Pattern break

We had 2 days of smog, exacerbated apparently by wildfire smoke, making yesterday somewhat uncomfortable.  Today is muggy and sultry, with thunderstorms forecast for tomorrow.  It’s the first Thursday in over a month when we have not had tornado or thunderstorm warnings!  Please see a sad, starved, neglected puppy, who was denied strawberries as a snack.  He just watched me put one in my mouth and I was faced with this look… I’d feel guilty, but I don’t think it’s a good idea to share stuff that will upset his teeny tiny little tummy just because he wants it.  He’s been tailing me everywhere since, probably in hopes of food falling out of my hand/mouth into the black hole that is his mouth!  Don is back to himself after a couple of days of not moving much — his weekend of over exertion caught up with him and he turned into a fixture on the sofa.  Thankfully he’s back to himself, and is raiding the fridge like a college student home on holidays!!  It somewhat helps that his teams have been winning more than losing, as I think that encourages him.

My support worker was here yesterday and she helped me put away my order of groceries and then we cooked, so I had a hot, fresh supper last night.  We did some melongene (eggplant) with salted cod and rice; one of my comfort meals since childhood.  (I’ve got a few, and I’m gradually making them to see if they help my appetite.)  I was very happy with that, but then… 😡 while I was eating my tongue and mouth started to tingle and itch.  I’d better not be developing an allergy to this!!  I’m running out of foods I enjoy because my body is misbehaving!  That annoyance aside, dinner last night was tasty, and I was super tired after I’d eaten and she’d left, so I went straight off to bed.  I managed about 5 hours of sleep before I woke up at 3am and couldn’t get back to sleep for over an hour.  Last night was the first time I tried melatonin in a while, so here’s hoping!

I’m not certain of where these dreams are coming from, but for the last week or more I’ve been dreaming about my mother and aunts; my grandparents and several other relatives who are no longer with us.  The most recent one, I was getting quite anxious in my dream because I’d taken time off work and hadn’t reported the days off and I couldn’t find my work laptop to submit the leave request.  This may have been triggered by a conversation I’d had with a friend who’s also on medical retirement but who keeps circling back to “I should have stayed at work longer,” and trying to persuade — well, not me, but most likely himself — that his condition is psychological despite literally volumes detailing his physical injuries and gradual deterioration.  This comes up every few weeks, notwithstanding the fact that he’s been retired almost as long as I have.  Some one else was telling me that even having received a diagnosis of 3-6 months left, her mother is insisting on returning to work to do 2 - 3 8-hour days a week.  I’ve struggled myself with those thoughts over the years, and have reluctantly accepted that I cannot do full time work any longer.  I do my volunteering with the cancer society, which takes up a few hours a month 2-3 times a year, but it’s not continuous (except for the Zoom meetings which are physically exhausting; surprising, really, since it’s on the phone and I’m usually seated comfortably, but the effort required to follow discussions is tiring.  I love it, so I’ll keep on as long as I can.)  I also work on my crochet, which allows me to zone in and out (and I must say, the ergonomic hooks are AMAZING at how they prevent pain in the hands!!) and I have various other little hobbies to keep me from sitting staring at the walls (or TV) all day.  But having had those conversations so close together, I suppose that it tweaked something in my subconscious, combined with my self-imposed deadlines to complete my crochet projects.  I know that I miss my relatives, and I woke up one night in heavy tears because I had dreamt of talking with my aunt and I was trying to apologize for not being there as she deteriorated.  In my dreams, my mother is often trying to hurry me to go somewhere with her, and I’m reluctant to go; I tell her things like “I have to wait for Auntie Ming,” or that she needs to sit, we have lots of time, but there’s a sense of urgency from her.  Well, it would be me, since in dreams, everyone and everything we see is a manifestation of the dreamer.  I haven’t quite analyzed those fully yet, and I’m not especially concerned either.

I know this is a little earlier than usual, but I can feel my eyes shutting — “my curtain is falling” as my sister-friend says.  I need to eat (I’m really hungry) and I took my meds about 30 minutes ago, so I can eat in a half hour, then I can head off to sleep in an hour or so later.  I have a small dog warming my toes who will probably want to eat my dinner when I get it, and I need to remind Don to call his friend and wish him a happy 86th birthday today.  That’s it for today; good night!