Learning and understanding

I was visiting my family in Trinidad & Tobago recently, and almost pulled my hair out over the antics on the road.  Here’s what I observed: Never turn on your indicator. Letting other people know your intentions just ruins your advantage. Stop signs, speed limits and red lights are for wimps. Nobody and nothing tells you what to do! Never yield right of way. Even if you're in the wrong. If you have a choice between allowing someone to pass or causing a 15-mile backup, see previous rule. If you have to pick up or drop off a passenger, or you see a friend going the other way, stop in the middle of the lane. No pulling to the side, or someone might get ahead of you. Even if you're 3' tall, buy the largest SUV you can find. Then drive down the middle of the street.  You’re stylin’! Using mirrors is only for checking hair, makeup and the effect of the spoiler on the trunk. When merging into traffic or overtaking, just pull out.  The other cars will just stop. If yo

When we have hurt or offended someone, we need to ask their forgiveness.  Sometimes, the only thing that’s required is a sincere apology but if the offense is great, we may need to do more in order to reconcile the relationship.  Both repentance and reconciliation are necessary steps in healing the hurt caused by the offense.  Call on your honest friend again, and undertake a review of yourself to find the wrongs that you have done. Honest repentance means that we are first aware of our failing and that we have a sincere desire to correct it and not repeat it.  What is the failing that you have committed?  Buddhism identifies that there are 10 negative karmas that are often the basis for all wrongdoing, including killing, theft, lying, deceit, spreading hatred, craving, adultery, “dissembling speech that is untruthfully florid”, false view and doing harm.  Once we have identified our failing, the next thing to do is to admit it.  Out loud.  In person.  This is frequently the hardes

Do you remember a time when you faced a choice of either battling through a difficult, painful situation or leaving it?  What were the factors that you considered before coming to your decision? This happens to each of us regularly.  The choice of whether to stay in a familiar job or take a new one; the choice of whether to remain in a relationship; the choice of whether to say something kind or cruel.  Every time we make a choice, it shapes who we are.  Each time we opt for anger over understanding, we become more angry.  When we choose to smile instead of frown, we become more cheerful. The power that our choices have on us is staggering.  We can choose to build successful, loving relationships by working together and finding common ways to resolve issues.  Or we can choose to be unhappy by working independently and assigning blame.  We can choose to stay in difficult, painful situations or we can break old habits and free ourselves. Making a choice frequently requires courage to

What is a sin? I’ve asked this many times, and the answers change with each respondent, but at the core, there are these definitions:  sin separates us from God; sin is anything that you enjoy; sins are the flaws within us; sins are inevitable and inescapable, so you might as well just do what you want.  How’s that for confusing?  I think, though, that the best and clearest explanation that I ever got was from a priest (who has since passed on) while I was at school.  He said that a sin is a pleasure that has been taken to excess, and which is carried out to the exclusion of others.  Doing so destroys a piece of ourselves, because we lose the capacity for true appreciation. All good things bring us pleasure, which is intensified when we share with others.  Food is a pleasure, especially when shared with loved ones.  But food as an obsession – when we are more concerned about the appearance, provenance, volume or exclusivity of the food – is much less enjoyable.  You don’t really ap

I confess to a guilty pleasure in watching infomercials, especially those for kitchen equipment.  I am entertained by the hosts (all of whom are “World Famous” even though I’ve never seen or heard of them before) who gush enthusiastically over the AMAZING BREAKTHROUGH!!!! represented by the product.  It’s intriguing to note that without the new product, I (as the average kitchen user) have spent thousands of hours and dollars doing everything WRONG.  This new product, they assure me, will solve the clutter in my cabinets; redeem counter space; slice, dice, mince and chop; cook meats from frozen and ultimately make me the envy of my neighbours, who will congregate at my house to be dazzled by my newfound kitchen wizardry. Then there are the beauty products, which guarantee to give me the looks of a supermodel, if I buy the product (shipped with amazing regularity.)  Or the fashion item that will take 15lbs off my waist if I wear it (modelled by a size 00 individual) and will turn me in

