Learning and understanding

It would be great if I could get my energy a bit more consistently. I don't like feeling so sluggish all the time. I feel like a bit of a fraud, because I can do so little but I'm always tired! I'm happy to have Jerry who is a constant companion-even when he drives me nuts by not giving me space. He's always patting me or anted up on my lap. I tease my niece and ask her if she'd like to borrow a small, black dog, who's very affectionate, but she always refuses, saying that she couldn't deprive me of the cuddles! I'm going through my annual attack of PTSS, and it is, as always, disrupting my sleep and sending me into depressive state-. As much as I try to think of other things, it takes over when I'm alone, at night and awake. It will pass, I know, but in the mean time, I'm reliving the time 9 years ago, of my initial diagnosis.

I'm falling asleep on myself for the past hour, so this will be a brief update. I ate some rice and eggplant today. And then my dear friend dropped off some cheesecake because he thought I sounded down... I'm happy about that. That's so uplifting. Jerry, of course, is being cuddly and affectionate today. I'm heading off to sleep, and I hope that it'll help tomorrow. I'm wondering what exactly happened or why my energy suddenly nose dived. I'll try sleeping early and resting-Maybe I'll be able to get energized quickly? Until tomorrow, then…. Good night.

It was a beautiful, sunny, crisp Fall day today. Absolutely lovely. But I was also cold. I'm wearing socks and a sweater and I'm wrapped in an afghan, because I'm feeling chilled. I went for a walk today, which was close to double my usual length. I went to get my hair cut; the last  time - about 6 weeks ago - I had to have my hair washed at home before I was driven 2 blocks there and back. Today, I walked over and back, was able to get my hair washed in the chair, and then sat for the out and style. I call that progress! Don is not a fan of the new look, but (as he pointed out) it'll grow out. LOL Jerry napped on my lap this  morning, and again while I was video chatting with the family. On that note, I'm pleased to report that my phone is working again after a week. Huzzah! (or some other  similar noise!) Jerry is right now full of energy and is bouncing around like a rabbit on springs! I'll be ducking him for a bit. My appetite continues to yo-yo. I had a sma

Another small improvement today- pain is down a bit, as is the nausea. I'm pleased. I'm working on my appetite, but baby steps!   Jerry was hyperactive today. My nurse made an early visit - 9am - so Jerry was immediately suspicious that someone was going somewhere and he was determined they wouldn't leave without him! We finally got him settled and he curled up as usual. But not before he shredded an old cushion. I spent several hours on the phone with Bell technical support to try to resolve the issue I'm having with calling Trinidad. I started by asking for an update on the ticket that was opened yesterday. Apparently, those numbers are MBUI.  (Meaningless But Unique Identifiers) Nobody could read it! I repeated the story at least 6 times. I was disconnected twice. I spoke to every department  except TV. I was told that my long distance plan had expired. Then I was told that I'd need a tech to come to check my line... My frustration was skyrocketing. Finally I was

Slight improvement today. with a bit less pain, and a bit less nausea. My sleep was interrupted, though, last night. I didn't fall asleep until almost 3. I had thoughts of getting up and eating-I could feel that my sugar was low- but I didn't want to disturb the dog. I dozed off and on until about 8:30, and I feel wiped out today. I'm sure that it will improve. I ate some toast and tea and a vegetable samosa today. As for the pup, he pushed the plate out of my lap and parked himself there instead. He's been huffing disapprovingly for a while because of my crochet, which is in his spot. Sigh- my crochet remains  stubbornly unfinished. I can only blame Jerry for very little of that. A lot more is linked to either me falling asleep without warning, or else that my pain interferes with my crochet. Having conceded that I'm not going to meet any of my self-imposed deadlines, I'll just relax and enjoy it, and dream about some other fun patterns that I've downloaded

I've had a groggy day today, which goes along with the grey, grizzled, Fall day that's happening. I called the radiation oncology department to report my nausea and pain, so I could get a refill of my prescription. The doctor ordered a week's worth of meds in case I need it, but we all hope that I don't. Jerry spent the day asleep and snoring on my lap until I evicted him and then when he got fed. Then he was full of beans and scratched and played and let me know that he needed more attention. Silly puppy! So I have a question for you, please. Someone asked me and I answered but on reflection, I think that your collective wisdom. The question is: "What do you say to a nurse who refuses to be vaccinated but says "I was there working when there was no vaccine, and now you want to fire me'?" My response was that, briefly, the nurse has to comply with the requirements of the job, and a vaccine is now a requirement. Plus, how can you work in medicine and n

