Farewell

I’m complaining about the cold… I haven’t been able to get warm all afternoon!  It’s cold enough that my teeth are literally chattering, and I’m shaking.  It’s me more than the ambient temperature, I know; it’s not that cold, but I seem to have difficulty regulating my body warmth.  I’m wrapped in a blanket, wearing a sweater over a long sleeved top and still can’t get warm.  Jerry hasn’t left my side or my lap for more than about 15 minutes at a time lately… I know he’s trying to comfort me, and I do appreciate it and his cuddles.  I would also like a few minutes where I can do stuff without having my lap being rearranged and fluffed up like a cushion, or stretch out at night so I’m not twisted like a pretzel!  Don has been very supportive of my moodiness and unwillingness to talk for the past few days.  He’s feeling reasonably ok, and moves easily with the walker, so I’m relieved and happy about that.  He still has visions of going out shopping to some big stores, and I’m concerned about that, as it takes him a good few minutes to get to the car, and he really can’t walk very far without needing to rest.  We’ll have to work out some options for shopping and so forth.  He’s been happily watching sports — junior as well as pro — and can sometimes do 3 a night!

My sleep has been erratic for a while, but that’s emotionally driven.  My appetite is bouncing around again, and I have been doing my best to eat as much as I can.  Grief doesn’t help with eating, just so you know.  It’s good to share that I’m not in any pain, although I seem to be bruising easily.  Having lost as much weight as I have, my elbows are sore because just leaning on the sofa can cause a bruise and then a blemish… also, my coccyx is a little sore when I lie down; I can actually feel a bone there, when I used to have padding!  

We said “goodbye” to my father today.  For the last few days I was working on writing the eulogy (I’ll post it separately so you can read it if you’re interested); compiling some of the tributes that we received; organizing a zoom call for prayers for daddy; replying to various messages and sharing details on the funeral with others and reading grant applications (my reports are due on Monday and I haven’t finished reading them all yet.  I’ll be swamped until the weekend)  I couldn’t cope with those and sharing my thoughts, as they were so convoluted and I wasn’t ready to deal with them.  The service was beautiful, and there were so many tributes that we ran out of time for them all.  It is deeply touching to hear how many people loved, respected and admired my father.  There were tributes from former students, colleagues, teachers and staff who all spoke of the impact he had on their lives, how much he helped them to grow and develop personally and professionally, sharing personal stories of his effect on them.  His friends — at least one of whom has known him over 70 years — shared tales of his caring, love, enjoyment of cricket, going to the beach, etc.  We omitted the comments from family for the most part; they can be summarized by this comment from a cousin: “He will always be a shining light in my life.”  It’s humbling to hear such praise for someone I love.  

I wish that I had been able to go, but honestly, the heat and the schedule would have been far too exhausting for me.  I was, though, able to share in the services along with some others who are scattered around the globe.  I was able to chat with some relatives who I haven’t seen in a long time, for which I’m thankful.  As one of my friends put it, it doesn’t matter how old you are when it comes to your parents.  I mentioned that I’m now an orphan, and got laughed at, but I am now.  I’m minus both of my parents, and my aunt, who was another parent, so it’s true that I’m orphaned.  Sounds dramatic and pathetic, doesn’t it?  But part of me will always miss my parents and their insights, even if I’m in the role of being mentor to my nieces, nephews and godchildren.  I am also deeply thankful for the family that I have, who will pull together in difficult times to support each other.  

To close, I want to share a stanza from a poem that my dad loved.  A couple of months ago he asked me to look up this poem — it was one of our things, where he would quote part of a poem or a play and I’d have to complete it.  The lines were generally quite obscure, and I’d struggle with most of them!  There were a few sea-based ones (Crossing the bar; Ulysses; Sea Fever among others) some epic poems, parts of the Edda, etc.  This is from The Sea King’s burial and daddy particularly wanted to find it and quote it.  It speaks to his spirit, his love of tales of valour and bravery, of the sea, and mythology.  I hope that you find it meaningful as well.  Good night

“Once alone a cry arose, 

   Half of anguish, half of pride, 

As he sprang upon his feet, 

   With the flames on every side. 

"I am coming! " said the king, 

Where the swords and bucklers ring, 

Where the warrior lives again, 

Where the souls of mighty men 

And the weary find repose, 

And the red wine ever flows, 

   I am coming, great -All-Father, 

      Unto thee! 

Unto Odin, unto Thor, 

And the strong, true hearts of yore: 

   I am coming to Valhalla 

      O'er the sea."