Hump day

OK, I’m not foul-mouthed, but I am sarcastic and a delight, with frequent awkward moments, so I think this applies, don’t you?  Still no resolutions, because I was fabulous last year, and will be fabulous this!  And no, I’m really not that egotistical, I’m just trying to maintain a level of cheeriness.  It was quite warm, relatively speaking, today after yesterday’s storm.  The snow turned into ice and then rain by morning, so although it looks very winter wonderland at the moment, the streets are less messy that we expected.  There’s a lot of water on the surface, as some of the storm drains are blocked by ice, and cars were throwing up waves as they drove along.  Jerry was not impressed by wet ground, because he doesn’t like getting his feet wet and opted for cuddles instead.  Don is still having a lot of pain in his arm, and can’t lift it, nor can he pick up his coffee mug unless he uses both hands, and that’s usually accompanied by pain sound effects.  I don’t know what to do or to try, and he’s doing things slowly.  Sports are the great exception, and he’s perfectly happy watching as much as possible.

I had to get my bloodwork done today in preparation for tomorrow’s chemo.  We left home around 11 to go to the hospital, arrived there at 11:25, I got called in to get my blood drawn at 11:30 and was back in the car at 11:35.  That was awesome, to say the least; it took longer to get there and back than to get seen.  It seems that people thought that the roads would have been worse than they were, so I won’t complain!  I had a craving and ordered some sushi for lunch, which was really what I wanted, although I have to say that vegetarian spring rolls are truly disappointing.  It was hot and fresh, which was excellent, but the filling was sad and soggy.  I had a list of appointments today, apart from the bloodwork, including my nurse, planned cooking with my support worker and a grocery delivery.  I didn’t know that I was also scheduled to get delivery of bags of IV fluid, nor that everyone would show up at the same time!  Nor that the nurse (who was due at 9) didn’t show up until almost 4 with no explanation or call; or my support worker called in sick with a migraine so I wasn’t sure if anyone would show up and the grocery guy called to complain that he couldn’t find a place to park… I was a little stressed.  At least the nurse came, changed the dressing and disappeared so fast I wasn’t sure he was real, and the worker who was sent stayed long enough to cook some potatoes and chicken.  So it wasn’t as bad as it might have been, but it took me a few minutes to breathe through the small flare of anxiety that I felt.  

I’m not impressed at myself for how easily I become anxious and tense these days.  I used to be able to cope with upheavals and change and all that, but lately, even a small change is enough to make me have to control a feeling of hyperventilation and need to work to regain control.  I know that I’m coping with a lot — I mean, anyone who disputes that hasn’t read my posts in the last year — and it’s not been easy, even though I try to remain optimistic and upbeat as much as possible.  I noticed some changes to myself in the last few years, which worsened between the combination of the pandemic and my disease.  I’ve been clenching my jaw a lot, and it’s clicking when I make an effort to relax.  I can feel tension building in my neck and shoulders, I’ve been focussed on taking slower breaths, my heart rate is consistently above 105, and I’m subject to attacks of the shakes quite frequently.  I have always had benign tremor— where my hands shake at rest — it was something that my father and I both had.  There were running jokes since university that it was DTs from alcohol withdrawal, that I trembled because I was in the presence of my crush, that I was sleep deprived… all sorts of things.  I knew that it got worse when I’m hungry, stressed or cold, but I’ve always had it.  Recently, though, I’ve been more inclined to shake for no obvious reason.  I finally had to admit that my coping mechanism is approaching its limit.  I can probably offer seminars in all the various techniques for controlling/reducing stress that have been promoted, including mindfulness, meditation, yogic breathing techniques, and so on.  I’m no longer responding to any of them… right now, I can feel my pulse throbbing in my ear and my jaw is cracking repeatedly.  

I also have developed claustrophobia, and I’ve had mild panic attacks — FFS, I had guns pointed at me and I had less of a reaction than just the suggestion of doing an MRI gives me now!  The thought of being in a crowded elevator makes me hyperventilate.  I was reading a story about people walking through an underground tunnel — written for kids — and I had to skip because I was suddenly uncomfortable.  These are new, profound and uncomfortable changes in my self that I dislike and I’m attributing to having too much to cope with these days.  My focus for the next while, I think, will be trying to break out of this “trap” that I feel like I’m caught in.  I don’t know what else to do, nor do I know how to recharge my coping capability.  I apologize for sharing this — I know that there are those who will object to my displaying “weakness” or what they see as “negativity” (and I can’t cope with them or their reactions right now either, so I’m apologizing in advance.)  To a few others, I am not turning away from my faith, nor am I giving up, I’m just admitting to the all too human frailty that I’m experiencing so I’d appreciate it if you didn’t share things like, “just trust in God, he doesn’t give you more than you can handle” because I kind of feel like I’ll break if I have any more to handle.  Finally, (and I apologize for the language) to those who think they’re being “kind” by leaving it up to me when I want to reach out to them; that’s not going to fly.  Because (if you haven’t worked it out yet) I’m not going to call people from whom I haven’t heard in over a year to ask you to do something for me.  I barely reach out to my BFF and sister friend to ask them to pick up milk; and I talk to them daily.  Why should I then exert myself for someone who last called to ask me for help in getting a job and then ghosted me?  To be clear, I’m not expecting that I’ll be the centre of anyone’s life, but I think that an email every few weeks is not too much to ask.  There’s a huge difference between those who say, “let me know when you’re up to meeting” and the others who say “I’ll leave it to you to call when you want to talk.”  The latter are like people who see someone shivering in a blizzard, tell them to stay warm, and then hop in their cars and drive off to toss their extra coat in the garbage.

Ouch.  I’m sorry.  I’ll stop here because clearly today is not a good day and I’ll probably ostracize the few people left who care enough to talk to me regularly.  I’ll be back to cheerful after chemo and some rest and fewer disruptive days.  I’m going to have some of the just out of the oven chicken and then watch a cozy mystery.  Good night!