I'm struggling to stay awake today. I haven't done anything different, but I can barely keep my eyes open. I still feel like I'm wearing that belt of spikes, and my back is sore. So nothing new to report. Jerry is still being protective and has been guarding me. He's trying to beg bits of oranges from me. His allowed 2 pegs, but tries for more. He's done his guard duty and is curled up mapping in preparation for playtime later. I still can’t call Trinidad. I dial, I hear nothing, but it rings on their end. I was able to verify that by calling on a video chat and calling the landline simultaneously. I heard nothing on my end, but the phone rang and my sister heard me on the phone. So, having established that the call does go through, I called Bell to report the problem. The agent tried calling, but had the same issue I dud. She heard nothing. Her solution? To send a tech to my house to check the lines because there "may be an issue." I asked her how, since

  My body seems to be auditioning for weather predicting equipment. As it cools off, I feel sore It's annoying, I tell you. The belt of knives-that I'd be happy to lose!- remains in place. AND, most annoying of all, my hair is falling out. It's the result of stress following radiation. These are all annoyances because I know the causes, and none of them is serious, debilitating or genuinely problematic. But all at once... it's disheartening and depressing to see my hair falling. It's not as bad as with chemo, but troubling anyway. The tiredness will pass, but meanwhile I need to be careful. And the pain is just... I think Jerry senses that I'm not feeling great. Today he was  attached to me, and I couldn't take a step without having a furry shadow by my feet. He tried begging some of my omelette for supper. He wound up with a chunk of egg- and sniffed disapprovingly. He  probably thought it was more exciting. I'll probably be fined for calling it an omel

Still feeling sore and achy today. I feel like I'm wearing a belt of spikes that are stabbing me. It's frustrating and annoying and-  as mentioned- painful. I hope that it'll improve sooner than not. My appetite is still not restored, although I can tolerate looking at pictures of food. It's not always easy For some reason, my phone isn't letting me call Trinidad. It doesn't ring on my end, and I can't hear anything, although my aunt says that she can hear me. Also, if they call, I can chat with them. But it's free for me to call them, so I discourage them calling me. And as for the super-convenient apps that allow free VOIP calls-when dealing with seniors in the high 80's who are uncomfortable with technology, they are only useful if someone is at home with the apps on a smart- phone, which didn't happen today. So I have a problem to solve.   Jerry was perfectly happy this morning rolled in a ball on my lap. His repeating the experience by lying

  Day 1 after treatment. My body is letting me know that there will be repercussions for the radiation. I'm getting the first pains of tumour death-it's normal after treatment that  the tumour sends off pain as it dies from the radiation. That can last a few days, then I'll feel better. I've learned that I have several stages to go through, no shortcuts. It will pass, and I'll recover. I had Jerry on my lap, refusing to move. I tried pushing him off, he just grew extra limbs. I asked nicely, he just wriggled around and planted himself into my lap. I gave up and petted him, and he just snuggled in. He's persistent, and preposterous! I was watching the news a bit- not something I should do too often! There were, as usual, the stats for covid infections, hospitalizations and death. And recently, the numbers of unvaccinated among them. Sadly, they account for more than 80% of infections and over 90% of deaths. That is just... Those people are demonstrably stupid, se

Radiation is done. I rang the bell long and hard, then I left for home. It felt good to be out, and to be applauded by the team. Happiness! Jerry has been attached to me since I got out, except when my home-care nurse was here. My appetite is still not as it should be, but I had some soup this afternoon, and tea, I gave the teams a little "Thank you" token. They said, several times, that I didn't need to get them anything, but I appreciated how they cared for me. The cards were addressed to "Team Pomegranate" and "Team Passion Fruit" They laughed, and said it was going to catch on with the other teams. Fun! I'm off to sleep; I'm wiped out. Take care. Good night!

I need to be awake early, because my treatment is an early one tomorrow. Today actually worked out well-I got called in a bit ahead of schedule, so I finished early enough to meet up with a friend who had been getting her chemo  treatment in the same building. Jerry decided that he's going to be a barnacle today. I tried to throw him off my lap 5 or 6 times, and he seemed to grow a dozen or so extra limbs and dropped an anchor to hold him in place, then suddenly added 50-60kg to his weight... He howled pathetically when I got our of the car, and jumped on my lap as soon as I sat again. Did I mention that he's persistent? Someone came up with a brilliant idea, that I really have to share. Yesterday, I mentioned people who got upset at  the use of the word "niggardly," which essentially means "stingy." It bears no relationship to another, more troublesome word, but I thought that people were too thin-skinned. But my friend J said, "what if we got rid of t

