Now and then

Sunset over Port of Spain, taken from the hills above Belmont.  People send me these, which I enjoy even as I have small twinges of homesickness.  I’m struggling with my desire to do things measured against my capability to accomplish them.  I’m getting the odd reaction that I think is related to my recent travels, (the alternative does not bear consideration) so I’d really like them to settle down so I can do things I enjoy again.  Jerry had his booster shots for rabies and distemper today — he greeted the vet and the staff with wiggles and kisses, and when she told him to sit, he obeyed instantly.  She said, “Oh, he’s so well-trained!” I looked around for the other dog that’s mine… anyway, he passed his checkup; he lost a little weight, his teeth are good (and I can attest, sharp!) and he’s full of energy.  He took his shots quietly, got treats and was cuddled by everyone!  Don was feeling a little queasy this morning when we headed over, but recovered by the time we returned home.  He’s dozing a little (he says he’s “watching baseball.”  I hear snores.)

I’m seriously tempted to order some pastries; whether I’ll be able to properly enjoy them is another matter.  There’s a little Portuguese bakery not too far away that does some excellent pies and tarts, and we both enjoy them.  The hesitation is because if I order them there’s a high risk that I will end up with crumbs before I can get to them, or worse — that my appetite will not let me eat them before they spoil.  (They’re not the kind that freeze well)  I wouldn’t be ordering a huge amount, but still… I’m trying to think of what foods I might enjoy and be able to eat, but so far nothing appeals.  That’s very annoying, as I would very much like to eat something.  I’m open to ideas of “invalid meals” if anyone can suggest some that are not the things that my previous dietitian recommended— so no smoothies, cream of wheat, creamed anything, broths or tofu.  We’ll see what emerges.

My meditation text today raised an excellent point.  It talked about how the start of a movement can go through ups and downs; it referred to the Christian church after the death of Jesus, but also applies to our own lives.  There are times when things are good, and we relax into that, forgetting the difficulties that often await.  Then we have the problems that make us want to give up and hide away.  During those times we can get discouraged, but if we persevere, many times the hardships will be overcome.  I think that I needed to read that today — I’m not doing it justice with this summary, but I really wanted to focus on the central point, which is that important reminder that life goes on; that we don’t just stop because things are not how we wanted them to be.  My next scan is in 2 days, and I have been trying to divert my attention away from it, as every scan causes some immense anxiety which builds up as we drive to the hospital, I go in through registration, getting the IV (hoping desperately that they’ll find a vein easily!) doing the actual scan, then there’s low-grade worry about the results until I get the results.  I know in advance that I’ll have a few nights of broken sleep, followed by tension and all those symptoms.  I’d love to be able to skip over those days of anxiety, or at least be chill… And yes, I’m fully aware that the anxiety can contribute to my eating issues.  My new pill is helping me to sleep better, which is a bonus, and I do actually feel hungry, so if I get a meal that appeals I’m optimistic that I might be able to eat more than 3- to 4- mouthfuls.

OK, I’m off in search of dinner, and then to pet a little puppy who’s feeling sluggish after having had needles poked into him.  He was scrambling around and playing for a bit, but is now just coming for cuddles.  So… Good night!