It’s the Christian season of Lent, and a time of fast and abstinence.  Fasting has a long history in all cultures, and is associated with drawing closer to the Almighty, or cleansing for the body and spirit.  At some point, everyone does a fast.  Whether it’s a self-imposed one the day after heavy indulgence (often accompanied by the groan “Never again!”) or deliberately done as part of another ritual (for religious, health or protest reasons) everyone has done it. Why do we do it?  Essentially, a fast allows us to better appreciate the abundance that surrounds us.  It can provide a better understanding of what is needed to sustain life, and what is a luxury.  Fasting is an indicator of plenty, because it is a choice to avoid something (a food or an activity) that surrounds us and which we normally share.  It’s a self-imposed deprivation, and should be entered into with joy and a desire to improve. The Bhagavad Gita calls fasting upavaasa , from the Sanskrit Upa meaning "near&q

I was asked “Shall we pretend that only fairy tales exist?” Yes.  Because fairy tales (or folk tales, nursery tales, Anansi stories or myths) are the tools that we use to let others know how to deal with problems.  Which would you rather?  Explain to a child that the world is harsh and evil, that wicked people are everywhere and that they are powerless against the harm or explain that although the world can be hard, there are good things to be found?  Would you rather tell someone that they are useless, worthless, wastes of time, or tell them that they have intrinsic value?  Because that’s what fairy tales do.  They take the dark, cruel, hard world, which is pitted against small, powerless you, and show that you can overcome by hard work, kindness and some luck. The tales compiled by the brothers Grimm, with which most of us are familiar, are dark and often terrifying.  They speak of cannibalism, murder, rape, incest, hatred and all of humankind’s vices.  Hans Andersen, writing out

(Notice a theme setting up here? ) It’s the year of the sheep, (specifically the Green Wood sheep), and as we’ve done for several years, my friends and I headed out for dim sum.  (Which is not exclusively a New Year event; it’s also a regular-weekend outing.)  Dim sum, rather like mezze and tapas, is a shared eating experience.  Lovely little plates of food are placed in the centre of the table, and everyone reaches in with her chopsticks to pick up her share.  (For the very fastidious types, we actually use serving chopsticks to pick up the dumplings and transfer to our bowls, then dive in with our personal ones.)  It makes for a sometimes messy meal, with the occasional friendly dispute over who gets the last har gow and trade-offs for the sui mai and jiaozi .  It’s family-style dining at its best.  Sharing a meal is one of the major bonding situations in life.  When we sit to eat with others, we’re providing nourishment, physically, emotionally and spiritually.  A shared meal w

"If we cannot end now our differences, at least we can help make the world safe for diversity." John F. Kennedy Like every other Trinidadian, I grew up in a diverse society that was basically homogeneous.  .  National holidays include Easter and Christmas and Diwali and Eid.  My neighbours were Hindu on one side, Muslim on the other, and Orisha across the street.  My classmates (at a Roman Catholic school) included not only Catholics, but Muslims, Hindus and a closet atheist.  We all spoke English; our families had been born and raised in the Caribbean for at least 5 generations, and we had a shared heritage of colonialism, with all its attendant facets.  Then, as an adult, I moved to Canada, where I fully experienced a diverse society.  This was one where people were not only of Indian ancestry, they were Indian immigrants.  There were religions that previously had been only names… and there were people who had never experienced what I considered to be “normal” events, lik

The latest addition to my cookbook collection are several French Caribbean books on desserts (including cakes, confectionery, pastries) – there are 3 books in all, each of which focuses on one area.  I have long ago admitted that many of my books are for display only as there is not enough time in a human life to try all of the recipes, although they certainly work for inspiration!  But these desserts may actually make it into reality.  The really enjoyable thing about them is that they take tropical fruits and turn them into delightful confections.  What would you say to a curry and grapefruit tart?  On the surface, it seems counterintuitive, but on reflection, the curry does work well with the strong tang of a grapefruit.  (full disclosure:  it’s a pinch of a mild curry powder into 1 1/2 cups of grapefruit pulp.)  I love the mixtures that are highlighted in this series. Anyone who enjoys cooking has also managed to have some experiments that were less than successful.  (I remembe

