Sadness

I’ve had a busy couple of days, being Auntie and reading (repeatedly) Frozen and Goodnight Moon  It’s fun, and I’m not complaining, except that I’d like a little more variety in reading materials.  I’ve also done daycare drop off runs yesterday and this morning.  They are now used to me being at home when they get back from school, and I’ve got new, original artwork from them.  I’ve started working on the gift for my nephew, since my niece got hers when I arrived, and I can’t give a gift to one and not the other.  Of such things are world wars started!  My niece is fascinated by the crochet and wants her own hook and wool so she can “Make a blanket.”  I was talking to Don today; Jerry went for a long walk with my support worker, who has been keeping an eye on them while I’m away.  She took him with her into a store, and he picked out a toy for himself, brought it home and destroyed it in fewer than 10 minutes; but he’s happily playing with the skin (minus the stuffing)  Don is a little tired out, but otherwise fine.  He’s due for his next booster tomorrow, and is looking forward to it.  

I got some more bad news today.  My dear friend, Fr. Leo Donovan, is deteriorating in health and isn’t able to answer his phone any longer.  Coming as it does on the heels of Auntie Ming’s passing, it was rough to hear.  I was plunged into a major depression, because it was just too much all at once.  He’s still with us, but it’s still… 

I had talked about him and his influence on my life before, and we have remained close for the better part of the last 40 years.  The last few times that we spoke, he had difficulty remembering many things — not me.  He remembered me and my little dog — but he didn’t recognize the nurse who was caring for him, for example.  In my mind, he’s still the strong, loving person I’ve known since I was a teenager and it’s hard to reconcile that image with the frail, elderly man he’s become.

I know that death is the one inevitability and it comes to us all.  I’ve faced it myself several times in the last decade, where my feelings have ranged from dread to fatalism.  Where it comes to the people around me, though, I would prefer to have them remain fixtures in my life.  It feels like my world is becoming unbalanced, and in danger of collapse.  When I mentioned today that I was saddened by Fr. Leo’s condition, I was told, “well, he’s old and he’s been sick, so what do you expect?  Don’t waste time crying.”  I wanted to lash out, but didn’t.  I know that age and infirmity draw one closer to “the undiscovered country, from whose bourne none return” but logic is a poor companion and a worse comforter!

I’m going to try to honour both Fr. Leo and Auntie Ming by remembering their happy moments.  I’ve got, thankfully, lots of them.  The photos I have of us are usually of us eating — Christmas meals, midweek lunches, dinners, afternoon teas… every possible meal, we’re sitting, and everyone is laughing.  Those are the things I want to remember.  Personally, I think that I’d prefer when my time comes — may that day be years in the future! — to go after having had a good meal, full of laughter with my loved ones, like my grandmother did.  

Meanwhile, I will continue to enjoy my life, and share in things that bring joy to us.  It’s time for bedtime stories, so I’ll leave you now as I go to read (hopefully something other than Frozen!!) and tuck in my niece, then join my family to pray for the repose of my aunt.  Good night all.