Cabin

The weather is improving, in that it’s slightly warmer than it was, so that I was able to open the doors and windows for a while today.  It’s chilly, but great with a sweater and blanket 😀. Jerry is in one of his moods today; he started off by crawling under the bed and hiding there for about an hour, then pushed my iPad and my crochet off my lap because he wanted to cuddle, and he’s on high alert for any sounds in the hall.  Don was “busy” today, with about 6 hockey games this afternoon, plus more sports scheduled for tomorrow.  I’ve got other activities in mind, so I can avoid the sports talk.  He’s complaining that nobody wants to argue with him on sports (I just nod and grunt; his son has the same opinion as he does) so he’s not having fun.  Apparently debating team performance is an important part of the game.  Today I made 2 slices of French toast, and ate them over 2 meals.  I’m happy that I feel hungry, although I still can’t eat much.  I’m also a little hesitant about overreach — I’m craving pizza, but my stomach burns at the thought.  I’m therefore going to wait a while before indulging in one.  (With pineapple, spank you!) 

I’ve had to grudgingly accept that I can’t do all the travel that I’d like to do, and many of the places that I’d like to visit are now out of reach.  It’s because my movement isn’t as easy as it was.  I can’t easily climb stairs or hills, so that cuts out planned trips to many destinations, and worse, limits places that I’d like to visit.  I used to be able to go for long walks in a new city — and even here — but I now am more restricted.  I’m thankful that I live when and where I do, because even 30 years ago there weren’t that many options for people who have limited mobility; and even in Trinidad (and several European cities) stairs are steep and plentiful.  In this era, the world is more accommodating to people who aren’t fully mobile (although there’s still a lot of selfishness) but there are still many spaces which aren’t accessible.  I’m not going to insist that historic sites be modified to remove steps, but it does limit the places I can visit.  The other thing I realized is that comparing myself to others is a great way to feel miserable.  I’ve seen others who have done so many things while dealing with a cancer diagnosis.  Running marathons, working through treatments, hiking, mountaineering, diving… I’m not interested in most of those, but I do love to travel.  But a 6+ hour long journey requires a few days’ recovery, and a drive of 3+ hours is exhausting, and I feel… inadequate and a burden.

I know that I’ve got things to do, and I can call on a number of people to keep me amused when I need it, but at the moment I’m hovering on the edge of self-pity because I can’t do all the things I’d like.  Silly, isn’t it?  Maybe it is that I’m bored, and I need something to engage my curiosity and creativity and perhaps I will stop moping over what I’ve lost and rejoice in what I do have.

Jerry is nudging my knee with his nose; he wants to jump up for a cuddle.  So instead of moping, I’ll go pet a small schnoodle.  Good night!