Day 4

I fell asleep very early last night, which helped a little as I needed to be up by 5 this morning.  I’m thankful that my side effects are limited to feeling tired and not hungry, which isn’t a change from before, really.  Jerry is hyper affectionate today, because my support worker (who he really loves!) was here and he got cuddles.  After she left he moved on my lap and spent most of the afternoon there.  He’s now curled up on Don, keeping me away.  He’s got a mean streak, and wants all the attention and all the love but from who he chooses and when.  Silly pup.

Don and I were talking this morning about teachers, and the effect that they have on their students.  I mentioned my high school history teacher, who was really my worst experience.  In fact, as I’ve said in an earlier post, history was the only subject that I’ve ever failed and the result of interacting with her was a strong dislike of history.  Don talked about a high school math teacher who was incredibly brilliant and who could fill several blackboards with solutions for simultaneous equations, but who couldn’t communicate his knowledge or reasoning.  He went on to say that he’d looked around his class back then and thought, “There aren’t any doctors, lawyers or scientists in this class.  Where do they come from.”  I said, in contrast, my class (all girls) was full of budding professionals.  Very different backgrounds— he’s from a farming community in rural Ontario, growing up in the 1950s, and my class was a suburban girls’ school in the 1980s in the tropics.  My niece, attending the same girls’ school in the 2020s is able to study courses that hadn’t existed when I was there.  It’s amazing that a subject which was in its early infancy in my last year has matured and expired out of the school system… we were laughing at her attempts to identify what it was like learning BASIC programming (now obsolete) and the fact that word processing software is a fully integrated tool in the syllabus.  For us, if we were able to negotiate to have someone type our papers it was only for major projects, and perhaps once a year.  Handwriting was definitely essential then, and now while students often submit handwritten papers, they’re more often done using MS Word or an equivalent.  I’d very much like to be around in another 25 or so years when the grandkids are in school to see how much more things have changed.  One thing that hasn’t changed is that if there’s a teacher who fails to inspire students, they turn away from the subject… that happened with her and a couple of teachers, and we compared notes on that.

My niece and I were having a long talk again this week about growing up and being an adult.  She’s never expressed much interest in dating yet, but as university looms closer, and entry into a co-ed community, she’s curious about the reactions and expectations of having boys visit.  When her schoolmates (all girls) visit each other, they’re often congregated in their bedrooms where the conversations on the solution of the world’s problems are conducted.  Adding boys to the mix will change the dynamic, and we talked about that.  One of the big questions on relationships was “how do I know if a guy is worth my time?”  In our chat, we broke it down to “how do I know which people make good friends?” Then “what differences are there between choosing friends and choosing potential partners?”  These don’t have easy answers.  So we identified a few steps — and I’d like to know what you think. 

First, I said, you should be friends with the guys.  You can see what they’re like, how they act, and whether you want to get to know them better.  If you do, I recommended the classic “group date” where several people all hang out together unpaired.  From there, perhaps a one-to-one coffee for getting better acquainted.  Observe their behaviour and their treatment of others, especially those who are not able to benefit them… like wait-staff, store clerks, janitors, younger siblings etc.  Are they universally kind, thoughtful and polite?  How do they act when they’re with their friends compared to with you?  Are they respectful of others?  Do they find it amusing to make denigrating remarks, or to dismiss your feelings or tell you to change your looks/behaviour or insist on knowing every move you make?  Do they “play games” like challenging friends to kiss random girls or lurk under staircases to try and peep up skirts?    Do you have interesting conversations?  Do you have similar interests or hobbies?  Do you think, “Oh, I can’t wait to share this with X,” when something happens that you know they’d like?  Do you genuinely laugh at the same kinds of jokes?  Can you enjoy separate activities, with different friends, and still share experiences?  (that’s a little tricky; it seems that many people think that you must do everything together always, but I think that it’s healthier to have your own friends and maintain them even in a committed relationship.)  Red flags, I said, are if they’re nice to you, your parents or influential people but rude to waiters.  Or if they say things like, “I just want to know where you are because I’m concerned about you, and I’m only checking up on you because I’m worried.”  (Valid argument, but not for insisting on permanently sharing location data and then grilling on every stop you make on the way home.) Or making “jokes” like, “I don’t know why I ever listen to you, you’re so useless with directions.”  Or trying to stop you spending time with other friends.  I reminded her that she knows how men should treat women based on how her male role models — her uncles, grandfather, father, etc — act.  Similarly, she knows what a strong, independent woman looks like from her female role models; and she’s seen examples of both healthy, functional relationships and broken ones.  So she can identify how, for instance, to have an argument and resolve differences and how to negotiate the terms of her relationship.

 Did I provide her with realistic, fair information?  Or am I stuck in a strange fantasy world?  I’d like to know if I’m very out of touch or if I’m guiding her appropriately.  It’s so hard to balance protecting her against encouraging her to explore life’s opportunities.  I’m off now to get some sleep — tomorrow’s a day when I don’t have to get up late, but today was a long one.  Good night!