It's that day in the year when sandals in Ottawa relocate to their winter lodging. My toes have been rounded up and corralled into "foot snuggies" (AKA "Socks") and are no longer free-range toes! Tragedy ! I'm excited to report that I had a small bowl of soup today. I am still struggling with a less than robust stomach. Two days more! Incidentally, in my session today, I asked the techs why they'd opted for such emo tunes? It was really sad! I said to them that they've saddened me. BTW, the 2 teams who look after me are now called Team Pomegranate and Team Passion Fruit. All fun! Jerry is stealing blankets to use as fortresses. When we pull out afghans on the sofa, he drags them onto the floor, makes a nest, and settles in! Woe betide you if you move it! He will allow me to drape a throw over my leg, but he settles on my feet instead. He pulls enough for him to lie on. Spoiled pupper! I’ve been thinking about how we use language as a weapon. It's

Sunday - a lovely, quiet day of rest. Except that my stomach persists in reverse mode, even after I've had my anti-emetic! It finally settled around 3 pm, I ate very little and I'm afraid of eating. I know that I need to eat, and I am, but I'm hesitant. I'll probably need to learn the best schedule for the meds, so that I can cover off the dose's titration properly. I hope that I can manage to work on the times appropriately. There an 3 more days of treatment, and I have 5 days of medication, so I hope that's enough. Jerry climbed into my lap after my lay minister left, and stayed there while we caught up on last night's episode of SNL, then he transferred over to . Don for a bit. He's again lap-jumping in hopes of being spoiled, hand-fed snacks and having massages! I'm beginning to panic and scramble. I had planned a couple of Christmas presents, one of which I need to order, and I'd started working on it. However, we're now past Oct 15, and

  I slept well, and a lot, so I was a bit slow this morning. It's been pouring rain since last night, which really doesn't inspire much activity! So we've all been dozing and recharging energy. While resting, my tummy decided to play up. most annoyingly. Luckily, I hadn't eaten much, but I'm still being careful of what I consume. Jerry is having a good time trying to maximize his petting opportunities He moves from one lap to the other, seeking the more attentive tummy masseur(se) He's so far been unable to get settled, because we keep moving LOL. I participated in the virtual wake/ prayer service for my cousin tonight. It was a family gathering of about 45 people; we did the usual commiserating about only meeting at funerals-sad but true. We have tried doing birthday gatherings, with generally good results, so it's possible to change the dynamic. The group fell quickly into the format for the prayers, with minimal hesitation. It occured to me that the famil

Yay! No throwing up today. AND I was in and out in record time. WOO! That 's a lovely way to end the week, ent it? My appetite is stel a bit behind where I'd like it, but... it will improve, right? Don was complaining that his sciatica was acting up this week, but he was moving slightly easier today, so I hope it's improving. Jerry was being a brat, and  stole a piece of chicken off my plate and at it despite being told to drop it. It was curried, and had a bone. He was fast, and jumped up and grabbed it as I was getting out of my chain. He's curled up on Don, seeking protection! I've  warned him that I won't per him if he throws up tonight. (You believe me, right?) It's a grey, cloudy Fall day, where the threat of rain was ever-present, but not actualized. (I don't like that word; it's inelegant, to say the least.) The colours are in full display, which is always lovely to see! I wish that I were more able to walk easily, so I could stroll in the ma

Where do I start? Well, I started throwing up when I first got up this morning, and I would not ease off, despite having taken 3 doses of my meds. (the third was an hour after the second) When I arrived at the Cancer Centre, the techs were very kind, and equipped me with a barf bag and handed me into the care of a nurse. She gave me a sub-lingual dose of a stronger anti-emetic, and that seemed to help. I got agreement to remove my mask. and we got through the session. The prescription for my anti-emetic was received by my pharmacy on Tuesday, and it was finally processed today. It was delivered this afternoon, so I started it tonight. I removed the mask just to help with some air while I struggled with waves of nausea. I got a lovely compliment from the young woman screening patients at the entrance She said, "You're always dressed in such lovely, bright colors! It's so cheerful!" the couldn't see my smile, but it was definitely on! I thonger.it was great of her t

Sigh. Two appointments in a row-last night and this morning-the machine threw a hissy fit, and my treatment lasted over 2 hours-for something that should take about 30-40 minutes. It's stressful because I'm lying in a not-too- comfortable position, and that puts pressure on my back, and therefore, pain. We've adjusted my anti- nausea meds, so at least that helps. My full prescription should arrive tomorrow. I hope that my appetite arrives with it! Don did the turkey dinner for Monday's  Thanksgiving meal.. It was delicious, but I had a very tiny serving which was almost too much. My year-old nephew can consume double what I ate with no difficulty. Jerry suspected that something was up this morning when I got up before 6am He was on full alert until he got his harness and headed to the car! He spent the drive snuggling against me until we turned into the Cancer Center driveway, then he was  stiffly alert. On the way home, he was again cuddly and affectionate! It will be

