Yawn

The weather today was sunny and mild again; it’s so nice to have these wintry days where the sun shines and the snow looks sparkly instead of grey and sad.  I’m frustrated that I can’t do much walking without gasping for air like a beached fish, but it was certainly lovely to enjoy the light.  Jerry is happily running around chasing his Christmas present, which has surprisingly held up pretty well!  He enjoys chewing on the fabric (I keep an eye on it so I know when to throw things out) and beings it to be thrown around the house.  When my support worker was here, they were playing for a while until she had to attend to me (Jerry didn’t approve and sat outside the bathroom growling until I came out) until she left for her next client.  Don is still moping from his lack of sports, but he’s been recording the Championship week, and the one women’s game that was played in the last few days.  I almost feel sorry for him, as he’s reduced to watching celebrity news and AGT (he normally pokes fun at them and makes all sorts of rude remarks about them) or my cozy mysteries, which he at least hasn’t seen before!  He says that we’ve watched too many mystery shows, since we are usually able to identify the perpetrator in the first half of the show.

Still more interrupted sleep, and I’m getting really annoyed at this.  On the one hand, I’m not falling asleep in the afternoon, nor am I groggy nor anything else, so perhaps I don’t need as much sleep as I think just now.  Not going to worry about it, I’ll just sleep when I can, and when I’m not sleepy I’ll do other stuff.  My appetite is good (👍🏽) and I’ve been eating fairly decent amounts.  In fact, I’ve reached an agreement with myself that if I feel hungry at 10pm, then I’m probably hungry, and I eat something.  I’m having to unlearn decades of food rules designed to help me lose weight and I’m struggling a bit to counteract them.  I’m currently nursing a hot chocolate, which is not something I’d do in my “you need to lose weight” phases.  Hot beverages on cold nights are so comforting!

I shocked my support worker today; we were chatting and she said that she used to be a size 00 — what I always referred to as “skeletal” size — and I said that at my largest I was a size 24.  Her jaw dropped, more so because we’re now about the same size 😝 It still feels odd — I know I’ve said this before, and I’ll probably repeat myself again — to buy clothes in my “new” size.  I look at myself in the mirror and I don’t see myself as being smaller until I turn sideways and realize that I’m fast approaching Olive Oyl!  I put on some of my larger clothes and it hits me that they don’t fit properly, but I’m still hesitant to buy smaller pieces as I think they’ll be too small. (So far, no.)  I’m working on my self image as we go, as I don’t feel self confident any more.  I’ve been draped in oversized clothes and ill fitting bras because I use the “I don’t go anywhere” excuse to avoid wearing anything.  Heck, even my mom’s dresses, which I’d adopted at one point, are way too large and unflattering.

I’m going to sink into my hot chocolate now and finish off my dinner (lasagne) and throw Jerry’s toy for a bit.  He’s lying on my toes and waiting for me to put away the iPad so he can sprawl on my lap and get his tummy massaged.  Good night!