Learning and understanding

I got my booster today.  This is the Moderna bi-valent (specially designed to counteract the omicron variant.). I joked that I’m also all ready for the 5G implant, being magnetized, and all the other nonsense that’s been spread about this vaccine.  Don is due for his tomorrow, as we thought it best to spread them a little.  I don’t expect any adverse reactions as I had none to my other 4 shots, and in fact, I felt nothing as the needle went in.  Jerry got really short walks because of the rain and his house was invaded by my support worker, then we left for me to get my jab, so he’s sulking at not having met any of his dog buddies today.  I found it a challenge to wake up this morning — when I’m warm and cozy I have no real urge to crawl out from under the blanket and the dog to get out in the cold. Thanks to J & H, who, in addition to sending me some lovely flower pictures, pointed out that the reason I was in the dumps yesterday was probably because my sug...

I woke up this morning as a puppy pillow.  The comments from my siblings and a couple of close friends were “How is that different from any other day?” and “So what else is new?” I had to concede that they had something of a point, as it’s well-known that Jerry considers me to be part of the furniture.  This was emphasized today when I was sitting in my chair, typing an email to the bank, and Don went to the bathroom.  Jerry immediately  left his position on the sofa, where he had been curled against Don and batted my iPad off my lap and jumped up for cuddles.  He goes from one to the other seamlessly so he’s almost always in contact with one of us.  I was on the phone with a friend, and half of my conversation was me saying “Jerry, I’m on the phone.  Stop scratching me!”  My pharmacy delivery occasioned some sulks, as he was restrained while the guy brought in my mountain o’Ensure cases and stacked them inside for me.  My appetite is better,...

My back is being difficult. I've got an itch in a spot that I can't reach- and where I have no real feeling-that refuses to go. My sister has been acting as my back-scratcher at times, which sort-of helps, but the itch persists. I also noticed that I have sharp flashes of pain along my left arm with the itching. Because it feels like it's under my skin and I can't get relief, I tried using the door frame as a scratching post- not very helpful. Given where the itch is concentrated, we're now thinking that it's a nerve pain. My doctors had mentioned that the muscles, tendons, bones and  nerves in my back could take up  to a year to fully heal, and it's been 7 months. Aggravating, but I'll live with it. Jerry is still sulking at me. When I call, he looks up for me, then turns his back and doesn't respond to my calling him. He just lies there, not responding. I'm amused that he doesn't move his ears, even! He, instead, jumps on Don and starts, pl...

Hmm... Today I had difficulty waking up and staying awake. That's hard. My nurse arrived at 10, but I struggled to wake up by 9:15... the rest of the day I had problems with nausea and staying alert. Sigh. Jerry had no problem with being awake to jump on my lap and leaping around on me. He, and his tiny tail, were getting into mischief all afternoon! I'm thinking that having multiple birthdays might be a little over the top. I celebrate my birthday-June 26- for about a month. I also celebrate July 13 for a week (yes, there's overlap) because I was  in a medically induced coma for a week after my mega surgery. Of course, November 9, so that  makes 3. I'll probably add May 24 - the day of my most recent surgery. I don't count minor ones, like Dec 23, when we removed the blood clot.   So that's 4 "birthdays" 3 of which relate to surgeries tied to cancer. I'd prefer fewer cancer related incidents, frankly. I know that on balance, things are good. But i...

I had a late start today. I woke up very late, and it was a bit rough. My sleep was interrupted, but it was one of those mornings. I was a bit sluggish, to say the least. It's one of these mornings! I had several waves of nausea, and had to take a couple of my anti-emetics. Not fun. I had Jerry napping on me for a lot of the afternoon-he just makes himself very comfy and kicks me with his little jackrabbit kicks. He's right now "attacking" Don, playing tug o' war with him! He's pretend growling and nibbling on his  sleeve. Being a very silly little dog. He already tried (and failed) to mooch any of my dinner bao, so he transferred his attention to Don to persuade him to share his meal. Today marks 9 years since my first surgery. It's 9 years of living without my left kidney-and a 30-lb tumour. I'm glad that's gone, although I'd prefer to have kept my kidney.  obviously. I remember so many  details of that day, it's almost unreal. I can reca...

