fortis est veritas

I'm learning, slowly, that there are some movements that will cause me significant pain, and un/fortunately, I won't know in advance what they are. Sometimes, an incautious jerk - like grabbing my pen before it falls to the ground - will send a searing pain along my back. More often, my hands will  just jump and I'll spill my glass of water. Doing my assigned stretches usually do not cause any.

difficulties, but then doing my marching in place will have my knees go all wobbly. It becomes a guessing game as to whether I'm following instructions carefully or regressing into teenage crush-on-the-hottie mode! Although for that to work, I need a pin-up to ogle! 😝 (one, small, furry dictator complaining of neglect and starvation for you to coo at!  Yes, I’m in a rut!)

I'm going to get a phone call or text in the morning about this next bit. I have this one friend who has a habit of asking whether I regret my decisions, particularly those related to surgery. For example, when I did my laser vision correction surgery almost 14 years ago now, I talked it over with them, and explained that in my opinion, it was a worthwhile risk.  Date was set, operation was done. Fast forward to post-surgery, and I was asked, "How was the surgery?" Fair question, and I answered it. Then I was asked again a year later, and almost annually thereafter. I'm still asked, "Do you regret doing the surgery? My answer has been an unequivocal "No!" since a week after. the operation when the itching stopped and I could sleep, so the immediate discomfort was over. So I wasn’t too surprised when, while waiting for this latest surgery (called "decompression" by the team) I was asked if I was sure that it was a good idea; nor when I was asked after if I thought it worked. I will just record that when I was admitted for urgent treatment I could not stand nor walk, and that without treatment my prognosis was paralysis.  After the surgery-almost 2 months ago-I'm walking again, and relatively  pain-free. The pain that I'm having now is related to my left side, and (probably) the torn tendon, not the surgery. As tiring, painful and frustrating as the pain is, it is not related to my spine nor the tumour. In all fairness and honesty, once I’ve made a decision, I rarely spend time on regrets or dwelling on might-have-beens. Do I have regrets?  Yes, for some things. But once a decision is made and executed, it’s finished and I focus on my next step. Thankfully I’ve been able to use my recovery time to work on getting better and not on worrying about missteps and errors.  

I expect a call because I’ve been saying that I am in pain, and my friend's concern is that I seem to have traded one set of pain for another. I see that. If I were looking on at me, I would ask the same questions. Even with someone seeing me daily, there are times when it seems that I'm existing in a cloud of discomfort. But then my nurses see me weekly, and they remark on the changes and improvements so there must be a way of separating advancement from the daily routine? Comparable to losing weight, or a baby’s growth, perhaps? Another friend suggested that I log my development and assign myself rewards for meeting goals, so that is another idea for exploration. Spreadsheets and project management tools, oh my!  As an aside, my doctor did say that if I were an elite athlete there would be all kinds of treatments and supports available to help with a torn tendon, plus far more support for physiotherapy. He's probably right-like any other non-sports- enthusiast, I've read news reports on hockey players who had to take breaks for games related injuries and who were back playing in 6- 8 weeks. Yes, I admit to a level of envy for their access to treatment, and I appreciate how much work goes into their recovery. What I did in rehab is the equivalent of baby games and I can see some progress, so a committed, full time training programme would definitely have better outcomes.  I'm enough of a dreamer to wish that everyone had the same access to treatments and care, regardless of their income level. But I am grateful to have what I do, and I do push for more. Yes, more items to add to my "to do" list!  Calls to insurance companies for increased access to treatment are always things that I enjoy… where is the sarcasm font when I need it?  

I really appreciate my friend. Their concern and caring is wonderful and I look forward to our daily chats (and occasional arguments 😆). This is why I *know* that I’ll get a call to say that they read my blog and that I wrote about them… I’m hoping that they realize that this is a tribute to their caring and concern. My frustration with the rate of my recovery is unrelated to the realities of life. It’s also a reminder to me that my loved ones also need time to deal with the changes in my life. We all say that I need to focus on my recovery, true enough, and there are volumes written about what to say/avoid saying around the person dealing with the situation. But I have not seen very many that talk about the experience of loved ones and how they cope. To my friends, please don’t apologize for “not doing enough.”  We all have lives and at any given moment, there are multiple things pulling on our attention. Speaking from my experience, I am delighted when I have a chance to see or speak with others, and sometimes the effort needed means that I have to sleep for a while to recover. I happen to like getting texts and emails because I can reply as my energy allows. At present, going out requires more effort than I can guarantee on short notice, but that doesn’t mean that I am opposed to it. It just means that I have to plan carefully. That said, I’m looking forward to seeing this friend tomorrow so I’ll be resting up in preparation today and again on Saturday!  Then I’ll make time to see some others. Hint - I would love to go to a mall and just wander around for a while… 😇😄

This is late because (drumroll): I fell asleep and slept for 6 full hours!!!   I’m so happy and rested. This is wonderful! So, good morning everyone, I wish you a terrific day and I look forward to later.