  I'm waiting for my treatment at the moment. Every week (in my case, Tuesday afternoon) I'm checked by my radiation oncologist to ensure that I'm doing well and that there isn't anything that needs extra attention. I had to come in an hour early, as my appointment is the last of the day, and 30 minutes after the end of the doctor's shift. At least the chair is comfy and it reclines, so I'm in serious danger of falling asleep while I wait! My doctor is very French, Parisian, and we only talk in French. I've learned vocabulary for all sorts of terms that I don't know well in English, either. Learning experiences are always to be encouraged! But he, like most of the other cancer centre staff, has been caring for me for 8 + years. Jerry and Don are waiting for me in the parkette, where Jerry can run around and bark at squirrels. He will be happy to climb in my lap when I'm done. (Spoiler:  he was and he did!) My niece and I were having a discussion on w

We can skip over the things that haven't changed-I'm sure that you're as bored as I am of hearing about the pain, nausea and exhaustion. I did have a lovely chat with my sister, dad and niece and we decided on the menu for one day soon. Plus we set up our weekday challenge, so it was a great conversation. Jerry is again being a snuggler. He jumps up into my lap, curls up in a ball and settles in_My niece was very amused to see him move my hand to rub his tummy and generally spoil him. He definitely likes being petted on my lap. He's feeling like himself again; I'm SO happy! Thank you to everyone who took the time to email and wish us a happy Thanksgiving. It's so wonderfully kind of you to include being thankful for me. I'm deeply thankful for all of you. Another early night tonight, I hope that I'll be able to get back some energy before tomorrow's session This is so draining! Enjoy your time with family and friends-I definitely hope that we can exp

More tiredness, aching, nausea... This sadly seems like "normal" these days. I'm not thrilled with that, as you can guess, even as I'm grateful to be here, griping about these problems. It's a bit challenging to keep a focus on what's good, instead of slipping into darkness. If the day ever comes when I can't find the good, I will rely on you all to come pull me back into the sunlight! Last night we had a few moments of flat out panic. Jerry started vomiting for no reason that we could see. He was doing that for almost an hour. Thankfully, he's settled, eating and drinking and active. He's climbed into my lap about 4 times today, and went with Don to the grocery. It's a huge relief that he's better, as you can imagine... I hope that he doesn't scare us like that again! He's getting extra spoiling today, and we're rechecking everything to try to identify what he might have eaten. It's Thanksgiving weekend here. As is traditio

I'm still struggling with tiredness. It's annoying to be this tired. I went to bed at 7 last night, and fell asleep shortly before 8:30. I slept until 9:00 this morning, waking up a few times during the night because of Jerry who seemed to enjoy dancing all over me! He tried to rearrange my pillows a few times, and to climb on top of me. It's fun, but I would prefer if he gave me a break sometimes! I'm still having some issues with nausea, although I'm thankfully not throwing up, but I don't want to eat. I won't go into much detail, but it's adding to my tiredness and appetite misbehaviour. The radiation tech team said that I'll need to go to the ER if it gets worse, and I’ll have to monitor carefully to ensure that I don't do too much. I got a call from my dad this afternoon-that's unusual on several levels! But it was to get me on a video call as 2 of my older brothers (who I haven't seen for YEARS) were visiting. That was absolutely ma

I admit that I'm unaccustomed to going anywhere for 7:30. I went  to bed shortly after 7 last night, tossed and turned for almost an  hour, and then fell asleep until 9:30 pm, and slept off and on  until my alarm went off at 5:45am. Made it in to the hospital on time, but there was a glitch. The area being treated showed an unusual change. So we paused the session while the techs contacted the doctor to review.. He agreed then the treatment could proceed. So at least that's done. I'm  very sleepy now- radiation fatigue is distressingly real! My next  treatment is Tuesday since Thanksgiving is this weekend. My role as dog bed is apparently secure. As soon as I get in the car after treatment. Jerry has settled in and arranges himself on my legs. When we get home, he parks himself on me. I can go nowhere on my own-I seem to need a tiny guardian! Falling asleep on my chair just means then he's comfy and I'm not moving. Another early night tonight, because I'm utterl

