Like an open highway
I celebrated my 50th birthday this week. As everyone has pointed out, it’s a milestone; half a century. It’s an age that I wasn’t sure that I would actually reach, given last year’s particular challenges. I decided to have a gala event to celebrate, since my doctor had withheld permission for me to travel. The event was marvellous, with many of my close friends there to share with me.
When I turned 40, I was horribly depressed. I didn’t want to be 40. It sounded like I was old, passé, ready to be turned out to pasture and beyond help. I felt like I had failed in many of my goals, and that I would never accomplish anything worthwhile. My friends did come out to celebrate, but I kept it very low-key, and issued a ban on any commemorative “you’re 40” material. I spent time comparing myself to my contemporaries and colleagues, and felt that I hadn’t accomplished anything. I was full of regrets and recriminations.
Obviously a lot has changed. The tear through my life that happened 6 years ago caused me to reassess my priorities. There are still regrets, but they are few and mostly for things that are (and were) not in my control. I spend much less time comparing myself with others, and more time focussing on myself and the good things happening.
A lot of people showed up to celebrate with me this week. Many of my friends welcomed me to the “above 50” club... apparently misery loves company (hahaha) or else there’s some great prize on this side of the half-century mark. Perhaps there is — the need to prove myself is much less now; and there’s less need to please everyone. I am more sure of myself and am more comfortable expressing myself and protecting my boundaries.
The impact of this milestone isn’t lost on me. I’m now past the halfway mark in my life, and I have “more yesterdays than tomorrows” in my life. Even without the shadow hanging over me, I’ve passed the normal mid-point of a human life. One of the things passing through my mind is that of my legacy: what will people say and think of me. What have I done that is positive and enduring? What effect has my life had?
I would like to hope that I have helped people to feel welcome, accepted and loved. That I have helped people to develop to their best, and to share laughter with others. I want to believe that I have done more good than harm in my interactions with others. I know that people have said many wonderful things about me, as well as some harsh things. I appreciate the honesty of those who shared their thoughts with me, and I hope to correct the mistakes of the past.
When I turned 40, I was horribly depressed. I didn’t want to be 40. It sounded like I was old, passé, ready to be turned out to pasture and beyond help. I felt like I had failed in many of my goals, and that I would never accomplish anything worthwhile. My friends did come out to celebrate, but I kept it very low-key, and issued a ban on any commemorative “you’re 40” material. I spent time comparing myself to my contemporaries and colleagues, and felt that I hadn’t accomplished anything. I was full of regrets and recriminations.
Obviously a lot has changed. The tear through my life that happened 6 years ago caused me to reassess my priorities. There are still regrets, but they are few and mostly for things that are (and were) not in my control. I spend much less time comparing myself with others, and more time focussing on myself and the good things happening.
A lot of people showed up to celebrate with me this week. Many of my friends welcomed me to the “above 50” club... apparently misery loves company (hahaha) or else there’s some great prize on this side of the half-century mark. Perhaps there is — the need to prove myself is much less now; and there’s less need to please everyone. I am more sure of myself and am more comfortable expressing myself and protecting my boundaries.
The impact of this milestone isn’t lost on me. I’m now past the halfway mark in my life, and I have “more yesterdays than tomorrows” in my life. Even without the shadow hanging over me, I’ve passed the normal mid-point of a human life. One of the things passing through my mind is that of my legacy: what will people say and think of me. What have I done that is positive and enduring? What effect has my life had?
I would like to hope that I have helped people to feel welcome, accepted and loved. That I have helped people to develop to their best, and to share laughter with others. I want to believe that I have done more good than harm in my interactions with others. I know that people have said many wonderful things about me, as well as some harsh things. I appreciate the honesty of those who shared their thoughts with me, and I hope to correct the mistakes of the past.
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