Things you don’t understand
It’s been 10 weeks of lockdown, where our movements have been curtailed to try to slow the spread of the novel coronavirus covid19. I’ve gone through several stages, from frustration through depression to indifference. Frankly, I cycle through them so that there are days (or hours) when I feel optimistic, to be followed by a crash and a sinking depression that sucks all of my joy.
I’ve had recommendations to document this period, so that I and others can look back on it and remember what it was like living through this pivotal period. Every time I started, though, the waves of sadness would just wash out my ability to write, or think or share. I can say that the things that stand out most from the last 3 months are the following. Bear in mind that I’ve edited them, just because I need this to be able to cope with life, so the worst of it is omitted.
Days bleed into one another. If not for my iPad, I wouldn’t know Monday from Friday. Weekends are meaningless— but they were before this happened too. My weeks, although generally wide open, also had structure where I spent time with friends, keeping a link to a life that was increasingly distant from my reality. But with the lockdown, one day is identical to all the others. The only changes were whether or not there is Mass at 10am or noon. Whether I woke at 7, 9, 10 or noon, the days were all the same.
People range from kind and considerate to senseless jerks. I’ve had check ins from friends who offered to pick up groceries or lunches or cans of drink. There’s a small group of us who call and check on each other regularly, and that life seems more regular. But there are other people who are obviously selfish, and who demonstrate this by coughing openly, or worse, those who attack workers and who are more selfishly interested in themselves than in helping others. Luckily, my encounters with the latter type are mainly through social media, where I can shake my head at them and scroll past.
I haven’t had to go to the grocery in almost 3 months, and my basic requirements are covered. I’m thankful for my large freezer which has enabled me to have enough stockpiled to last for a while and provide meals for over 3 months. I know that there are others who do not have that cushion, and I’ve done what I can to assist. There are others who can do more than I can, and God bless them for their humanity.
When the weather was cold and wintry, it was easier to stay indoors and not want to go out. As it warms up, though, there’s a real struggle. We have gone for short drives recently, just to get out of the house and see something other than the living room! It’s been nice to see roads that are not clogged with cars, and to breathe downtown city air that does not smell of gas and exhaust. It’s also odd to look up an not see the contrails of aircraft overhead, just puffy little clouds. I’m sure that these will return, but in the meantime, it is an experience.
There were days when it didn’t seem to make sense to get out of bed. Where eating was a chore. When the news just kept getting grimmer and grimmer. Where my prayers felt empty. When I didn’t want to see or speak to anyone, whether or not they were in my home. When I thought that I would not wake up the next morning, and I didn’t care. I’d get texts from friends and not answer, because it felt like too much work. Those days were the worst. I relied on all of the tools that I had to manage my reactions, and sometimes they were not enough. The one thought that worked was “this too shall pass.” Sometimes hard to accept, especially when the mother of a dear friend died, and nobody was allowed to be there and her funeral is still pending over a month later.
It’s not over yet. At this stage, we’re anywhere from 1 to 2 years away from resuming what was a normal level of activity. We don’t know when travel will be allowed again — I’m anxious to fly back home, but I’m in limbo like many others. Nor do we know when we can go out for meals in a restaurant. Take out has been great, but it’s not the same. And I miss my friends. Video calling is a poor substitute for live interaction.
I think that an apt motto for these times is this:
“ All shall be well, and all shall be well and all manner of thing shall be well.”
―
I’ve had recommendations to document this period, so that I and others can look back on it and remember what it was like living through this pivotal period. Every time I started, though, the waves of sadness would just wash out my ability to write, or think or share. I can say that the things that stand out most from the last 3 months are the following. Bear in mind that I’ve edited them, just because I need this to be able to cope with life, so the worst of it is omitted.
Days bleed into one another. If not for my iPad, I wouldn’t know Monday from Friday. Weekends are meaningless— but they were before this happened too. My weeks, although generally wide open, also had structure where I spent time with friends, keeping a link to a life that was increasingly distant from my reality. But with the lockdown, one day is identical to all the others. The only changes were whether or not there is Mass at 10am or noon. Whether I woke at 7, 9, 10 or noon, the days were all the same.
People range from kind and considerate to senseless jerks. I’ve had check ins from friends who offered to pick up groceries or lunches or cans of drink. There’s a small group of us who call and check on each other regularly, and that life seems more regular. But there are other people who are obviously selfish, and who demonstrate this by coughing openly, or worse, those who attack workers and who are more selfishly interested in themselves than in helping others. Luckily, my encounters with the latter type are mainly through social media, where I can shake my head at them and scroll past.
I haven’t had to go to the grocery in almost 3 months, and my basic requirements are covered. I’m thankful for my large freezer which has enabled me to have enough stockpiled to last for a while and provide meals for over 3 months. I know that there are others who do not have that cushion, and I’ve done what I can to assist. There are others who can do more than I can, and God bless them for their humanity.
When the weather was cold and wintry, it was easier to stay indoors and not want to go out. As it warms up, though, there’s a real struggle. We have gone for short drives recently, just to get out of the house and see something other than the living room! It’s been nice to see roads that are not clogged with cars, and to breathe downtown city air that does not smell of gas and exhaust. It’s also odd to look up an not see the contrails of aircraft overhead, just puffy little clouds. I’m sure that these will return, but in the meantime, it is an experience.
There were days when it didn’t seem to make sense to get out of bed. Where eating was a chore. When the news just kept getting grimmer and grimmer. Where my prayers felt empty. When I didn’t want to see or speak to anyone, whether or not they were in my home. When I thought that I would not wake up the next morning, and I didn’t care. I’d get texts from friends and not answer, because it felt like too much work. Those days were the worst. I relied on all of the tools that I had to manage my reactions, and sometimes they were not enough. The one thought that worked was “this too shall pass.” Sometimes hard to accept, especially when the mother of a dear friend died, and nobody was allowed to be there and her funeral is still pending over a month later.
It’s not over yet. At this stage, we’re anywhere from 1 to 2 years away from resuming what was a normal level of activity. We don’t know when travel will be allowed again — I’m anxious to fly back home, but I’m in limbo like many others. Nor do we know when we can go out for meals in a restaurant. Take out has been great, but it’s not the same. And I miss my friends. Video calling is a poor substitute for live interaction.
I think that an apt motto for these times is this:
“ All shall be well, and all shall be well and all manner of thing shall be well.”
―
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