Carpe vinum

 I would so love a glass of wine!  But that’s still going to have to wait.  I explained to my (new) set of doctors that my birthday is in exactly 2 weeks and apart from me being back at home, I will be hosting the annual culling of the lobsters and I will be having a glass of good wine. They think that I’m joking, but this is one of my serious goals.  The annual lobster dinner was already postponed last year because of Covid, so the little leggy buggers got away for a year, but that’s not on the cards for this year.  There will need to be a dinner; even if we arrange to have the lobsters shipped to home and we Zoom the meal!  I know that there’s already champagne chilling waiting for me to get home!

Here’s the view from my bed.  I have a window!!  And a tree!!  Those things make me happy as you know, and when I arrived here this afternoon my soul felt comforted.  As you can see, there’s a lot of window space, and there are 4 of us to the ward.  I’ve met one of my neighbours who told me that she has already spent 3.5 months recovering from having all of her bones broken, as if that wasn’t enough to cope with!  If it’s true that God doesn’t give us more than we can bear, then there are many, many people who are formidable in many senses of the word!  

I had a long conversation today with my friends the priest and the pain doctor.  How’s that for an unusual combination?  We were discussing the meaning of fortitude, and how it manifests itself.  I said that I had been focussed on fortitude as not yielding to despair, which is one of the facets that we see.  But there is also the concept of magnificence to which we are all called.  It is a recurrent theme, and apparently one of several, in which there are things that seem simple on the surface but which call us in ways we seem to overlook.  I’m too tired tonight to delve into this thought, but there are some ideas that are pulling me back.  

In the past few weeks I’ve had to draw on levels of strength that I didn’t realize that I had in order to remain positive.  I was not forcing an attitude to impress anyone, but trying to find a point of equilibrium which would allow me to face up to the fears that stalked me in the night.  The night prayer of the Church faces that fear explicitly (psalm 91) and speaks directly to it.  It does not eliminate the fear, but by naming it, it’s reduced.  Having reduced it then it can be faced… “as they are counted and compelled, they can quickly be dispelled!” The ghosts of the night are much like that.  They fill up the spaces in your mind and will expand to control everything if they get a chance.  I’m not downplaying the seriousness of depression, nor the need that some people have for medication to treat that.  I recognize that each of us has our own unique physiognomy that makes us susceptible to certain things more than others, so it’s possible for one person to respond to medication while another can power through and a third needs luck and so on.  Speaking for myself I am fortunate that I have been able to use resources that did not need pharmacology. 

Which brings us back to fortitude where some vigilance is needed to guard the mind and keep the dark things from taking root.  Keep the light shining so the shadows don’t have room to grow too dark, just enough to give shade and maintain a comfortable waking speed.  That leads us to magnificence, where we open up to let more light in, and keep the darkness managed.  I hope that you are able to find enough light to keep yourself wrapped in joy.  Good night, and let us rejoice in another day.  —-