Haircloth and ashes

Continuing with Lent.

There are two archaic expressions that are beautifully descriptive for the situations where you have apologised, or you have forgiven, and you want to show that your change is real.  We’ll look each of them as examples of the change.

You have done something wrong, and you have apologised.  How do you show that were sincere about not doing it again?  I’m sure that you’ve heard of the expression “to wear sack cloth and ashes” (or variations thereof.)  This is an ancient ritual which involved the penitent person wearing a shirt made of stiff goat hair (with the hair worn against the skin) and smearing their face with ashes.  The point was to have the person undergo some suffering and public shaming for a defined period to show their remorse.  Some religious groups continue the practice, by wearing uncomfortable shirts to remind themselves of their failings.  (And I think that some women do this by wearing some very uncomfortable shoes all day!  But I digress.)

The point here is not to go out and buy a scratch wool vest and wear it in the middle of summer.  No.  It means showing clearly and openly that you have changed.  Have you promised to spend more time with your family than with your online gaming?  Now that you are committed to change, what are you doing?  Put away the games.  Spend time with your family and listen to what they have to say.  And don’t be too surprised if they aren’t immediately receptive.  You have to work at it, take your rejection, and show that you really meant it when you said that you would actually cook dinner 2 nights a week.  (I have recipe ideas if you need them )  That rejection – the coldness that you first experience – that’s your haircloth.  In time (usually a few days) it will decrease, and you can eventually rebuild the relationship.  Just don’t go back to gaming for long periods.  Doing is much better than just saying “I’m sorry.”

The other expression is “to heap coals of fire on their heads.”  Sounds awful, but it means to return good for evil.  Apparently, this dates back to the time when fire was not produced on demand by a match, but when it took a long time to build and nurture.  If a fire went out, you’d go to a neighbour to ask for coals to restart yours, and the lit coals would be carried back in a vessel placed on your head.  It was a favour that was being done to you, and it gave your life (and your family) warmth and food. 

If you’ve been hurt by someone, and they come to you needing a favour, granting the favour would be returning good for evil.  So when the person who backstabbed you to gain a promotion comes to you for a recommendation, giving a good and honest recommendation would be a favour to them.  It would also show that you have forgiven their offense, and that you mean them no ill-will.  Why would you do that?  Well, it means that you aren’t allowing them to destroy your happiness.  Plus, it makes you the better person – which is great for your overall image.  (Order a bigger, brighter halo.)

Taken together, these expressions cover the range of behaviours related to failures.  When you have offended, wear your haircloth for reconciliation.  When you have been offended, heap coals of fire for restoration.