Ash Wednesday

“On the feast of the Lupercal…” is a line from Julius Caesar, Act 1, scene 1 where Cassius (or Casca, I’ll need to look it up) is berating the crowds for gathering to try to crown Caesar as emperor.  Today would have overlapped that ancient feast of Lupercalia (which has turned into Valentine’s Day) and it’s Ash Wednesday.  Gotta love the changes, don’t you?  My tiny dictator is currently lying on the sofa, licking his lips and staring at me.  He’s had a stressful day.  There were several people in and out today for various medical issues, and he was very unhappy at the invasion of his private space.  He’ll need some cuddles to calm down before his day is upended again tomorrow— he doesn’t like when I have to go to the hospital.  Don had an appointment with his new care coordinator who conducted the intake assessment to determine what services he would need and what they might offer.  He’s waitlisted for a physiotherapist and a respirologist, and will be added to other lists for different services going forward.

My nurse was here this morning to change the dressing on my PICC.  It seems that my skin is starting to react to the adhesive in the bandage or the solution they use to clean the area, and it’s been driving me nuts by itching since the last change (a week ago)  We switched to another bandage which will need to be changed every 2 days (more annoying) but is “gentler” on the skin.  We also changed the cleaner solution to iodine and saline, so there’s no alcohol in the mix.  It was so refreshing when she took off the old bandage and washed the area on my arm!  Since the new one is fabric, I have to take extra steps to keep it dry; it was wrapped in cling film, taped down and then wrapped in the plastic sleeve provided by the hospital to protect the bandage.  As it’s Ash Wednesday, I’ve been eating salmon to try to maintain at least a minimal fast.  I know that my illness allows me to skip the strict fast, but it’s also acceptable to avoid meat today.

It may be unreasonable, but sometimes I feel like my life has been an unending Lent for the last few years.  It feels like an ongoing, repetitive period of sacrifice and penance.  I’d like to break out of it and move on to my Easter and Pentecost.  I know that this period is vital to the church and to our faith as we look inwards and work to change our sinful ways.  It’s arrogant of me, but I think I’ve run out of sins… obviously I can’t. I feel sometimes like the Pharisee in Luke 18 and I want to say, “Lord, thanks for not making me like the other people who do all these dreadful things in your name” and then I have to stop myself and change my thinking.  For a few years, I decided to work on being more understanding, less harsh and judgmental and to be kinder; all in keeping with living up to the Beatitudes in addition to the Commandments.  The Beatitudes are, as I think I’ve said, and which I’ve read, are a positive guideline to being more of what God wants.  The Commandments are like a checklist — did I worship other gods?  did I lie, steal, kill, commit adultery? No?  Then I must be a good person.  The Beatitudes ask us to be meek, to be peacemakers, to be merciful and to be ‘clean of heart’.  How merciful?  How much peacemaking?  What’s enough?  What’s too much — and yes, there will be those who will try to outdo others and turn their lives into Olympic level competitions with others.  Is appeasement a form of peacemaking, or do we need sometimes to wage war?  In being merciful, are we also serving justice?  So many complicated questions!  Lots of meditation to happen.

On the subject of meditation, someone today sent me a Lenten message titled “I want to see God.”  I confess that my first reaction was, “Not any time soon, please!”  I did try listening to it, but it’s the wrong type of session for me… I tend towards a more Dominican / Jesuit approach to spirituality, where it’s more inward and personal as opposed to active proselytizing or demanding behaviours from others.  Pretty much anything I add on here will sound judgemental, and I don’t want to do that.  So I’ll just leave it as I’m not giving up chocolates for Lent this year, as I need the calories, and I haven’t been able to drink alcohol in a long time, so same on wine and I’ll focus on internal changes instead.

I’m going to go find something to eat now, and cuddle the little dog who has moved onto my toes.  Good night!