My lay minister was here this morning at 11 so I received Holy Communion, and we prayed for a bit.  Shh! Don't tell anyone, but I slept all afternoon. I apparently needed the rest, because I dropped off "as soon as my head touched the pillow" and I didn't stir for a solid 3 hours! And the other reason for secrecy is that I didn't eat. I wasn't at all hungry, until after I woke up this evening. Then I had tea and grilled cheese.. I also, for reasons I don't understand, had a few episodes of nausea, which deterred me from eating more. Here's hoping that stops tonight so I can focus on being healthy! The tiny dictator spent part of the morning cuddling me and patting my tummy... when I made a phone call, he sat at attention and then curled up again on my lap. This evening, he took a flying jump onto my tummy and refused to get off. He's now in a heap with a blanket and sleeping with one eye fixed on me. He stayed on me while I spoke with my dad and th...

Status unchanged today. The heat continues to be oppressive a'nd muggy with high humidity, so it's very uncomfortable. I have developed a lot more empathy for Don, who suffers from COPD and my other friends who are asthmatic. I now better understand how they suffer in the humidity and in pollen season. It's remarkably difficult to take a breath, smell a smell, sniff a sniff... (bonus points if anyone identifies the source for that line! Helga, Joanne, Giselle, Heidi, Therese, Alana? 🤪) The weather also bolsters some negativity. I'm amazed at how often I find myself slipping into a depressive state lately, often tied to an episode of gasping for air. I am tempted to cancel any non- critical medical appointments and avoid phone calls from unknown numbers, Perhaps thankfully, my friends are all identifiable when they call, and they also tend to avoid unknown callers. They're also good at leaving pertinent voicemails and sending texts and emails, so I don't- miss a...

I confess to binging on Nutella. I haven't had any for years, then I yielded to temptation and got a bottle, and I've been hav'ing a slice of Nutella-on-toast every day for the past week or so. I'd forgotten that it was decadent and delicious! I'm not a fan of peanut butter - in fact, I only have peanut butter in a peanut punch or in a satay sauce - but Nutella is different.  I'm not one of those people who has "guilty" pleasures or talks about having food "without the guilt." I enjoy my food, and I savour it. So I'll have ice- cream and revel in its rich, creamy texture. I'll indulge in cheesecake; linger over chocolate tortes and generally luxuriate in rich desserts if that's what I'm doing. I don't choose to do "low fat, low-carb, low-cal" foods. Neither do I opt for much packaged foods, nor do I go for organic, free-range, etc. stuff so I'm admitting, freely, that I've been indulging in chocolate-haze...

 I had an early doctor's appointment today, so my insomnia worked in my favour. I was awake for 5:30, so had loads of time to wake up and eat breakfast before leaving for the hospital. It was a lovely, wet day, where I got sprinkled going into the hospital screening area.  I like it when it’s that gentle soaking rain like we had this morning.  It just encourages curling up under a blanket and being cozy.   How do you like the tiny photo bomber?  He decided that losing his lap privileges was worth being in the frame of every photo I took this morning… this was the picture that best captured his wicked plot of taking command of everything! My doctor is pleased with my general progress. He had last seen me about 3 weeks ago, and today I was able to walk in without needing a wheelchair, and I could sit up for my appointment. Both of these are advancements over the last one, where I had to lie down because of my back pain. We agreed that I'm probably likely to feel f...

