Yawn

I don’t know why, but I was feeling somewhat wiped out yesterday, hence no post.  Similarly today.  Although today is probably because it’s a bit humid, and I have problems breathing easily in humid weather.  Which sucks and blows simultaneously as this is not great for enjoying summer weather!  Thankfully the smoke has cleared up and the skies are again blue (occasional clouds for imminent rain) so that’s an improvement.  Jerry is being super-cuddlesome today, and keeps coming to curl up on my lap, no matter what I’m doing!  He’s been trying to knock my phone out of my hand when I’m using it, or else he stretches up to block my view of the TV, then he brings his toy and throws it at me… he’s doing the same to Don, waiting until his game is on then climbing up to block his view and then throwing his toy to play.  He’s figured out when we’re doing something that doesn’t allow for spending all the time patting him.  Don’s currently the target of puppy manipulation, since he’s eating and Jerry is of the view that he must try any food in the house.

Yesterday, I was in the mood for some Trinidad-style Chinese, so I decided to cook some pepper shrimp and noodles.  It’s a recipe that I can cook on autopilot as I’ve done it so many times before.  I reduced the amount of pepper sauce, because I didn’t want to risk irritating my tummy, but otherwise everything else was as required.  I couldn’t taste any of it, except for the burn of the scotch bonnets.  I was extremely disappointed, as I’d been looking forward to it.  It also managed to make me throw up, and I’ve had “digestive distress” since.  I’m super frustrated by this and hesitant to eat today.  I guess that Chinese and pepper sauce are temporarily off the menu.

Someone recently said to me that they were amazed that I was always so positive and that it seemed that I never felt depressed.  I laughed, somewhat cynically.  I suppose that it’s encouraging to them to think that I’m capable of dealing with everything that’s going on without having down days, but it’s not accurate.  I try hard not to let the down days win, but it’s sometimes a struggle.  I feel most of the time like I’m living under the sword of Damocles, or (for non-classics readers) like I’m walking on a tightrope strung across an erupting volcano and being shot at.  I know that sounds very dramatic, but it’s probably the simplest image to describe how I feel sometimes.  It can feel apocalyptic in some ways, especially when I feel less than great.  Frankly, though, I don’t mind that assumption as it makes me seem more calm than I sometimes feel.  I’ll just refer to myself as a swan — looking all calm and serene, but paddling like crazy underwater — and let people think that I’m continuously chipper and cheerful.  In talking with other cancer patients, I’ve learnt that nobody likes it when others start telling us what to eat — one friend mentioned that people told her she should be vegetarian; she was, and still got cancer.  Others have been told to avoid red meat — I haven’t touched any in over 40 years.  Could we please, please refrain from handing out unsolicited advice?  It’s actually less helpful than it seems.   

It’s time for my chemo, so I’m off to take that then I’ll eat in another hour.  Meanwhile, Jerry is dozing on Don’s lap, so I’m not being used as a dog bed for the moment.  Good night.