Anxiety

I had an appointment this morning at the hospital for my follow-up CT scan, which was scheduled for 7:45am.  Frankly, that’s earlier than my average arrival time at work back in the day… We had three tries to find a working vein for the IV, and a surprisingly painful injection.  May I whine that my hand is sore from the injection site?  I’d like to pretend to be all calm, cool and collected, but scans, even (especially?) routine scans, terrify me.  They have a gigantic question mark that hangs over my head while I wait for the results, and I try not to worry while I wait for the results.  Insh’allah, we will continue monitoring, so that we can go on with everyday life.  But the shadow of “what if” hangs over everything, and my best efforts can’t banish it to the outer darkness where there is weeping and grinding of teeth.  Sometimes I think that I’d like to know the future, so I can plan in more detail what I’d like to do, but most of the time I don’t want to know, because “if ignorance is bliss, then ‘tis folly to be wise.”  In an interesting twist of fate, after my scan, I got a call from the care service coordinator (they provide the nursing and home care services for me) to determine whether I was getting the appropriate level of care.  She was concerned about my weight loss, because I’ve lost over 11kg since July, and she thinks that’s too much too quickly, so there’s gonna be “work” on that… another person on my overall team now.  As I said to the nurse this morning, I’ve been doing this for the last decade, and I’m happy to continue for the next 2 decades.

I’ve included a photo of one of the flower patterns that I’m considering for my little project.  I’m not sure about it… it’s pretty, but… perhaps it’s the thread and colour that I used?  I think it’s too light to be as effective as I’d like.  I received my order of yarn in the colours I chose (yay, sales?) so I’ll be playing with patterns for a while.  So — votes on this one?  Shall I try it again in my preferred thickness and colour?  BTW, if you get an email apparently from me asking you to reply to confirm that you got it, or if you’re asked to buy gift cards for me please shred the message instantly.  I learned that a friend/contact of mine was hacked and I opened a message that was apparently from her so I’m concerned that someone might try to spoof mine too.

The tiny dictator is out with his personal walking servant, who is treating her “puppy fever” 😝 He was on top of me most of the night and was with me all day except for the hour when I was in the hospital.  He has been shadowing me, sitting on my lap — I have a puppy-butt-shaped depression on my thighs into which he wriggles.  I was talking to a friend today on a video call, and he was lying on my lap, and then decided that I’d been distracted long enough and stretched up his front paws so I had to pet his tummy.  I had to call in reinforcements because I was too tired and a bit wobbly after starting so early this morning so he’s out and I’m getting a rest.

I’m off to take my meds and find something to eat before I’m back under close surveillance, so I’ll wish you a good night, and hope that you’re safe, warm and dry, depending on where you are.