I had an excellent sleep last night. I had a solid 6 hours, plus some extra. I woke myself up so I wouldn't be late for my appointment. Except that I feel like I could sleep for a few more hours, and a low-level general ache, I feel ok. We were MUCH faster today! Since yesterday's session was mainly getting me aligned in the right position, today was easier. We were about 30 minutes, instead of 80. So the pain is significantly lower today. The team is great, and we're joking around a lot. I've suggested that they have to provide breakfast, as tomorrow's session is at 7:45 am! That's so... brutal! I'll definitely be in bed early. Jerry is spending every moment he can on my lap. He knows the road to the hospital and looks forward to his time at the park while I'm being treated. He's always excited when they arrive to collect me.. Then he smuggles against me in the car. I was thinking about the colleague I met yesterday, and I'm a little sad. I woul

This will be a short update  today. I had my first "fraction" of my 6th session of radiation  this afternoon. On the good side. I met an old colleague in the waiting area, also having treatment. We didn't have long to chat, but I'm looking forward to being able to catch up with her.   The session was over an hour long, which is much longer than we had anticipated, unfortunately. The sessions were supposed to be about 20 minutes long, but I needed to be positioned and  aligned on the table and (because it's me) it was a complicated process, involving 2 sets of teams to position me and align the equipment. I was in an awkward position- apparently the nighttime twists were practise for this session! After they got me lined up with the lasers, they were trying to  adjust the machine so that it could move freely around me. I had to take a break, because I was in pain. They made some changes while I stood, then we rearranged me for the treatment. I was in tremendous pai

I slept like a log again, and was dragged out of bed by the doorbell, and the arrival of the building manager and some workmen who were to do some repairs on the balcony. They didn't stay long. but the tiny alarm didn't approve of having his space invaded. He went off again a bit later when my PSW arrived to help me. Jerry then climbed on my lap, huffed in annoyance, and curled up to nap in protest of all the disturbances. I'm happy to report that my appetite is improving, and I had a plate of rice and my Thai chicken and bok choi chili-garlic-basil dish. I'll sort out something for supper soon; but it's nice to be hungry again! I've got several other items in the freezer for meals over a few days, so that's fabulous.  Small aside that my radiation therapy starts tomorrow, so that will occupy my time and thoughts for the next few weeks   Today is a big day; it's my goddaughter Kristin's birthday. It's hard for me to realize how much time has pass

You'll have noticed that I sent out my update quite late this morning, and that's entirely due to my having had a lovely sleep! I I took almost an hour to fall asleep, but once I did, I was out like a wet candle! Jerry was lying across my feet until I moved a bit, and he crawled up alongside me and moved my hand to pet his tummy. We lay there for a while, then I had to get up. He waited until I was settled in my chair and jumped into my lap where he spent a cozy couple of hours. He's now curled in a ball next to my feet. Spoiled puppy! I rested again today, because I had very limited energy. However, because I woke up so late, the day seemed to just slip past. I didn't do a lot, but I feel better than when I woke up this  morning. I'm not crazy about missing so much time, but I'm so low on energy that taking these breaks  are beneficial. I was craving Thai basil, garlic and chili stir fry for a couple of weeks now. I'd pull up menus for various places, plann

Ugh, Take it as read that my back has not been cooperating. Last night, I fell asleep quickly, but somehow managed to turn into a pretzel. So I woke up after about an hour to find that my legs were badly cramping, and my neck was sore. I rearranged myself, fell immediately back to sleep, and awoke again in a twist. This morning, my neck was stiff and sore, my legs didn't want to hold me up and my stomach had somehow got set in "reverse" gear... I got up, relocated to my chair, and waited for my lay minister. I'm always happy when he brings me communion, and when he arranges for me to receive other sacraments.  I'm reminded that I'm part of a community and not a sad, isolated patient. You will not be surprised to learn that Jerry is not pleased when my lay minister (or my nurse) is here, because he's sent into another room with Don instead of being allowed to run wild. I have tried, but he's so hyper that it's risky. He might knock over things and t

  Still dealing with that annoying pain in my back. I've been pausing in my activities every 10 - I5 minutes to sit and rest before I resumed what I was doing. I cooked some sweet-and-sour pork tonight, pausing twice. It's very annoying to me. I had a lot of difficulty falling asleep last night. I finally did around 2:30am, and I woke up at 8:30. Exhausting and annoying! Jerry spent as much time as he could curled up in my lap. He hopped up early this morning, got evicted for a minute, then  crawled back up. Any chance he got, he returned to my lap and just settled in! I don't know if I mentioned that he's dreadfully spoilt and bossy? Because he is! And he's so sweet and loving, so I just spend time scratching behind his ears, patting his tummy and being snuggled. We had a chat this afternoon, full of nostalgia. Don was reminiscing about summers when he was a boy, and he and his friends would hitch-hike the 10 km from his home town to  a nearby lake several times a