Battle lines being drawn

The conversations that we have with others are a constant source of ideas and inspiration. They can challenge our thinking, reinforce ideas and open us to new possibilities. I’ve found that sometimes it’s really easy to fall into a rut, where we only talk to a few individuals, repeating the same information, and not getting any variety. It’s comforting, but ultimately deadly, because we stagnate and we all know that stagnation is death.   I noticed, over the years, that sometimes the same idea can appear in different places around the same time. “Serendipity,” you say, 

In the last couple of weeks, people have been raising the idea of the things that we should be doing.  “I should be doing yoga”; “I should be avoiding carbs”; “I should be blogging more frequently,” and so on. I’m guilty of it, and I’ve found myself feeling guilty because I haven’t done any of the things that I think that I should have done. That’s the problem though; we feel a lot of guilt, then we begin the negative self-talk, and we’re further away from the goals we set ourselves when we should be doing something. 

The odd thing is that we make these goals with the aim of making ourselves happier, healthier, more connected or more resilient. We’re working to improve things. So if I’ve realized that I feel sluggish, then I know that increasing my level of activity will make that better.  Somewhere in there, I need to choose the form of activity that best suits me... walking, running, dance, swimming, sports... there’s a long list. If I’m not sure, and I turn to media to help, there’s a plethora of advice as to which is the best, which provides the fastest results, and so on.  Choosing can be fun — if you don’t take it too seriously— or stressing, if you try to reconcile all the conflicting ideas.  

Everyone has heard of the “get rid of it if it doesn’t bring you joy” principle. Like everyone else, I obtained the book and read it.  I began following the advice, but found that it just added stress... mostly because of the (in my opinion) remarkably stupid comment about not needing more than 4-6 books. When faced with the thought that I should get rid of my books, I actually felt my stress mushrooming. Interacting with others, I also feel that I should be doing more - getting ready to run in marathons (or half marathons); or planning hikes or volunteering or... I feel horribly guilty saying that I don’t have my days heavily planned. I’d like to commit to a planned schedule, but there are days when my biggest accomplishment is getting out of my pyjamas and wearing a bra. (That’s particularly impressive if it hooks in the back. Long story). I beat myself up for not living up to the expectations of women’s magazines, where I should wake at dawn, go for a run or do yoga, become vegan, educate others on social issues, etc. I have projects  that I start, and then pause and restart, and they keep me sort of occupied, but when someone asks, “so what do you do all day with yourself?” I feel lazy, useless and inept and I think that I have to justify why I haven’t managed to win a Nobel yet. 

Ironically, when people turn to me with their feelings of guilt, I will ask them if they are healthy, happy, and otherwise fulfilled. Then I’ll ask if they’re challenged, and if not, I encourage them to stretch themselves a bit, because (as I explained to my niece) we learn nothing when we’re comfortable and unchallenged. I’ll even chat with them about what they enjoy doing so that they can get to their goals minus the guilt. So when someone said to me that she really should be exercising more, and that she perhaps should try running, which she didn’t really enjoy, we talked and she opted for another form of exercise that she enjoyed more.  Then I turned to myself and my list of shoulds and decided that they were too stress-inducing and just added another to the list!  I really should get better at taking my own advice!

So I’m going to make a promise to myself that I will be more forgiving of myself and I will consign the list of “I should “ to the outer darkness, where there is weeping and gnashing of teeth. Instead, I will focus more on the things that I can do and which I enjoy.  I will ask myself the same questions as I ask others, and treat myself as gently as if I were precious. And when I cross that line, I promise to be firm but kind and return myself to a point of recognizing my accomplishments.