I'm definitely sleep-deprived. It's not surprising, and not news, but it is both annoying and inconvenient! Today, though, I was able to get 3 uninterrupted hours of sleep this afternoon. So lovely. I'm feeling better again, and hoping for more good sleep tonight. It seems greedy, but honestly, 7 hours a night is supposed to be the average for people my age (really, for any adult/teen/child...) so I'll work on getting back up to closer to the average.  I’ve noticed that I’m still far too easily inclined to just fall asleep without warning (known as microsleep) which is unsafe at the least. Jerry, who is a bossy little monster, has parked himself on my lap and is not letting me have much space -LOL. He's been scratching at me and butting me to end up on my lap. He's also been trying to mooch my chocolate cookies, which is not happening. Every so often he smuggles in for a hug and is happy to have me pet his tummy. I had a very busy hour browsing the library's...

I'm learning, slowly, that there are some movements that will cause me significant pain, and un/fortunately, I won't know in advance what they are. Sometimes, an incautious jerk - like grabbing my pen before it falls to the ground - will send a searing pain along my back. More often, my hands will  just jump and I'll spill my glass of water. Doing my assigned stretches usually do not cause any. difficulties, but then doing my marching in place will have my knees go all wobbly. It becomes a guessing game as to whether I'm following instructions carefully or regressing into teenage crush-on-the -hottie mode! Although for that to work, I need a pin-up to ogle! 😝 (one, small, furry dictator complaining of neglect and starvation for you to coo at!  Yes, I’m in a rut!) I'm going to get a phone call or text in the morning about this next bit. I have this one friend who has a habit of asking whether I regret my decisions, particularly those related to surgery. For example,...

Today has been decent, on balance. My sleep is still erratic, which is unfortunate. On the up side, my pain seems to be better managed and I have more time when I'm not in agony. So that's a definite plus! I'm able to walk a bit again, even though the heat and humidity are still high. That's one of the signs that my meds are doing well-a week ago I'd have been in blinding pain due to the heat, instead of just having swollen feet and feeling sluggish. I'm working on maintaining my levels of gratitude, which is a tad challenging! I've also reached the point that I didn't expect to reach for a few years. I've been actually using my walker to go for walks, and I've taken the dog with me. That's an indication that I'm adapting to changes that I don't particularly like. People tried encouraging me to use it, saying that it might be helpful to me to adjust to using it, but I was very uncomfortable with the concept of relying on a very obviou...

  I attended my first post-lockdown party today. It was a Hawaiian-themed 17th birthday for a young man who I knew before he was a twinkle in his mother's eye. She was my first hairdresser when I moved to Canada all those years ago, and we became friends. I look back at the last 20+ years, and I am again amazed at the passage of time! I remembered when we were told of the impending arrival of this young man, and planned excitedly for his coming. It was also lovely to have a chance to catch up with my friend, her mom, and the rest of the family. We haven't, of course seen anything of each other in the last 18-20 months, and the lifting of restrictions yesterday meant a chance to gather in her back yard and interact at a safe distance. I'm honestly delighted to be able to celebrate with them, and to share in these family moments.  I'm touched that my friends have made it possible for me to share  their family moments over the past 20+ years that I've been in Canada. I...

  Today was very painful. I'd like to blame it on all kinds of things, but honesty demands that I admit to having over-exerted myself. I wanted to do several things, and I didn't wait for help but went ahead and tackled them myself. I'm paying for that. I feel the aches along my back that are overwhelming the pain meds, so I will go to bed early and get the rest that my body is demanding.. Thanks again for the several flower photos there-I got today. I'm really enjoying seeing them, even as I acknowledge that I'm going to miss most of the summer blooms this year. And another thank you to my high school friend who sent me pictures and video of her 2-year- old granddaughter ! dancing. She's a beautiful baby, but it's odd to realize that we're now of the age where some of us can be grandmothers! Age just sort of sneaks up on us, doesn't it? I mean, one day we're arrogant know-it-alls of 15 & 16, ready to conquer the world, invincible and immorta...

