There was this little old man out in the snow...

This is how Don would start some of his more outlandish stories "There was this little old man out in the snow, and he said..." following on from that would be something really silly. The (real!) stories below are in that vein... I don't know whether the people were expecting to get away with what they were doing, but this is what they offered by way of explanation.

You need to drain all the liquid in a can of beans and rinse them thoroughly before using, because the liquid is poisonous.

I've only been doing this job for a year; I don't know how to do it.

What do you mean, you need me to tell you how much it costs? I've only been running this for the last 18 months, I don't know what it costs!

You haven't provided sufficient proof of competency in English to qualify. The last exam you took in English was in 1977, and although you have since obtained a Diploma, 2 Bachelors' Degrees, 2 Masters' Degrees and are a PhD candidate, all in English, from 2 UK universities, this is not sufficient to demonstrate that you can read, write, speak and communicate in English. (Actual refusal letter sent to an applicant for a Canadian visa.)

I think that your bosses are all crooks and assholes, and should be shot. I don't know how you could possibly work for them as long as you have, they're all liars. But do you have any vacancies?

I can't move with the rest of the group... the filing cabinet in the office is pink. I can't have a pink filing cabinet.

You don't get the discount because your purse is too ugly.

I'm here to tell you that my wife didn't come in to work with me because she's snowed in and can't make it to work today.

I just came back from vacation this morning, and I'm too stressed to do any work, so I'm going back home now.

I just wanted to say that I'm quitting my job to join my retired husband who's received a promotion that requires him to relocate to Washington.

I just came in to return my rental car to avoid late fees, and thought I'd drop in to tell you that I'm too sick to come in to work today.

"Well, we thought that our 80lb ice fishing hut was starting to sink, and the ice was getting soft. So we drove our fully loaded half-ton double-cab pickup out onto the lake to retrieve it. The ice didn't bear the load, and the truck went through the ice and we were in trouble, and it was real difficult getting out... I think the government should post warning signs to say when the ice can't bear too much weight so people would know it's not safe to drive on the lake any more. I'm going to start a campaign for that."

"I'm quitting this French class. The teacher expects me to actually speak in French!"

"You're not doing a good enough job at convincing me on why I should accept this permanent job, over the other job where I am still temporary and only may get a full-time position sometime in the future.  That's your main weakness.  You're no good at convincing people to do things."