Dum spiro spero

I have a new friend who I haven’t actually met in person, but she’s a prolific and creative writer who has been kindly supplying me with reading material as I go through this tempestuous period of my life.  She’s a definite Classics person, and her writing has inspired me to dive more into some Greek drama (written, not viewed) and Latin quotes, and exploring the etymology of some common but important words.  It’s utterly fascinating for me, as my little nerdling self is free to examine links among and across things that I hadn’t considered before, and to have discussions with someone who is absolutely brilliant at language as I do that.  She’s partly the inspiration for the recent flood of Latin quotes, as they are expressive but brief, and just such wonderful thoughts.  I’ve also been linking them to some quotes from the Mahabharata, which is one of the longest epics in any language.  To my delight, it’s also a dense, fascinating story that has amazing depth and so much enlightenment — I mean, it’s got the core of the Bhagavad Gita, that beautiful set of scriptures.  I think that the quotes relate to each other, they’re not mirrors or anything, but I love their synchronicity.  As for today, I definitely think that if we face grief we can progress into a deeper appreciation for life and can build upon it, and we can only do that because while we breathe we still have hope.

Today’s update is, I think, exceptional.  I’ll begin with the more negative stuff.  I’ve had a pain-filled day.  I didn’t sleep very well last night, and I was in a lot of pain in my back.  I’m not overly surprised today, as the personal care worker kindly took a photo of my back and it was deeply bruised.  It’s no longer bandaged, so I can see the staples and the scar, which I’m reminded is “textbook clean.”  The kids have been assigned the job of designing me a henna tattoo which will go over the scar, and we can try multiple designs over time.  But today I found very hard.  I’m being transitioned off a continuous supply of opioids and onto pills so I won’t have to carry a pump, but meanwhile… As they monitor me it’s clear that I’m not overusing the opiates, but I’m adjusting to things.  I did my walking again, and it’s becoming easier although a 5-minute walk has me feeling like I ran a marathon.  We’ve started planning my 🥳 discharge 🎉 and today meant making some decisions on what happens next.  It’s a little scary, but I’m eager to continue with my progress and get home.  We’ve decided that I will go to short-term rehabilitation (feel free to start playing Amy Winehouse) to help me become stronger and to ensure that I have the right supports / training so when I leave the hospital I don’t have to return.  I’m waiting now to learn when I move back to the other hospital for rehab and what the plan is likely to be.  There’s a bit of frustration for me dealing with the medical information again.  I meet assorted doctors every morning during the rounds and they each touch on one item.  So the surgical representative will check the scar and comment on the healing, for example, then I meet the palliative care representative who assesses the pain management, and so on.  I had to tell one to stop and repeat information because I wasn’t following what he was saying, and then I had to ask again what was meant by someone… and the one who should be coordinating often thinks that I’ve made a decision when I’ve asked for time to think.  Today I had said that my preference would be to go home first, but then I had a more detailed conversation with the medical teams so it was clear that the more beneficial approach would have been rehab.  Fortunately there were enough people who were around to override a very zealous individual who would have taken decisions based on a confused, half awake chat at 6:30am  We will see what happens next.

I spoke with my oncologist also, and discussed the pathology.  It’s the same cancer as before — that’s mixed news, IMO.  It’s not a newer, scarier cancer but the same one that we’ve been treating for the past 9 years. I’ve realized that I’ve received several miracles in this time.  From the initial diagnosis, which could have gone so many different ways, but happened in fact was definitely in miracle territory; all the way up to the most recent one which was less than a month ago!  Definitely falls into the area of “doctors confounded” 😆  That being said, the team has been caring for me for 9 years, and therefore they’ve prolonged my life over that time.  It’s hard to internalize how much my life has adapted in that time. I looked back over some of my blog entries and I can see some of the changes.  I mourn some, because I’ve had to let go of many things.  I try to accept that there are new ways of doing things, or new viewpoints, but I admit that I’m not always happy with the changes.  To answer some of the more obvious questions— yes, I’m still planning on travelling as much as I can when it’s safe to do so again.  I will be more restricted, I imagine, in some activities, and I’ll definitely have to monitor how I use my energy.  But I still hope to travel.

I’m still contemplating the question of the saints.  Which one(s) count as favourites and why?  I thought about it, and the Saints that I identified were all ones that my grandmother used in her daily devotions.  Although I picked up on those, I’m not sure why those ones!  She had several who were part of her daily routine but for whom I have no affinity, plus these for whom I feel affection.  There is a definite level of familiarity with them.  In times of stress I go to Our Lady in one or another format, as she has so many forms through which she can be approached.  I think that I link her maternal care with my grandmother and I feel protected.  I still have more to consider on this, perhaps tomorrow…

That’s it for now… Good night all!