Knowing what someone is feeling

Having lunch with a friend one day about a month ago, he said to me, “You know, Cros, some people just don’t know how to apologize.  I had to point that out to someone just yesterday, when she said ‘If I hurt your feelings…’”

It took me a moment to realise what he meant, but when it did, there was a little mental *boom* and light dawned!

We use language carelessly sometimes.  We use the form, without paying attention to the meanings or the intent.  And this was one of those situations.  “I’m sorry if” translates as “I’m not really sorry, but in order to shut you up, I’ll say it.”  The better way is just to say, “I’m sorry for hurting your feelings. It was thoughtless of me.  I apologize.”

No explanations,no hedging, no qualifications.

Similarly with giving a compliment.  I’ve heard some lovely backhanded remarks like “That was such a lovely style when it was in!” or “How do you have the courage to wear that?”  Each of those sounds complimentary on the surface, but slips in a barb. 

Other remarks include gems like:

• “We did that once before” (when the new guy suggests including tea in the break room offerings)
• “That’s an interesting idea, but,” (when someone wants to introduce something new)
• “Thanks, I appreciate the thought.  I would have preferred, though…” (when someone does you a favour) and
• “You look so healthy!”

These all hedge a compliment.  Be honest and kind, but direct.  Avoid focussing on the negative aspects of whatever you were asked about, and instead highlight a positive.  While the idea may be a spin on an old one, there’s a new element that may warrant a look.   Saying that someone looks healthy suggests that you think they’re actually ill – you may say “You look lovely,” or “You’ve got such a vibrant air about you today.  What’s new?”

If your friend tries on an unflattering dress and asks for your opinion of it, say, “I think that it’s not your best look.”

If someone asks for your thoughts on their suggestion to have mandatory zumba classes at break, say, “Perhaps ‘mandatory’ is too strong.  Maybe we can see who would be willing to commit to a couple days a month and build from there?”

And if asked whether you agree with not qualifying a compliment or an apology, you say, “Is that the time?  Sorry, I need to be somewhere 10 minutes ago!”