Darkness

I'm still sore and achy after yesterday's shopping trip. I had a lot of trouble falling asleep last night because of the pain. It's better now, but oh my, it's no fun. Jerry is in his protective mode, and is on my lap growling at anything that distracts from petting him. Don has been catching up on his sleep, because he was also stiff and sore after yesterday.

I will confess that pain-filled nights lead to some very dark thoughts. Thankfully it doesn't happen often but on nights like last night I struggle. I am not suicidal-let me just be clear on that point!-but negative thoughts and fear fill the late hours and dawn seems like it will never come. I then try every tool in my collection to regain equilibrium. My thoughts go the way of George Bailey in "It's a Wonderful Life" before Clarence arrived. (I'm assuming that everyone has seen that 76-year old movie by now a few dozen times!) So far, my Clarence hasn't put in an appearance, but I am still waiting. There are moments when I'd like to know my future, and others where I'm glad I don't. I think that last night was a little harder because I've been processing the losses of Auntie Ming, and last week of Auntie Jeanne. It's the first Christmas with none of my mother's family. So much feels incomplete without Auntie Ming, who was the centre of it all. And I'd call Auntie Jeanne for some of her recipes, which she only started sharing recently. But with them both departing this year, I also feel the loss of my mother more. And on nights when I'm in pain, the loss seems to expand to fill the darkness.

The nice thing, though, is that I know that I have caring friends who sometimes just pop up and make things better. Like today. when I saw someone I hadn't seen since the pandemic. She's someone who has the most infectious smile and laugh, so she always perks me up. Another friend keeps me balanced, and reminds me to take breaks and rest-I evidently need regular reminders, as I tend to over-exert myself. We often take turns pointing out to each other the need for self-care, and I remain thankful for that. He likes to deny that he overdoes things, so it is always fun having those discussions!

There's a big snowstorm forecast for tonight, but the snow hasn't started yet. It was supposed to start during the afternoon, but I'm not complaining. It was actually fairly mild this afternoon. I'm going to make a cup of hot chocolate-always warming on a snowy evening even if the snow is late. Good night!