Old year's Eve

Thanks very much to my wonderful friend who got me out of the house so we had an early dinner/late lunch and lots of laughs. I feel lighter than I did for the past few days. It's good, because I don't like those dark phases that are so hard to escape. I was a dog bed for part of the night, being woken up by a paw in my face... I was then guarded closely for the day even when I was on the phone dealing with chores. Don has advised that-he's unavailable until sometime in January as there's hockey on TV. I learned years ago that there's hockey on practically year-round, so I find ways to entertain myself. Amusingly, I technically control the TV remote, but only if there's no hockey, CFL, NFL, baseball... So, about two nights a month, and mostly daytime!

Looking back on this year, there are some good memories and a couple catastrophes. Let's get the bad out of the way. There was that horrible truck occupation in January and February. I'm still uneasy when I hear truck horns and I'm less inclined to reach out because of the increased risk of being the target of racial slurs. I had a recurrence of my tumours, leading to another round (#7) of radiation, then one of chemotherapy that I did as an inpatient at the hospital. That had dreadful side effects-severe encephalopathy-that extended my time and terrified me, as I had to be fed and couldn't control the jerking and shaking of my limbs. Worst of all this year was learning of the mental and physical decline of a close friend and the loss of family members, especially Auntie Ming. That pain is still raw, and I'm processing.

While I had more cancer treatments this year, I've been able to reduce many of my medications, so now I'm really only on 3 daily ones, down from a dozen or so, and I've been happily mostly pain free the last couple of months. I still get easily tired, annoyingly, but I have gradually increased the distance that I can walk unaided. On the positive side, I was able to talk to Auntie Ming every day, up to the night before her passing. I treasure those memories deeply. After 3 years in isolation, we were able to come together to celebrate some happy events, including my birthday. and marking 10 years since my initial diagnosis. My friends and I were able to reconnect and explore areas of the city. To my great joy, I spent a month with my sister and her family, bonding with my small niece and nephew. Auntie had a blast reading, cooking, teaching and playing with the small people, and she will quietly confess to missing being woken up with toys (although not missing "I spy" or "Frozen"!). I'm pleased that I could make blankets for the SP, and see them being used daily. I also got to revisit the city where I started my Canadian life, before I relocated to Ottawa. The red-letter event was being able to travel to Trinidad and hug my loved ones after 3 long years; I covered that in detail last month.

I'm beyond grateful for my blessings this year. Let's start with my medical team, who provide me with great care, and who are very responsive to my needs. It's very reassuring to know that help and advice is a phone call or email away, and they never make me feel like I'm a nuisance. Then my friends, who don't give up on me, and keep me surrounded by love, whether they are physically near or through technology. Your notes, prayers, photos, jokes, emails, phone calls, letters and cards brighten my day, encourage me to keep on and support me. I'm hesitant here-I want to name every one who has been a daily part of my year, but I don't want anyone to be overlooked. To my family-by blood, love, law: however we're connected-I could not do this without you. My siblings, thanks for listening, asking questions and reminding me of the value of life. Special love to my dearest Paul and my sister-friend Joko for your daily calls and occasional "kidnappings." Most of all to Don and Jerry, who are just awesome, joy and delight in my life.  I love you.  Finally, thanks be to God for His loving kindness, protection and healing - I am grateful for my continued existence. Thank you, thank you, thank you.