Relax…

What a stunning and gorgeous spring day we had today!  It’s 19C, sunny, little white puffy clouds, a gentle breeze… all of the ingredients for a perfect go-for-a-long-walk day… which I couldn’t do because my back decided to remind me that I’m not in charge of my life or plans.  I did manage a little time on my balcony, though, which was beautiful.  Jerry spent all day on my lap, with few short breaks while he nagged Don instead.  I would love it if I were able to take walks and do more, but I won’t be too greedy.  Baby steps, right?  Slow, gradual, incremental improvements so that I don’t lose all of the spring and summer wishing that I could do more.  I’ll try not to whine too much; it’s sometimes hard when I want to do more than my body will allow.  I never thought that I’d miss baseball!  There’s none on tonight, so I’m watching a PVR show that Don doesn’t, and he’s pretending to be interested by asking questions — he’s just being a pest.   

I’m struggling a bit with the realities of my situation.  I have been allowing myself to remain cocooned in denial for several things.  Denial is easy, because I just ignore all the things that don’t fit what I want to see, but it’s also a trap to keep me from dealing with the facets that are scary, unpleasant or otherwise uncomfortable.  Maybe it’s time for me to start facing the unpleasant things head on and learning to adapt to them?  I’ll be honest — I don’t want to. The ugly things are so horrific that I don’t want to face them.  Is there a way to deal with them so that they become manageable?  Or do I acknowledge that there are unpleasant things that I will have to face no matter what, and then — what?  Surrender?  Try to fight?  Admit that life is bleak and hopeless?  My personality doesn’t cope well with hopelessness. But perhaps I should be adjusting my personality to rely less on optimism?  Part of me believes that “all will be well, and all shall be well and all manner of things will be well.” (Julian of Norwich). Will they, though?  I’m not going to spout inspirational quotes and flick pixie dust in the air and pretend that there’s nothing wrong.  I don’t understand why I’ve been on this path — what about me is so different that I have to face this, at this stage of my life?  If I have to deal with a rare cancer, couldn’t I have contracted it later in life, like in my late 80s?  I wonder about those kinds of things, and also what were the factors that caused this?  Random, genetic dice roll is all well and good as an explanation, but again… what makes me so unique?  God clearly is keeping some secrets, although I’d appreciate a little clarity.  For reasons known only to herself, she picked me to wrestle with this demon, and I hope that I manage to get through a lot of rounds before the bell rings!

I’m sorry — it’s such a beautiful day but I have somehow slipped into a pit where the shadows are encroaching.  I will have to deal with this and then I can face the next round of challenges.  Thank you all for the lovely photos and the encouraging messages; today I think I need a little more than usual.  Good night.

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