felix qui potuit rerum cognoscere causas

 

I had a follow-up appointment with one of my doctors this week. It's that time of year when doctors have residents meet with patients first, then come in to finalize treatment plans. I have to admit that I'm somewhat spoiled, and I really prefer to see my doctor and not a substitute, no matter how enthusiastic or learned they are. Mostly because I have to review my medical history-and my 23 medications- and they (subconsciously) remind me that I'm actually really sick, no matter how healthy I look or pretend to be!

On a hot day like today, breathing is challenging. It's frustrating because I have to stop in the middle of doing things just to catch my breath..Doing what? You ask. Well, my friend and former colleague stopped by and dropped off a baker's dozen of corn! Farm fresh and delicious! So I cooked some last night, and today I shucked the rest and put them on to boil. The corn is lovely, fresh and very sweet. Delicious! We're very happy with them

Summer is flying by, and I'm trying not to be too hard on myself for not doing many things.  I know that I've had major surgery this year, again, and it's not even 3 months  yet. But I'm at home, still nor able to drive myself, and if I do go out, I'm exhausted in less than an hour. If I push through the initial waves of tiredness, it can take me up to 4 days to recover.- . literally 4 days of lying down trying to get enough energy to roll over. I could spend hours listing all of my limitations, but we'd all be bored quickly. I admit to a level of jealousy for those who can hop into a car- or bus, or train-and go out. Doesn't matter where, just able to leave the house and do things that don't involve trips to the hospital. Or who are able to walk around malls or parks without needing to sit or-lie down after 5-6 minutes.

On days like this, I can feel myself slipping into a depression. I know, intuitively, that there's nothing wrong with that. I've got several reasons to be depressed, but I'm normally not. I will sometimes feel the waves of sadness come crashing down on me so I'll keep writing and thinking of all the reasons that I have to let go of the sadness. I'll reread my gratitude journal and scan for the "gratitude" tags in my blog, to find inspiration to dig out of my black funk, many times that works. But then there are other times when it doesn't and instead of gratitude, I feel anger and frustration.  Or worse, despair - I feel like there's no point to this and that I should quit trying to try wearing a positive face, acknowledge that I am sick and I need to face up to that instead of seeking out the good things: I'm find anything -a post on FBI or IG, a text message, whatever, that I will use as an excuse to feel sorrier for myself, and just let myself wallow in misery, convinced that I've been forgotten by my friends and I deserve to be lonely. Then, just as I reach that point,     where I'm delighted to sink into the morass of self-pity and misery, - something happens, like today, when I got a phone call from a friend who I haven’t seen in almost 15 years, asking for my address because she wanted to drop off "something!”  That turned out to be enough home- cooked meals for a week. I was deeply moved, and annoyed with myself for sinking into such a mess.

I'm ok again, and very appreciative of my friend who did this, alhough I would have been perfectly happy just to see her, even without her generosity. A good thing is that these sad moments are infrequent, because they would otherwise become overwhelming. I'll have too  be sure to watch out for them and be on guard!