This is part 4 of the discussion on meetings. Committees and working groups Talk about your bad rap!  Almost nobody wants to be part of a committee or a working group.  In fact, some of the funniest quotes about meetings are about committees.  I’m sure you’ve heard some of these quotes before! But there is no need for committees to be that painful!  (And no, I don’t enjoy them any more than the average person.)  Should you ever be asked to set up a committee or a working group or a task force (all variants on a theme.  Also included are “tiger teams”; “JAD groups” and “special assessments”) then please keep these considerations in mind: What exactly are you trying to accomplish?  You should know, before setting up the first meeting, what it is that you will be doing.  Are you advising on something?  Are you organizing something?  Are you reviewing?  Are you a community-based organization?  Be as clear as possible in defining your objectives. What are your timelines?  If you are

  I was digging through my bookshelves the other day, and found an old copy of a book on wardrobe planning and style development.  The advice in it, although current when I got the book, is now almost 20 years old.  But I was pleasantly surprised to find that much of the advice is still relevant. The takeaway from this is that fashion passes, style endures.  What was fashionable a few years ago (like neon leg warmers) may now be laughable or quaint.  The linebacker-like shoulder pads of the 1940s resurrected in the 1980s and made another brief appearance in the early 2000s.  But a classic single breasted jacket remained a wardrobe staple.  As did trench coats, a-line skirts and pumps. To avoid huge wardrobe bills and the ever-present complaint of “I have nothing to wear!” the best advice that I ever received was to have several classic, well tailored pieces (blazer, skirt, pants, button shirt and a full suit) that are mixed with a few trendy or transient pieces.  A good suit can be

Meeting discussion part 3. We’ve covered how to plan and run meetings in earlier posts, so today let’s take a quick look at how to make meetings more effective.  Today we’re mostly covering a list of DON’T items, to highlight and how things can go offline. Meeting participant So you’ve got a meeting to attend.  While the stress is on the meeting organizer, you as a participant have a definite role to play.  It is up to you whether the meeting is productive or a pointless round of talk.    What do I mean by that?  Well, the participants are why the meeting is happening.  Your voice matters to the outcome.  We’ve all been to meetings where there’s THAT GUY who makes the meeting really difficult.  You know the one – the person who: Shows up at the meeting late and asks to have everything recapped up to the point of his arrival; Does no preparation for the meeting, and wants to take time in the meeting to read documents before discussing; Wants to review completed discussions bec

  Me What’s happened to us?  It used to be that I would be eagerly counting the days until the snow flew, and I’d stand outside loving the cold air on my skin as I went about my day, wrapped in a warm coat.  It used to be that snow was sugar-white and sparkly, and made crunchy noises as I walked.  It used to be that walking over a fresh snowfall meant trying to step carefully so the footprints wouldn’t mar that unbroken white.  It used to be that getting home at the end of the day meant hot cocoa and warm blankets and coziness. But now… Now, when I hear that snow is on the way, I shudder mentally.  A week of cold temperatures causes heaters to be cranked up and even more mental shudders.  Every morning comes the wish “When will it be warm again?”  Winter, you seem to hang around too long.  Arriving in late October, staying until May – what do you think it is?  And the cold that stays and stays and stays… give a girl a break!  Oh, and the short days… this going to work and coming hom

A dear friend of mine works in informal conflict management in the workplace.  We met several years ago, when I participated in a workshop that he was leading on Communication Styles.  We spent most of that session trading barbs and joking.  When, about a year later, we ended up in another workshop together, we became firm friends.  Over the years I’ve had to call on him to assist with dealing with different workplace situations.  (And we’ve had drinks together a few times, so it’s not all hard work!) One day, I was in his office griping about a problem, when I said “I wish I had a taser and the right to use it.”  We’ve laughed over my reprehensible thought many times.  But there are situations where things seem to get totally stuck and each of us is firmly convinced of the rightness of our position… and in that case violence sometimes emerges as the way out.  Whether it’s physical – hitting, shooting or worse – or verbal, where we may resort to insults, name calling or even shouting

