Oopsie

Yesterday underlined why I can’t return to work on a full time basis.  I had several home visits from different people, starting at 9, and ending shortly after 3.  So I woke up early so I’d be alert for the first one, then I got a call from one of my service providers, and so on until the last one.  I did have some breaks, but not long enough for me to take a nap and so by 4pm I was exhausted and couldn’t keep my eyes open.  I slept until 10 this morning, and I’d probably have slept longer but for Jerry’s demands.  He’s spent all day today with me, and hasn’t left me for long until now when he’s on Don’s shoulder.  I have a puppy-shaped dent on my lap from him.  Don also had a slow day, as his pain persists and he’s walking like an old man… He had a decent rest, and is up eating now.  Apparently there’s hockey later, and I’ll be banished because I’m apparently a jinx on his team; in reality, I’m not interested, so I don’t cheer loudly — this is a known behaviour for me, as I’ll attend games and just watch quietly while sitting with rabid fans (and devoted parents!) 😜

I was not particularly nice today.  I’m not going to make any excuses or explanations, just that I said something that wasn’t kind, and I think that my friend thought I was referring to her — I wasn’t, I was talking about myself.  We were talking about some people and their reaction to certain foods.  I said that if someone was ill because they’d eaten food that they knew caused problems, I wouldn’t be particularly sympathetic; and said that if I was stupid enough to eat food that triggers a problem, it was my own fault and I’d need to suck it up.  My friend tried hard — she’s super sweet and generous towards others, much more than I am at times — and said that it shouldn’t be stupidity, but just a mistake.  I said (because I can be an idiot) that I think there’s a difference between an indulgence to spoil yourself, and me knowing that eating beef will have me in pain and laid up but deciding to eat a slider or some chilli.  After we hung up and talked about other things, I realized that I hadn’t heard that she was trying to get me to stop… and now I feel even dumber.  As I said, no excuse for what I did, but just to say that when I talk about myself doing something ridiculous, it’s just about me, please don’t take it personally.

I have started my new medication, and according to the literature it takes about a week to take full effect, and I’m on day 4; I have noticed that it helps me sleep, which is not a bad thing.  As for appetite, it seems that it will be a slow process; but I’m still working on it. I spoke with my care coordinator today, and she’s going to request that I have a dietitian assigned to me again, to help me not lose so much weight so fast and — more importantly— get some food in me before they carry out the threat of tube feeding.  I’ve had the experience before of a nasogastric tube, and twice is four times too many in my opinion.  I’m also not keen on having all my food blended, so I hope that this time the dietitian can help.  I’m not sure what benefit I get, as the last one just kept on recommending kale smoothies and non-dairy milk (I’m not lactose intolerant) despite my assertion that kale is for decoration.  I’ve been trying to stop beating myself up for my small appetite, but it’s a struggle.  I explained to a friend that I’m doing my best to eat, but they keep saying, “you’re not eating!  You need to eat!”  I snapped at them and said that I am eating until I feel full, and then I’ll pause, in hopes that after a few minutes I can take another bite.  In fact, I said that if they thought I wasn’t eating, they should be knocking on my door with my meal.  They were somewhat offended, and thought that I didn’t want them to be concerned.  I said that I appreciate the concern, and I am not angry or upset, but I didn’t want all our conversations to be, “Did you eat?  What did you eat?  How much?  That’s not eating!” in a loop!  I again feel troubled by this interaction, and I’m going to blame my irritation on hunger that I don’t feel but which apparently is there, as well as the looming spectre of my upcoming scan.  I’m trying to be logical by thinking that my health has not spiralled downwards so any changes are probably still manageable, but logic, fear and uncertainty are not a stable mixture.  

Little dogs are very good for calming feelings of anxiety, especially when they curl into a contented little pile and cuddle against you!  I am therefore off to change my pain medication patch and then massage a tiny schnoodle tummy for a while before heading in to bed.  Good night!