Sweater day

It’s been a damp, almost chilly, windy day where sweaters and blankets were welcome.  It’s not a complaint, because I know that summer is still in swing and the weather can change dramatically with no warning, but today I was very happy to have a small dog on my lap to cuddle and a shawl wrapped around my shoulders.  Definitely cool, almost autumnal day.  There’s warning of rain for a few days which is not altogether a bad thing.  Jerry seemed to know that it wasn’t too hot, and he’s been burrowing under or behind us to get warmer.  He’s right now hidden under the throw that Don has over himself, with only the tip of his nose exposed.  He had a moment of cuddles with my support worker today, and then tried getting into the bathroom while I had a shower.  He complained when he got shut out of the bathroom, then tried attacking her toes while she cooked for us.  Don, as mentioned, is wrapped in a throw and curled up looking like a little cocoon.  The wind is definitely cool, and I can feel the damp when it blows in.  It’s coming from the East, so it’s blowing directly on me.  Brr!

My appetite was not great today, and I wanted to curl up, stay warm and nap rather than eat anything.  I did have some small meals, and my worker cooked some shrimp and noodles for me,  I had a bowlful and now I’m waiting to take my meds in about 90 minutes.  I slept fairly well last night, although I woke up at 4:45 (I checked the time because I felt that I’d had a long sleep) and then I was awake until after 6, when I dozed off again.

When I was in my early 20s, I studied briefly the science and art of interpreting dreams.  My friend, Fr. Leo, was very interested in Jungian psychology, which deals heavily with the unconscious mind and how it expresses itself in dreams.  There were, of course, those who use dreams as a form of divination, but the interpretation that I learnt was that your dreams are an expression of your thoughts, fears, experiences and shadows.  Working with him, I gradually learnt how to decipher some of the recurrent dreams that I had, and those of close relatives.  I encountered lots of the mediums who claimed to understand dream symbology, and talked of them as “messages from beyond.”  They may be, I don’t know.  But I do know that by examining the dreams I was able to face up to certain fears that I had.  For some years, I would consider my dreams to try to make sense of what was happening.  There are, as we all know, certain common dreams that occur to all of us, like the dream of flying, or being naked in public, or taking an exam.  I’ve often had a recurrent dream of trying to avoid a series of ever-larger waves while I’m trapped on a shrinking beach.  I told Fr. Leo about that, and we examined it, along with life experiences at the same time.  I finally understood that that dream happened when I was worried or stressed about something and I felt overwhelmed (obvious, no?) and out of control.  We worked out a technique by which I walked into the water, instead of running from it, and I found that the waters calmed down.  It was mind blowing.  I’ve used that approach since then to deal with frightening dreams so that I’m less scared.  It doesn’t always work, unfortunately, but it works often enough that I’m comfortable with it.  

As much as I appreciate being able to understand why my dreams can be so unsettling, and how to help restore some sense of balance, there are some dreams that don’t make sense, or which don’t respond to my attempts to regain control.  It’s a necessary reminder that I’m not in full control of all elements of my life.  I mention this because I’m trying to accomplish certain things, and I’d like to ignore reality to be able to do what I want.  In some ways it feels like I’m disappointing others because I can’t do all the things in my mind, and I need to have a serious conversation with myself that I’m not letting anyone down.  Sometimes I feel like I’ve got to defend my decisions or explain why I can’t do things. Then I need to give myself a shake and remind myself that other people don’t control my choices.  Sadly, my body doesn’t want to go along with all my plans, but I’ll still try doing what I enjoy as much as possible.  Thanks to my friend J for reminding me of this today.

Jerry has just woken up and wants to play — he just ate, so no playing for him for a while.  He’s throwing his toy at me, trying to nip my leg and scratching at me.  I need him to calm down for at least a half hour before we play, or else he’ll be sick.  Stubborn puppy!  I’ve got about an hour before I can eat, so I’ll amuse myself with some games… Good night!