Sunday

It was a beautiful day today, not too hot, sunny and otherwise picture perfect summer’s day.  I didn’t enjoy it much because… well, I’m going to dump for a moment, please forgive me.  After weeks of being pain free, my back started spasming this week.  Then Friday and yesterday, the pain spiked even more, and I wasn’t able to sleep well.  I’d fall asleep for an hour and then wake up… rinse and repeat.  So I felt drained during the day.  That compounded today when I woke up in the middle of a dreadful attack of depression that is still hovering over me now.  I can’t manage to shake it, and none of my tools and techniques are helpful.  Maybe I’m doing the, “Hurry up inner peace, I don’t have all day!” thing — which is ironic and funny but frustrating to live through.  

As you know, I make a conscious effort to stay positive, digging deep if I need to.  Today, though, I kept getting caught in a cycle of negativity and I couldn’t break it.  Even Jerry — who spent as much time as he could either on my lap or having me pet him — couldn’t help lift it; neither could Don, nor my other friend who called to try to cheer me up.  I guess, therefore, that I’ll just have to cope with it until I can see an exit.  

I half-joked that I’ve got a severe case of “White coat syndrome” as I have an appointment with my pain management doctor this week, and my system is reacting to the idea of having to go into the hospital.  It’s possible.  In any event, dwelling on it doesn’t help, and I’ll have to find ways to deal with this situation.  Since I can’t shake this feeling, I’ll go to bed early and hope that I have a good night’s sleep and that helps me find equilibrium.  Good night, all.