March

Snowy day again, although not for long, and it’s milder than it was.  Several people have reminded me that spring is coming, and we’re all looking forward to it.  Happily my back continues to behave, which is good.  I am annoyed, though, at two things that have popped up.  One is that I suddenly have a stomach ache, which just started this afternoon and hasn’t stopped.  There’s no reason I can see for it; and there aren’t any other symptoms.  I mean, if I had gas, or the runs, I’d understand, but none of that.  The aches I’m having lately all feel like I’ve pulled a muscle or something.  The other is that I’m suddenly struggling to breathe deeply.  I feel like I’ve got a weight on my chest and I can’t get air in… my oxygen levels are still 99%, but I feel like I’m suffocating.  Jerry spent all afternoon on my lap, ignoring any and all attempts to be pushed off.  He would just stretch, and assume the cute cuddle position for more snuggles.  He’s right now hovering over Don, trying to mooch part of his supper.  Don was “busy” this afternoon, with baseball and hockey, and I’ve tuned out 😁

I had a series of calls today from various providers.  My lay minister was over this morning, and I was (as always) very happy to receive communion.  Then my dietitian called for our appointment.  I’ve lost more weight, which is not what we want to accomplish.  In our conversation, a couple of things came to light which I hadn’t realized before.  One is that my sense of taste seems to have got messed up.  In eating tomatoes, for instance, I’m tasting acid only.  Eating chicken is like chewing cardboard.  Other foods have little to no flavour.  I hadn’t thought about it, just because I was trying to actually eat, but she asked me to describe my meals for the last few days, and that’s when it “clicked” in my mind.  We think, therefore, that that accounts in part for my lack of appetite.  The other is that, unsurprisingly, I’m not taking in enough calories.  She asked me if there was any food in particular that I’m craving, and after quite a while, I said, “no, I’m not.”  That was a bit of a shock, because normally I have a few items that I go to, and a list of favourite meals, but right now none of them appeal to me.  To make it worse, if I even think about cooking, I have no urge to do anything.  I walk into the kitchen, look around, feel frustrated, and walk away.  

Then my social worker called, and we chatted for a while.  She’s offered to intervene to ensure that the agencies are providing full service, but they’re understaffed and oversubscribed, so I don’t think they can do much better.  I’m more annoyed after the report from the budget office that the province is under-spending on healthcare by over $1 billion, which is a lot of money that’s missing from the system, while they’re diverting funds to private care.  That makes me very angry, but there’s not much I can do about it.

Anyway, after our conversations today they indicated that they’re concerned that I’m dealing with depression.  That wouldn’t be too surprising given everything going on.  Part of me thinks that it’s a cop out to say, “I’m depressed,” because it’s not entirely true.  But at the same time, there’s justification for it. My dietitian mentioned it and said that it’s possible that it’s contributing to my lack of appetite.  Treatment ended a month ago, and while I’m probably still getting side effects (taste anomalies, only eating small meals, some discomfort from eating) she thinks that lacking calories is contributing to a poor mood, and perhaps making me feel worse than I need to.  The social worker expressed some worry that having stress related to my services, plus winter, plus the recurrent anxiety with treatments/tests, etc, is wearing on me.  So while I’m not sitting sobbing into my oatmeal, she thinks that I’m probably running low on reserves to deal with life.  I could (and probably should) contact the therapist, but I’m honestly not in the mood to do that.

Sorry, I seem to be on a bit of a downer today.  I’m just tired, hungry and not-hungry, and I don’t want to cope with life for a few days.  I mentioned to a girlfriend recently that I wanted to just toss all my clothes and buy all new ones, because I’m fed up of my wardrobe and I haven’t been clothes shopping since before the pandemic.  It’s sad, because there’s no real reason to feel like that, but — as my high school principal used to say — feelings are neutral, what is good or bad is how we respond to them.  Maybe I just need to find something to keep my mind occupied?  Good night.