snow, but we do have wind, which is howling like several banshees, making the little dog very nervous and unhappy.  I can hear it outside, and the windows are rattling from the force of it, coming from the wrong direction… normally, storms/wind, etc, blow in from the west; this one is an east wind and it’s cold and miserable.  Jerry was contentedly pulling the stuffing out of his “chew proof” toy this afternoon when it was still calm; he’s now curled into a trembling ball, snuggled against Don and refusing to move.  He hates the wind, especially when it’s howling like this.  He and Don are in a little pile on the sofa; Don’s watching a true crime (today is about David Koresh) and cuddling the puppy like a teddy bear.  Jerry keeps looking around for the source of the noise, giving small growls every so often.  There’s probably sports on tonight — Saturday is hockey night, after all — but so far true crime is winning.

I felt a little tired today, but that’s mostly because I didn’t sleep too well last night.  Jerry moved back in my bed, burrowed under the blankets for a while, then he walked over my legs and settled down… he woke me up around 1 and was awake until after 3!  I had to get up for my nurse who came to hook up my hydration, and although I intended going back to bed, somehow I didn’t.  I had a couple of very filling meals, with a thanks to my friend J, who dropped off a homemade Mac and cheese.  I’m delightfully full, although I’m craving a Coca Cola.  I don’t often have any, it’s a carryover for many years, but today I’m thinking that I’d really like one.  Generally if I crave something like this, I have a sparkling water/club soda/mineral water for the fizz, but I’m actually wanting the caramel and sugar.  It will be sorted, have no fears!  I’m also mentally preparing myself for the loss of my hair for the fourth time due to chemo.  I passed my hand through my hair this morning and it just came off… my hand was full of hair!  I’ve been shedding all over today, down my sweater, into my pillow, the chair…  I’m expecting it, but even so my heart fell and I felt a wave of anxiety wash over me.  I’ll be shaving it in a day or so, which I don’t really want to do.  I know that it’s just hair, that it will grow back, that it’s not the end of the  world, that I have wigs, scarves and hats to cover my baldness, you guys are very kind and tell me that I have a well shaped head that looks good bald, but even with all of that, and knowing that I’ve been through this before, I still have the moment of “No!  I don’t want to!”  That just screams to the rest of the world that I have cancer and I’m sick, and I don’t like that.  It leads to pitying looks from strangers, and some people drawing back away from me… It’s ok.  I’ll shave it off, break out the wigs, get a couple new ones (Sun, this is where I need you!) and play with them.

So in some ways I’m extremely immature.  My assorted kids tell me that I’m only pretending to be grownup, but they like me like that, don’t change. There are various reasons for this, not least a minor case of not wanting to “wear sensible shoes and carry a rolled up umbrella.”  It’s manifested itself this week in a flash of contrarianism!  There’s a campaign that’s organized by a cancer organization called “Dry February” in which you’re asked to give up alcohol to raise funds for cancer research.  It’s a dreadful ad, with awful art, and (to me) seems condescending.  “How about doing something good for others?  Go dry this February, and lower your risk of getting cancer.”  I don’t like the ad.  If you want to avoid alcohol, sugar, fat, meat, dairy, greens, peas, beans, cotton wool or whatever, knock yourself out.  But asking people to sign a pledge and post it on social media?  No, thank you.  Besides, (and this is where my contrarianism comes in) I haven’t had alcohol in a very long time due to my meds.  So I’m thinking that I will start drinking, and then make a big deal of it… too silly?  I’d love to have a few cocktails, like perhaps a Pimm’s or a white wine sangria — something with lots of fruit and a refreshing splash of “the water of life” possibly with some bubbles.  Bubbles are always fun!  Thanks to my brother, who is an awesome bartender, I’ve got recipes for some excellent mock tails, that can be “adulted” (spell check turned that to ‘adulterous’ 😆) really easily, so I can do that.  It’s silly and childish, I know.  I don’t drink; I have no ongoing urge to have alcohol, so why is it that an ad for avoiding alcohol would make me want to start?  Or an ad for a “low cal” beer make me want to reach for a good microbrew?  Or, worst of all, a message with the sugar contents in various foods telling me that it’s bad for me make me want to get a dozen donuts and a gallon of soda?  Anyone?  I think part of it is that I don’t like feeling judged, and these campaigns do that… Will I ever grow up and get over this?  Is 55 a reasonable age to expect a woman to follow along with societal demands?  Should I just go on with my life, ignoring these ads (as I do the ones to lose weight, run a marathon, buy pizza or eat at McDonald’s?)

Clearly I’ve got too much time on my hands, so my brain is going into some strange places… I did get the latest request to participate in one of the cancer support areas, so perhaps I should just go fill in those applications and search for a new wardrobe… Thoughts?  The little dog is now on my feet, snoring contentedly, so I’ll just make a cup of tea and settle in for the evening.  My IV has been running for almost 10 hours now and I still have maybe 30 -45 minutes left, so tea.  Good night!