nihil ad rem

Hmm... Today I had difficulty waking up and staying awake. That's hard. My nurse arrived at 10, but I struggled to wake up by 9:15... the rest of the day I had problems with nausea and staying alert. Sigh.

Jerry had no problem with being awake to jump on my lap and leaping around on me. He, and his tiny tail, were getting into mischief all afternoon!

I'm thinking that having multiple birthdays might be a little over the top. I celebrate my birthday-June 26- for about a month. I also celebrate July 13 for a week (yes, there's overlap) because I was in a medically induced coma for a week after my mega surgery. Of course, November 9, so that makes 3. I'll probably add May 24 - the day of my most recent surgery. I don't count minor ones, like Dec 23, when we removed the blood clot.  So that's 4 "birthdays" 3 of which relate to surgeries tied to cancer. I'd prefer fewer cancer related incidents, frankly. I know that on balance, things are good. But in between... There are times when I have difficulty coping. This is one one of them.

I don't like feeling like this. It's beyond exhausting. I would really prefer that my cancer had followed the expected route and I was back at work, even if it means dealing with office politics. Instead, I'm facing this dreadful situation and trying to stay cheerful and optimistic.

Yes, I know that it's not obligatory, and that I'm allowed to be down. But as I've explained, being upbeat has helped me through many rough periods, so I try to keep it up. My times for being down are generally limited and I keep them restricted. But every downswing gets a bit more challenging to overcome, and I work harder to climb back out. Right now, I have a huge challenge to climb back up. The "up" is harder to maintain.. I'll even blame the pandemic-and the isolation-for the increased difficulty. Maybe the challenge of avoiding getting sick is more draining than it's worth? Or that the thing to do is accept the negativity and deal with "reality"? I'm not ready to quit, or to concede, so that means more fighting-and my tiredness is really quite a lot. I' re be fine. I'm just feeling a bit down. This is beyond puppy photos, though, for the moment. But I'll be ok.

Sorry I'm not upbeat today. It will get better, though. TIA for all the prayers, photos and kind thoughts. Good night.


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