Who am I to disagree?
“The thing that I hate,” said this person, apropos of nothing, “is feeling pitied. I think you’re so strong, and so brave. I really hate it, though, when people start looking at me with pity.”
OOOOK. As mentioned, that came out of nowhere, and I decided that it would kill that conversation. I’ve been thinking about it since, and it became important to understand both the statement and its intent. Pity means to feel sadness for someone else’s difficult situation. The other meanings include disappointment (it’s a pity that...) and to do something for someone because you feel sorry for them.
We all know people who go out seeking pity. We call them victims, we sometimes think of them as weak, especially when they seem to keep falling into the same rut. But pity is not a weak emotion, and it can lead to some strong actions. Not, I must emphasize, in the form described by the Austrian dramatist, Nestroy. A very rich man sees a starving beggar on top of the stairs leading to his palace, and says to his servant, “Throw this beggar down the steps; his misery breaks my heart!”
Pity moves people to try to alleviate suffering, to be sure. Being on the receiving end can be challenging, especially for our society. There’s a good deal of ingrained “I’m not a charity case! I can do all things myself!! How dare you think that I need help!” Please feel free to refute this, but that’s my observation. Personally, I do understand that. I prefer to be seen as the strong one, the one you come to for help, the supporter. It is difficult to accept that sometimes I need to be helped, and it’s even more so to ask for help. I’m gradually adjusting, but it’s still galling to realize that I’m tied to others for help.
I was leaving the chemotherapy unit after treatment one day recently, and probably looked about half as bad as I felt. I was fumbling with my coat, gloves and cane (it was one of those really cold days) and my fingers refused to work. Stuff cascaded from me, and I couldn’t stop them... suddenly on the floor were my gloves, my bag, a couple of dog poop bags (the discerning dog parent always has an empty one stashed in a pocket) and it was only chance that had my cane lean against the wall and not crash to the floor with everything else. I almost burst into tears, and I know I swore gently, as I tried to collect my things and my composure. A woman who was waiting for her friend put down the tray of coffees she was carrying, and exclaimed, “You poor dear! Here, let me help you!” And suited the action to her words, picked up and arranged my stuff so I was able to walk into the elevator looking mostly composed. That was an act of pity, and I’m grateful for it, even if not for the situation that caused it. A minor act, to be sure, but one that I like to think was motivated by a sense of compassion for someone who was clearly, in that moment, unable to function.
I’m also thankful for the pity that my medical team demonstrates. They could, easily, be like some nurses that I’ve had who were adamant that my poor reactions would not change the treatment in the least detail. I remember asking for pain relief and being told that I should stop annoying them. A very different experience from my more recent treatments, where there are attempts to ensure that I don’t endure pain needlessly.
I think that the person I was talking to meant that they didn’t like the pitying looks that can come from others. Plus there’s a sense of obligation that develops, and we don’t like feeling that we owe others. There’s that independent, tough spirit at work again! As I’ve said, it’s hard for me to ask for or accept help. Thankfully I have friends who often provide help without making it obvious for me to have to ask. Like the ones who call to say, “I’m at the grocery, text me your list and I’ll pick up stuff for you.” Or the ones who say, “I’ll drop off lunch for you, I made too much.” I know it’s inconvenient for them, but it helps that I don’t have to find the energy to cook. I’m thankful for the pity that moves them to do this.
Do you agree that pity can be a good thing? Have you been on the receiving end? Or have you shown pity to others? Share in the comments, please!
OOOOK. As mentioned, that came out of nowhere, and I decided that it would kill that conversation. I’ve been thinking about it since, and it became important to understand both the statement and its intent. Pity means to feel sadness for someone else’s difficult situation. The other meanings include disappointment (it’s a pity that...) and to do something for someone because you feel sorry for them.
We all know people who go out seeking pity. We call them victims, we sometimes think of them as weak, especially when they seem to keep falling into the same rut. But pity is not a weak emotion, and it can lead to some strong actions. Not, I must emphasize, in the form described by the Austrian dramatist, Nestroy. A very rich man sees a starving beggar on top of the stairs leading to his palace, and says to his servant, “Throw this beggar down the steps; his misery breaks my heart!”
Pity moves people to try to alleviate suffering, to be sure. Being on the receiving end can be challenging, especially for our society. There’s a good deal of ingrained “I’m not a charity case! I can do all things myself!! How dare you think that I need help!” Please feel free to refute this, but that’s my observation. Personally, I do understand that. I prefer to be seen as the strong one, the one you come to for help, the supporter. It is difficult to accept that sometimes I need to be helped, and it’s even more so to ask for help. I’m gradually adjusting, but it’s still galling to realize that I’m tied to others for help.
I was leaving the chemotherapy unit after treatment one day recently, and probably looked about half as bad as I felt. I was fumbling with my coat, gloves and cane (it was one of those really cold days) and my fingers refused to work. Stuff cascaded from me, and I couldn’t stop them... suddenly on the floor were my gloves, my bag, a couple of dog poop bags (the discerning dog parent always has an empty one stashed in a pocket) and it was only chance that had my cane lean against the wall and not crash to the floor with everything else. I almost burst into tears, and I know I swore gently, as I tried to collect my things and my composure. A woman who was waiting for her friend put down the tray of coffees she was carrying, and exclaimed, “You poor dear! Here, let me help you!” And suited the action to her words, picked up and arranged my stuff so I was able to walk into the elevator looking mostly composed. That was an act of pity, and I’m grateful for it, even if not for the situation that caused it. A minor act, to be sure, but one that I like to think was motivated by a sense of compassion for someone who was clearly, in that moment, unable to function.
I’m also thankful for the pity that my medical team demonstrates. They could, easily, be like some nurses that I’ve had who were adamant that my poor reactions would not change the treatment in the least detail. I remember asking for pain relief and being told that I should stop annoying them. A very different experience from my more recent treatments, where there are attempts to ensure that I don’t endure pain needlessly.
I think that the person I was talking to meant that they didn’t like the pitying looks that can come from others. Plus there’s a sense of obligation that develops, and we don’t like feeling that we owe others. There’s that independent, tough spirit at work again! As I’ve said, it’s hard for me to ask for or accept help. Thankfully I have friends who often provide help without making it obvious for me to have to ask. Like the ones who call to say, “I’m at the grocery, text me your list and I’ll pick up stuff for you.” Or the ones who say, “I’ll drop off lunch for you, I made too much.” I know it’s inconvenient for them, but it helps that I don’t have to find the energy to cook. I’m thankful for the pity that moves them to do this.
Do you agree that pity can be a good thing? Have you been on the receiving end? Or have you shown pity to others? Share in the comments, please!
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