Forgiving

How many times must I forgive? If someone has hurt me, why should I forgive them?  And if they do it more than once?  Everyone – Christians and non – knows Matthew 18:22.  (“I say to you, not seven times, but seventy times seven.”) 

We’ve heard stories of those superhuman people who forgive offenses against them.  Immaculée Ilibagiza, who survived the Rwandan genocide and forgave the people who killed her family.  Nelson Mandela, who was imprisoned for 30 years and forgave his captors and led South Africa into a more inclusive democracy.Corrie Ten Boom, a Holocaust survivor.  The list is surprisingly lengthy.  All of them have a common message:  “I forgave them, and I was free.”

 

It is not easy to forgive others, especially when the hurt is great.  We look at the offender and think, “I trusted you, and this is what you did to me?”  Many of us have also said, “I’ll never forgive you for this!” and probably meant it, too.  But what good does that do?  The unforgiven person simply continues with life.  YOU, as the one who refuses to forgive, instead live with the anger, hurt and resentment that this was done to you.  Holding on to that does not make you happy, and often makes everyone else around you miserable.  “Hah!” I hear you say, “Easy for you to say!  Do you know how hard it is to forgive?  And why should I?  I won’t let that happen again, so I won’t forgive and forget.”

No, don’t forget.  In fact, not forgetting is often a wise thing, as it will allow you to avoid repeating past errors.  But you must forgive.  It is not easy.  It’s probably one of the hardest decisions that you will ever make. 

Because forgiveness is a choice.  You choose to not let the past destroy your future.  You choose to recognize that mistakes are part of being human.  You choose to free yourself from anger, hatred and resentment.  You choose to be loving, and to accept that this thing has happened, it is done, and it cannot be changed.

It’s complicated.  How do you forgive a cheating spouse?  A business partner who swindled you?  A colleague who back stabbed you at the office?  How do you do it?  Well, first of all you say to the person, “I forgive you.”  Shaking hands is probably a natural next step.  Then comes the rebuilding of the relationship – which is where you decide that you will not dwell on the past.  In your choice of loving, you show that you have wiped away the offense – you invite them back into your life.  Their place may have changed, and you may be more vigilant for a while (hey, you’re human!) but gradually, you reduce the tension between you.  If you are the one who caused offense, this is where you work on your repentance and reconciliation.  What if the person has never apologised?  Forgive them anyway.  You don’t need to hear their apology to wipe away their offense.

Most of all, please remember to forgive yourself.  You loved.  You trusted.  You were wilfully blind.  You were human.  Beat yourself up by all means, but don’t drag it out.  There is a point after which self-flagellation stops being heroic and starts to be petty.  So, after a while of saying, “I was so stupid!  I was an idiot!” tell yourself, “I made a mistake.  I will do better next time.”  Don’t give anyone negative space in your head, including you.  Forgive yourself, forgive others, be loving.  For myself, I find that prayer helps considerably when I need to find forgiveness.

Lord, grant me the ability to forgive myself for past stumbles and falls.  To correct what I can, and accept what I can’t.  And grant me the courage to try again, this time a bit wiser.