Rest

Sunday as a day of rest… I have to say that I like this.  I woke up several times during the night, but I’ve decided to resume my routine so I was awake at a reasonably early time and I plan to go to bed not too late tonight in the hopes that I can get a schedule in place without exhausting myself.  Jerry found a comfy spot last night, lying across my tummy, and he had a decent sleep (I think) until about 5am, when I was ready to throw him out.  He let me go back to sleep until 9.  He’s been in his vigilant state, sitting on me and trembling with anxiety.  I don’t quite know how he knows, but he’s aware of the schedule for my support workers; he jumps on my lap and watches the door when they’re due, even if I haven’t moved or said anything about them!  Don’s feeling like himself, except for a swollen and red ankle which remains painful.  He was hungry, and has been having a good meal.  There was a sports game on today, which occupied a good part of his afternoon, plus he got his computer back up and running, so he’s in good form.

I’m cautiously reporting that my taste seems to be returning.  Many things still have little to no flavour, but I had some of a club sandwich, and I could taste the chicken and bacon.  Plus after last night’s party, I was sent home with a few items and I had a bit of one package, so I had a little something to eat.  I really hope that I’m getting to the end of this phase!  I’ve got a list of craveable foods that I want to get to eating!

I finally finished reviewing the list of grant applications that were assigned to me, and submitted them this afternoon (they’re due tomorrow.)  It’s challenging doing some of the ratings, as you don’t want to discourage students, the work is fascinating, potentially life changing, but not everyone is going to win.  I can’t assess the technical value of the proposals, so everything sounds awesome to me, and I’m worried that I might accidentally exclude someone who’s really deserving.  There are several of us who review each paper, with at least 2 specialists who each give their opinions, plus the whole group (usually around 20 people) contributes to the final evaluation.  I worry that I might have inaccurately downvoted someone, or that I gave too much credit to another, or that my evaluation is way out of step with the other reviewers.  There’s no real way to address those nerves until we actually meet in a week’s time and go through the papers.  Although, when I think back to my first meeting, I (hope) think that I’ve gained a better understanding of what’s needed — sneakily, the requirements also change, and how we’re asked to assess has become a bit more detailed, which is a help.  I’m glad I’m able to contribute, and to learn (so much material!  I will never get to the end of the “recommended reading” list!) and I hope that I’m helpful.  I do feel inadequate as I don’t have an advanced degree in cell biology or immunology or biochemistry any of which might help in following the more technical discussions; I have to remind myself that I’m participating as a lay person with a “lived experience of cancer and the cancer care system in Canada” so that’s where my value and contributions lie.

In a completely unrelated item, my little niece took part in her very first ever dance recital this afternoon.  She started pre-ballet classes in April, so she’s not advanced, but from the video of her performance she’s very at home in centre stage!  She ran out, no sign of nerves, did her steps; took part in the group dances; applauded the performance (from the stage!) and seemed to thoroughly enjoy the day.  Auntie is not at all proud or excited or happy or anything like that!  (Just searching for an appropriate gift for the little ballerina in training.)

I’m in the “fasting” pre-chemo stage now, where I’ve stopped eating so I can take my pills at a reasonable time tonight.  I’m actually quite hungry now, and I’m close enough to the end of the fast period that I’ll just wait and eat an hour after I take them before bed.  The boys are “watching” TV on the sofa… the little one is yawning and keeping his teddy bear button eyes on me, while the big one is sawing logs (he’s “resting his eyes” or something!)  I’ll just go be mischievous and tease them (so I’ll deserve whatever I get; ignore any whining from me later)  Good night!