Seven years ago today I woke up from an induced coma 5 full days after my major surgery. As I've said, I count this as an extra birthday, and it's a celebration. So I had, not cake, but a custard-filled chocolate croissant from a Portuguese bakery. Absolutely  delicious! I had it with a cup of tea. I'll definitely keep that bakery in my directory!. It was a busy day also, with my physiotherapist; my PSW, conversations with my oncologist and a surprise drop off of supper.  I'm cautiously optimistic that my new pain meds are working, as I'm not in a lot of pain although it's been hot and humid. It's a win.  I need to switch a bit. My atheist friends can skip the rest. Consider yourself provided with a "trigger warning.”   To me, it is obvious that my continued presence is entirely by divine inspiration. I don’t  know for what purpose I'm here, nor do I know what benefit I bring. I do know that I am happier and more serene than I’ve been in the last 9 ...

  I took this picture 7 years ago today, just before my life-altering surgery at the Ottawa hospital, General campus.  It was a weekend that Helga spent with me before and things were possibly very different for us.  The pandemic restrictions are very similar to the ones imposed on me since my big surgery in 2014 when I had several organs removed. This may explain why I had no reaction to being told that I'd have to stay away from others, wear a mask or generally maintain distance from people. Thankfully I don't require this to be made mandatory, but at least we know that it's possible to reduce the danger to others through our own actions. It's proof positive that we can effect change to public behaviour by changed policy.  This is  a good thing for us, because it means that there is hope for the future of humanity even with the many signs of insanity that exist in the world. There are many, many signs of it. I feel it's necessary to mention how I reacted back ...

Today’s entry will be short.  I’ve slept most of the day again, and it’s been VERY challenging to stay awake. I think at least some of that is due to the heat — it was close to 40C today! Then add in Ottawa’s famous humidity, and it was difficult for me to breathe too. I understand how hard it was for Don those days at the hospital.  It’s hotter here than in Trinidad, which I always find so strange. I did most of my routine; today: I took a walk downstairs to the car, picked up the newspaper from the lobby, took a shower, that sort of thing, then I felt asleep in my chair.  This annoyed Don a lot, because he says that it will hurt my neck, and then my back, so I have tried not to do it.  Today, though… I’m blaming the heat!  I just woke up after a delightful nap! and it’s late, so I need to take my meds and my supper and generally wake up before I sleep for the night. I’m still sleepy enough that I’ll probably sleep the night through again.  I see a convers...

  Woo!  I made it to the butterfly garden 🦋 🪴 with only 3 pauses during physio!  I felt marvellous about that, I admit. Then this afternoon I walked to the mosaic sculpture, which I saw from the hill on which the butterfly garden is located. Its another volunteer run place, which normally is used for growing vegetables, but right now has flowers. It’s all part of the  Children’s Hospital of Eastern Ontario  (CHEO) grounds which are beautifully maintained to encourage walking outdoors.  CHEO is part of the Ottawa Hospital complex. I’ve spent a lot of time at this hospital over the last 9 years, and I must say that they do a good job with the artwork and the gardens which help tremendously with mental health.  I’m often inspired by the paintings at the cancer centre, particularly in the radiation units. Truly awesome.  They are of Arctic landscapes or of wildlife, and are brilliant.  I’d be perfectly happy to never see them again, hone...

You know the expression “Into each life a little rain must fall,”?  Well, today was one of the less sunny days. Not outside!  For the last day of spring it’s utterly beautiful, with temperatures of 30C, bright sunshine and generally making me think of being on Maracas beach with some bake-and-king fish (since shark is on the endangered species list) and a beastly cold shandy.  Now that I’ve tormented myself, I’ll return to almost reality… It’s been a more than a month since I’ve been here so far, and I’m staying optimistic about being released Friday, so that is still a goal! This is another shot of the butterfly garden, where the plants are beginning to fill in. It’s still early days yet so the plants still have to cover the ground, so by the fall it will be more protected.  I understand that in the winter and early spring the ground cover stays in place to protect the limited food supply for the pollinators and related insects, so there is  dead plant matter t...