Ever have one of those days when it seems like the world is out to get you?  You know the ones – starts with your alarm not going off, and burning the toast, then missing your connection, and getting to work 10 minutes late to find that your next day’s meetings are all moved forward? When you’ve screamed at the universe for the really bad, awful, dreadful, terrible timing, take a DEEP BREATH.  There.  And then take another one. And remember: The universe doesn’t hate you .  After all, who could hate YOU?  You’re wonderful, charming, intelligent and a delight to be around.  So, no, you’re not hated. People aren’t out to get you .  They want to give you hugs and gifts because you’re amazing, not have you punished. It’s just a bad day to help you remember that there are LOTS of fun and good things in the world that you wouldn’t appreciate as much if you didn’t sometimes have to do without them. So… smile your big, bright smile at the world, have another deep breath, and dive in to

Here’s part 2 of the discussion of meetings. You  have your meeting arranged.  The agenda is clear, tight and reasonable.  Attendees have confirmed, the room and facilities are booked and ready.  All eyes will be on you to deliver what you promised.  And you’re wondering whether this meeting will be another colossal waste of time like that one where they spent 2 hours discussing what a status of “red” meant.  (True story!) Here’s how to avoid one of those.  15 minutes before the meeting, ensure that all communications (teleconference, mikes, etc.) are set up and ready.  This gives you some time for corrective action if needed. 5 minutes before the meeting, take your place at the table.  The ends of the table are fine; everyone will turn to look at you.  My preference is the middle of the long side.  You can see everyone clearly, and you aren’t too far away from participants.  Ensure that the note-taker is seated next to you, so you can quickly check important information. Start a

Ignorance isn't bliss, but sometimes ignorance makes it possible for us to sleep at night. DEAN KOONTZ Google is generally your friend.  As is Wikipedia and all the other amazing search and information services on the ‘Net.  But sometimes… sometimes, it’s probably a good thing to not search for information. Everyone has had the experience of typing in a symptom into a search engine, and getting back a slew of possible maladies, ranging from the mild to the dangerous.  Have a headache?  You’ll get probable causes from a tension headache to a migraine to a brain tumour.  Stomach ache?  Anything from stress to an ulcer to stomach cancer. The stress gets worse if you’re recovering from something serious.  When you’re past the first stage of cancer, any new symptom feeds the thought “Is it coming back?”  If you’ve had a near miss, the thoughts then become “What if they were wrong?  Maybe I do have some serious disease.” Forget about looking up side-effects from medication.  Aspirin,

Show of hands:  Who loves to attend meetings?  And the follow up:  Who loves planning meetings? That’s what I thought.  Like so many of us, my day often seems like a string of unending meetings.  One notable day, in fact, I had 2 meetings on the same subject with 2 different sets of people; one of which was a status update on the other.  It was when that happened that I decided to take a stand.  Disclosure:  each meeting was organized by a different person, and the meeting topics were different.  It was only once we started that it became clear that they were both discussing the same thing. So, how can you manage to keep the time you spend in meetings to a productive level without having to work extra hours to catch up?  As the leader of a meeting, your first and most important task is determining the agenda.  If you don’t have one, then prepare to enter a meeting of DOOM.  Some questions that may help in arranging a meeting include: What do you need to accomplish?  Are you tr

Remember Pollyanna? I was thrilled to find a copy of both Pollyanna and Pollyanna Grows Up on Project Gutenberg a couple of years ago.  At the time, I wasn’t aware that there was a sequel, so I had a lovely day reading both.  (They’re quick reads.) Pollyanna goes through life playing the “Glad Game” and teaching it to others, with positive results.  The books have received a bad rap over the years for being “simplistic” and “syrupy” and I’m not about to defend either charge.  What I do want to do is talk a bit about the Glad Game.  The game focuses on “just being glad” – finding something good in every situation.  She says that it’s particularly fun when it’s difficult to find something to be glad about, and learns that it’s hardest of all when you’re in the unpleasant situation.  Isn’t that the truth, though?  It’s often easy for us to comfort someone else and not find the words to speak to ourselves in tough times.  How many times have we said to others “Chin up!  It’ll get bette